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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1376
Latest Conversations: Sep 29

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 13, 2020 at 4:25pm

Ernie has been gone for 9 years now and here I am facing another Valentine's Day.  I use to make him a special dinner and a heart shaped cake and no more.  Sad and I do shed a few tears.  I comfort myself by still buying him a Valentine's card and it helps.  You can get helium heart-shaped balloons and go to a private place in peace, say what you feel in your heart and release the balloon to the heavens.  I know there are no words to comfort some of you, but this does help and I do believe our loved ones are close.  Brush away the tears and smile and throw a kiss their way.

Love you all

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 13, 2020 at 4:21pm

ISSUES ABOUT FACEBOOK:

The owner of FB is in court.  Privacy is a big issue.   A year or so ago I left a link so that members could go to and decide whether they wanted to join FB or not trust their privacy.  I for one do not trust FB's privacy policies.  Here is a link that will help you decide if you want to risk privacy.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/zakdoffman/2019/05/31/facebook-loses-i...

Comment by DJ on February 13, 2020 at 4:18pm

Hi everyone;

I came across this page in 2014, shortly after my wife died; it was before Legacy started their FB page, I believe.  I found my way here when I opened a Legacy memorial page for my wife, 

This comment wall has been truly a great comfort for me, and to this day I read every post, although I rarely comment myself. 

Not long after Legacy started their FB page I checked into that; I don't think I've posted more than a couple times,  Its activity is inundating.

As long-timers here know, this page has been getting few newbies (none in months?); I'm guessing at least one reason is that Legacy.com themselves no longer even refer to it.  Their home page now *only* links to their FB site, through the Legacy.com / Advice & Support / Find Comfort in Legacy's Grief Support Groups.

Regarding security/privacy: this page is "not secure", see the warning in the bar at the top of the page.  The FB page _is_ secure: see the "lock" icon in the bar at the top of its page.  At least this page is solely for discussion/comments; their memorial page is now also not secure, yet they ask for credit card details from sponsors - not something I will do.

It would seem that Legacy.com is paring back support for their website,  Even the most fundamental requirement for any modern webpage (security "https://") seems to have been dropped.  Some browsers will soon block insecure pages from even being shown.  When that happens, I'm not sure we will be able to connect with each other here even though we have the web address already.

Even if we are doomed to this page fading away, I will certainly greet newbies until then!  I know what a relief it was for me when I joined...

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 13, 2020 at 4:08pm

It is sooo awesome to hear from you all again! NAPTIME..back later.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 13, 2020 at 4:06pm

It has been done. Goodbye, Facebook.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 13, 2020 at 3:49pm

Ohhhh, let me assure you, I have NO INTENTION of staying on that Facebook page..in fact, something very creepy just occurred there..a post I made from the ONE other time I joined the Legacy grief site on Facebook,May 2018,  popped up! Where the hell did they get THIS photo! It was a pic of a paragraph. After 2 years, they connected me? Ironically, I was going to suggest this board, then LEAVE...after my nap today. LOL

Now, I will do it sooner. Thanks for the reminder of why I WAS NOT on their grief site since a few days in 2018. 

And, it is AWESOME to see my friends here posting again.Sorry I stirred  up such a bru ha ha.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 13, 2020 at 2:09pm

Hello Everyone,

Tomorrow is the day for so many of us that can feel like walking through a mine field. Larry and I did observe Valentine's Day with cards, flowers, candy - and for many years going out to dinner. That last part became going to lunch, then finally skipping the public thing altogether. I finally decided that I had had one too many lovely meals ruined by someone at another table very obviously expressing their disapproval, or even outright disgust, at sharing this day celebrating love with a gay couple. 

In 2016 I faced another first in the long line of firsts surrounding holidays, birthdays, etc. without Larry. It was sometime in January that I was shopping in Walmart early in the morning trying to avoid crowds dur to my slow pace and use of a cane. I was getting slightly less uncomfortable shopping alone, although there were still many times that seeing Larry's favorite jam of variety of crackers on the shelf continued to jolt me into either tears or stunned immobility.

This day I rounded a corner and was faced with a seemingly miles long aisle of Valentine's merchandise. Cards, heart-shaped boxes, and red stuffed animals waited as if to ambush me - and they did just that. Once I could breathe again, I stood frozen for a second then did something that still surprises me - I looked up to the ceiling and bellowed loudly "Really God???!!! Are you f-----g kidding me???!!! I just survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and even my birthday, and now THIS???!!!"

