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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Mirror Therapy

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The loss of my beloved man.

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Comment by Frank Andrews 16 hours ago

Trina,

  You have expressed exactly what my feelings are to this day except for the last paragraph...... I have not been

able to feel my wife's presence around me and this is so unimaginable after more than 40 years together.  It is most likely the reason for my loss of faith in religion and it is a day to day struggle to get it back.  I think that those friends of ours on the forum who have left are the ones who have a deep faith in God and a belief in an afterlife where they will be reunited with their beloved spouses.

  I guess it is the depression that still makes us wish at night that we just pass quietly in our sleep and not have to face the heartbreak and problems of the next day. I never knew what a panic attack was until I lost my beloved wife and I am still having them once in a while. 

  Members here have said that things DO get better with time and we can find some joy in life again....that we must have hope.  I suppose what I am getting at is just that.....we have to go on with hope that it will get better and we will find some peace and joy in our lives once again. Death awaits all of us and very, very few soul mates pass close in time together and it is the one who is left who suffers the heartbreak day to day. I often think that if I had gone first what would her life be like.  No way would I want her to go through what I am going through.

  I have hope from the angels on this forum that life does get easier and the pain does dull in ways.  Your outlook is much better than mine was in my first year of grieving and I am sure that you are making your husband proud of you.

  This is such a tough journey for all of us. Hope and Hugs.

Comment by Trina Mamoon yesterday

It will be 11 months on July 4th that my beloved Joseph passed.  And a month later it will be exactly one year since that devastating event that changed my life irrevocably. I was reading a very good article about grief and time. The author talks about two different measures of time: chronos time that can be measured by clocks, the calendar and the passing of seasons, and kairos time, the inner time that each individual experiences in his/her unique way. So by chronos time Joseph will have been gone for almost a year, yet by kairos time, it seems to be like it was just the other day. I think you can all relate tis this very familiar feeling. Time goes on according to its own laws, but we have our own way of experiencing the passing of hours, days, months, and weeks.

For me, time moves in tiny, snail-like steps, excruciatingly slowly. Every morning when I open my eyes, my first thoughts are: This is another day that I will have to pass without the love of my life, Joseph is no longer here. I am condemned to spend the rest of my days in this sad, sorry manner.

Joseph was deprived of his life at 49, yet even though I have no desire to live any longer who knows, may be I have another 25-30 years left? This thought is so sobering and scary and it fills me with deep sorrow. Unless I take my own life, which I cannot do, I will have to live out my natural life and live like this, one sad day at a time, inconsolable in my loss, always longing, longing, and longing to be reunited with my darling Joseph, and praying for my early demise.

As some of you have said about your departed loved one, Joseph lives in me. Every moment of my waking hours I feel his presence, very strongly, inside me, next to me. My every thought, every action--big and small--every experience is colored by Joseph’s spirit. It’s no less stronger than it was when he was alive. Actually, it is stronger now, because in the past I wouldn’t think of him every time I did something; there were things that I did that were not connected to him. So in death Joseph has become an even more substantial part of me, guiding me, watching over me, sending me his love, letting me know that he is right next to me. These feelings and the wonderful memories that I have of my life together with him will have to sustain me for the rest of my life. Please, God, let me have the courage to accept this new reality as my new life. Amen.

Comment by Marsha H on Monday

Steve  ...  You are most welcome.  I am so proud of you for going to church and I have done the very same thing as you.  It's normal for the first few times to go to the service and leave right after, but eventually you'll become more use to it.  Yes, it does take the energy right out of you and those emotions fly all over the place, but the more you try the easier it gets.  Be proud of yourself for even going to church and please don't be so hard on yourself.  I do truly believe our loved one is very close to us and every new step we take makes us stronger and makes our spouses proud of us.  Remember, no one knows that you are experiencing grief so meeting new people is a good thing.  Take your time and you'll know when you're ready to meet those new people.

Hugs (because you need it)

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on Monday

Dear Carol ...  It's wonderful to hear from you after so long.  It's my pleasure to try and help as I know just how each one on here feels because after over 4 years I still miss my beloved Ernie, but the pain isn't as deep as it use to be.  I appreciate those that help as well and if it weren't for this forum and all the members I wouldn't have made it.  It's kept me sane to know we are all taking that journey of grief even if we walk through it with the beat of a different drummer.  I too talk about how much the site has helped me, but of course mention no names. I am honored to know each and every member on here because whether they realize it or not they are heroes in their own right going through the battlefield of grief and even though they hurt themselves they always help others. 

