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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane 4 hours ago

It was a horrible afternoon...the day started out fine, I went to the market, got home around noon..ready to take a well needed nap..when something completely unexpected happened.

Bob LOVED to ride his 10speed bikes...all of our married life...but about 8 years ago while riding, he had a terrible fall, slammed his head on the pavement, broke his helmet..skinned his arm..we went to the Dr, came home with instructions to watch for signs of a concussion...DIDN,t see any..and life went on...but that was the beginning of the end. There is so much they don,t know about brain injury’s and rhe next 5 years, we watched him slow down,,,and he never rode his 2 bikes again. He got worse and worse..and when he got cancer they discovered over 30 brain tumors...some were larger, some tiny. They said it was the cancer that caused the tumors, but we all knew the bike accident was the initial cause.

His 2 10 speeds sat in the garage for seven years, 2 after he died. I found an organization who takes donated bikes fixes them, and gives them to people who need them..so after 2 years of procrastination, I contacted them last night. As fate would have it, TODAY was their pick up day..and we needed the room to clean the garage, so I had them come this afternoon..and his beloved bikes are now gone. There is nothing but a huge empty space where they were. Yes, this was the absolute worst day for me to donate them...but they will be cherished, and will help two people..it was the right thing to do, wrong day, but now they,re gone...and his most treasured possessions were given away on his anniversary. It tore me apart...I cry every time I look out there. At least I have the grace of knowing I did the right thing, and I hope he is smiling down from heaven.

 

Comment by Mary. Jane 17 hours ago

Well, today is the day I have been dreading..but so far it’s ok...ironic how just a date on the calendar can mean so much.i had a severe meltdown Tuesday so I hope I wont have one today.

Last year we had a small celebration of life memorial for Bob..with pictures of him at different ages,  munchies, Etc..it was sort of a festive event...but I was in complete denial and pretty much lived in LA LA LAND. My daughter is flying here tomorrow for 2 weeks and we’re going to tackle cleaning the garage...while it’s still winter, before possible spiders move into it. I am actually TERRIFIED of this task, but it has to be done. 

I should b ok if I try not to think about it.

Comment by deborah peck on Wednesday

Mary Jane I cant imagine having to shred all the papers, I'm so sorry you had to do that, Gregs dresser is still full of clothes and there is a small amount in our closet but I wanted the kids to have something too even though it broke my heart again.. I think I will leave his stuff where it is, I am not ready to part with anymore.  hugs to you and I am glad that is done for you, You no longer have to dwell on it and can put that part behind you. All these steps are so hard to do, I don't think anyone realizes all we go thru after our loved ones are gone, physically and emotionally its exhausting

Comment by Sara Murphy on Wednesday

Deb.......I'm sorry, that must have been so hard to do.   I'm giving you a virtual hug too.  I can't even imagine packing up Ken's belongings. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on Wednesday

I guess it does,Deborah, and I am so very sorry. Your post was very short, but said VOLUMES...and I am sending u a virtual hug, as I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Bobs 2 yr   anniversary is coming up...and I have just today finished what I hope is the last of shredding all of the papers...I have been crying all afternoon...as it seems so permanent...now even his signature has been erased...this is almost as bad as the day he died...I was in shock then..then in denial last year...but now it is brutally real.

 

Comment by deborah peck on Tuesday

Last night my girls came over to go thru Gregs belongings and to pick out what they wanted, was really hard to watch most of his belongings be packed up to go to their homes, his side of the closet is almost bare, I guess it means its permanent

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2018 at 6:32pm

Dear Christine ...  I'm so happy to hear that the fluid is draining and you should be feeling better soon.  The more fluid out the better it is.  Also with Home Health Care coming in it makes things a little easier.  

It's true, men just don't do well when their spouse is not well.  Women are nurturers and seem to know what to do more than the poor men do.  I am sure he is watching over you Christine.  I know what you mean when so many people tell us how strong we are, but sometimes I get so tired of being strong and would love to have someone to lean on; preferably Ernie, but that's not reality.

I understand what you mean with your sweet little Victoria being by your side and trying to get you to play with her.  She wants to get you smiling again.  Oh yes, dogs and even cats know when we are not ourselves.  I have my two little dogs and they were so loyal and got me up and moving shortly after Ernie passed away.  Even now if I have a crying time they are right there for me or, they act silly playing together, then look to see if I'm looking (which I am) and they get me laughing and all is well.

Get well soon Christine and please keep us posted.

Comment by Christine Blaire on February 17, 2018 at 9:50am

The surgeon was surprised at how much fluid that she drained from the site where the non cancerous lymph nodes were! She packed it and said it will really drain a lot for next three days,so stay home. She called in home health care to dress it till she sees me next week. Can't believe how much stuff is coming out. Oh well. My daughter said her dad couldn't deal with this. Not that he would leave,just that he loves me so that it would disturb him so much. She said God took him first because God knows I'm the stronger one. Somehow I don't feel so strong. Our little puppy,Victoria rose, doesn't leave my side. At 4 1/2 lbs. She knows when I'm sad...which is all the time. She will even lick my tears and bring me a toy,tilt her little head as if it say"im here mommy play with me,you'll feel better" and you know what,,,she's right. I don't know what I'd do without her. Bless us all today that we can have a day of some sort of peace.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 15, 2018 at 7:17pm

Good job, Christine...Debora, that was so heartfelt, I wrote it down in my journal...thank you.

Comment by Christine Blaire on February 15, 2018 at 10:31am

I agree with Mary Jane...we did have the time of your lives!  Yesterday didn't really hit me as the spot where the lymph nodes were removed got infected. Red,hard, hot and swollen. Called the Dr and was prescribed 500 mg ciprofloxacin for ten days,two a day. Made me tired and last night it started to drain,clear yelling w. Today it does my hurt as much and not as swelled. I see the surgeon tomorrow. Since its draining she won't have to lance it. Lovely. My daughter is all worried but I told her I'm not gonna from it! Lol so I got thru my first Val. Day without him.not the best way to do it but it served the purpose!  I'm very tired today so expect to do something I don't normally do..take a nap. Love to you all

 

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