It is good that there were no shoppers nearby, although someone stocking shelves a few aisles over did stare , and looking frightened rushed up to the front, probably to get security or the manager. I left the cart half-full where it was and made my way out of the store, barely reaching the car before crying uncontrollably. Somehow I made the drive home.

I share this because somewhere in our family there may be members for whom this Valentine's Day will be a terribly difficult and lonely time, possibly for the first time. Whether we went big with gifts and all the trappings, or practically ignored it, we are still all bombarded from all sides with the unavoidable reminder that while everyone else is being pushed to remember the day with flowers and diamonds, we are alone without the one person that made the day mean anything to us. This is now my 5th Valentine's Day, and I don't rage, or even resent the media blitz anymore. I do remember the times Larry and I celebrated, even the ones that were made uncomfortable for us, with terrific gratitude for having had a love like ours despite all the obstacles and deniers we encountered over the 32 beautiful years we were given. My bitterness seems to have given way to a quiet resigned longing for the remembered laughter and love.

Happy Valentine's Day Larry - 1-4-3  

Peace and hugs to all,

Chuck 

Comment by Michele on February 13, 2020 at 2:01pm

I want to say that I haven't posted in some time.  I read every comment sent to me via email and it's been a selfish comfort to know I am not alone in my loss.   The only way I can describe this grief is with the example of a slow leak of daily pain/sadness while everyone else is back to their lives.  I don't post on fB with the exception of a piece of created art; nothing personal. I am grateful for this site, but now I ran out words...peace.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 13, 2020 at 1:25pm

Hi Mary Jane,

I was planning to post today about Valentine's Dat, but I want to add my 2 cents to this Facebook discussion.  Please understand that I acknowledge this is coming from an old-school, 66 year old paranoid technophobe who has always had suspicions/apprehensions of government spying, manipulation, and its use of "newspeak" . That being said, I do not mean offence to anyone nor do I expect agreement with my feelings - they are mine and mine alone. 

When I joined Legacy it was because I was so incredibly lost, confused, and unbearably alone that my best friend insisted I seek an outlet with others going through my same loss before I went mad. I have never before belonged to an online group, chat room, or Facebook - nor did I want to. That has not changed. I found here a small safe community of understanding, accepting, and limitlessly supportive souls who not only saved my sanity, but most likely my very life. My feelings about everyone here have not changed in that respect either. I would be very sorry to see this peter-out from lack of postings, but I will not join Facebook just to continue posting about my journey or to help others with theirs. Of course there are privacy issues on Facebook - that is common knowledge - it's a business! It exists to make money by mining data from members and sharing/selling that information to sources looking to target individuals for marketing/political manipulation, or to gather even more personal data for their own purposes. Sorry, but I will take a polite pass on that.

One kind loving word here means more to me than 100 shallow comments or 1000 "likes". I don't need attention from multitudes whose purposes I sometimes suspect are more about boosting their own egos or self images than about honestly connecting with other people. Nobody needs to know what I had for lunch yesterday, nor should they care.

So. apologies for the ravings of an old man who mourns the decline of genuine one-to-one communication in the world.  I was raised by two sincere people who showed their compassionate natures daily through their direct interactions in the world, and I try to follow their example. That I do that here online is only a testament to the humanity of the friends I have found here, because typing out my feelings on a keyboard is not my first choice for expressing myself. Others feel differently, and so I say go where you need to and hopefully you will find support, acceptance, and sincerety. I will be here as long as there is a "here" for us.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Steve G. on February 13, 2020 at 12:15pm

With the future looming over us all, I do not post on FB as I do not trust what people are posting (mostly political) or where they are and what they are eating.  Of course I am referring to the Main FB site.

I post on a blog I started years ago, called "All the people in my life".  I have not added anything in over a year, and yet daily FB is telling me how to increase viewership and how much it will cost.

I did it once and got a lot of viewers, but very little feed back.  I do have a number of people I do not know that check in looking for more stories.  It was my form of therapy, and with no limits on words and length of the story I find it helpful, telling my life story involving those closest to me.

I am still not convinced that Legacy on FB is an venue I would consider.  My regular FB account has  been hacked more than once and is a pain in the you no where to sort it out and contacting FB is a pain as well.  I just keep it now to see what my cousins are doing and once in a while I post from a site called "The Power of Positivity".

Any way Hi to everyone and wishing each of you peace, love and Hugs.

 

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