I agree we have changed since our loved one has passed away and it has given us wisdom, strength we didn't know we possessed and knowing how important it is to tell the loved ones still around us how much we love them.  Although a difficult way to learn some of life's lessons grief has taught us many good things. 

I know you realize how lucky you are to have your granddaughter Abby and she is such a sweet wee girl and so wise for her age.  I remember telling you when I saw her picture that she looked like an 'old soul.'  I am blessed with many things myself, but still miss my Ernie as much today as in the past.  However, it's time for me to move on and make him proud of me.  I don't know if I'll accomplish much or what the future holds for me, but I'm trying.

We must get together for lunch when you have the time.  Construction isn't as brutal now.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Carol Kayser on Monday

Dear Renae, this is a difficult and yet bittersweet time for you and your family.  Happy and sad times rolled into one.   It's best if you can find quiet space, breath, take one moment at a time and know that your darling is around sharing in the happy events, just from a different place now but still in your heart and in your lives.

I wish you peace as you go through these days ahead and some moments of joy too!

Comment by Carol Kayser on Monday

Dear Marsha, you are such a blessing!  I think about you a lot, and while I haven't been on the site much for so many reasons, I always in my heart appreciate everyone for their love and guidance.  I honestly talk a lot about the site and how it helped me through those very heart wrenching times. 

The other evening I met a widow, five years also for her.  We chatted a little and we could have mirrored our conversations of how we are feeling, it's good to share.

I read the article you posted and absolutely, grief is a very personal journey, and I also listened to a seminar and it was the very same thing.  It is healthy to see how we are today as opposed to "yesterday".   I just still miss my darling as much as when he left and our future together.

Today though my little Abby and I believe her "Poppa Jack" is sending her messages from above worked her magic telling me she was trying to make me laugh, that she wants to take care of me when she is 15 and many other little tidbits!  I am pretty lucky!

Hugs,

Carol

 

Comment by Steve on Sunday
Thank you for the link it gave me more hope. Today I finally fulfilled a goal I set for myself, I went to church. It has only taken me two months to go alone. I enjoyed the service and then headed straight home. I wasn't sure how I would react to meeting new folks so that was one reason for hurrying home. The other was seeing happy couples, I felt happy, sad and selfishly jealous all at once.
I got out and made it to the car before my emotions took over. Now I feel tired and worn out, so nap tim.
I to believe our loved ones keep watch over us.
Comment by Marsha H on Sunday

Dear Renae ...  I am so sorry you are over-whelmed with dates and your wee grandson wanting his 'Bumpa.' 

Even after 4 years of my husband's passing I still celebrate our wedding anniversary.  I find that a good way to do this is to get a helium balloon and write messages on it, take the balloon to perhaps a favorite place your husband enjoyed and let it sail to the heavens and don't hesitate to bring the family as well as your grandson.

I am a great believe that our loved one is very near when there are special events and I think you're husband is going to be right there throughout the wedding.  This is a very true story.  My husband and I use to take wedding pictures and when friends of ours had a chapel wedding we took pictures.  When I was doing them on a photo shop and editing them I noticed that all pictures I the chapel had 5 round orbs around our friends.  I printed out the pictures to show my girlfriend and asked her if she wanted me to edit out the orbs, but she demanded I leave them in and rattled off her parents, grandparents, etc., who were deceased.  All other pictures taken didn't have the orbs in them.  Call it what you may, but my girlfriend truly felt it was those she loved being there to see her married. 

May I also suggest with your grandson or any of the children in your family that you get a helium balloon and let them write in permanent ink messages to 'Bumpa' and that he would get them in heaven.  Children at very young ages are more aware of death than adults realize and often they fear that if 'Bumpa' went to heaven and isn't coming back that 'Grandma' or their parents may well go to heaven and leave them alone.  This is an important subject to discuss with young children.  Here is a very good link that will you and your family deal with the young children in your family.  http://mommyshorts.com/2011/08/how-to-talk-about-death-with-a-child...  May I also suggest that sitting down with a younger child with crayons and paper (letting them draw) will let them express their feelings such as any fears they may have and help the parents to deal with those fears.  Death should never be hidden from children as they see we're sad and sometimes cry and they are very aware of it and can be little worry warts, so it's best to keep things out in the open. 

I hope hon this has helped you cope and remember, children are resilient and they often get on with their lives must quicker than we do. 

Hugs (because you need it)

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on Sunday

Jane P ...  Very happy you enjoyed the link and got something out of it.  It puts things into perspective.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Jane P. on June 28, 2015 at 5:40am

Marsha, What a great link!  I will print it out and yes it is true that is one of the only times it is good to look back to see just how far we have come.  But after looking back it is great to look forward in order to progress.  Hugs, Jane P

 

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