Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Just a reminder to all of you over these next few days. The weather reports all over are talking extreme heat. Those of you out West have even warmer temperatures than here in the Midwest or East. Please keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Hopefully all of you have air in your homes. If not, please find a friend or relative that has air and see if you can go there. Otherwise, find out where the cooling centers in your neighborhood or town are and use them. Please take care not to over exert yourself and check in here.

Discussion Forum

Backwards and Forwards

Started by Jeannie. Last reply by Jeannie Sep 15. 11 Replies

I am new and lost

Started by colleen kingeter. Last reply by Jeannie Aug 21. 29 Replies

Closing an estate feels like betrayal

Started by Miguel. Last reply by Cynthia Murphy Jul 19. 10 Replies

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Comment by Wilela Trip 10 minutes ago

I'd just like to say Happy Birthday to the one I love in heaven, my husband Brian.  Hope you have as happy a birthday as you did down here on earth.  Hugs and kisses till we meet again.  Love you forever and ever.  Miss you always, everyday,

Your wife. Elaine

Comment by Carol Kayser 47 minutes ago
Hi Marsha, I have just read your post about seeing Ernie, and it brought back memories for me plus Treena's comments too. Oh my I had a situation last weekend and it scared me and afterwards I just knew Jack was watching over me. Abby and I were in the car and I felt the protection of him surrounding us.

Just after he passed away I went to church. I had lit a candle and the flame got bigger instead of going out. I started crying and through my tears there he was waving at me (he always did that if we crossed paths) and then started drawing hearts to me. It was truly beautiful. I know he is always with me:):)

The extended family had some sad news. There was a little 8 year old boy hit by a garbage truck and killed in Hope. He was the little brother of my son in-law's brother's daughter. Same mom, different dads.
Really upset my daughter. Apparently he was a sweet little guy though I had never met him. Just very sad.

Five years and yet another Christmas looming. Wow. While it gets easier there is always a space in my heart which cries out for him.

Will be in touch, hugs,
Comment by Marsha H 57 minutes ago

Hi Steve ...  I am so sorry you had to go through that, but it's more common than you think and it's happened to me in the past.  I even use to kid myself Ernie was away fishing and would be home soon just to get through a day.  Just for your information we dream every 1/2 hour, but we don't remember those dreams and only the last few minutes before waking do we remember.  It's the brains way of coping believe it or not no matter how painful it can be for us.  I also often wonder if our loved one doesn't come through in our dreams just to let you know there are still there for you. 

I admire you greatly for admitting you had a good cry and thankfully fell asleep as there is no reason men shouldn't cry as they hurt too.  It's good to have a good cry and although they are getting further apart for me, I still tear-up or have a good cry every so often.  Eventually these dreams will become less and you'll still have the memories of Mark that eventually you will look on with love and be thankful you have them and fewer tears. 

You are doing well considering what you've been through so don't feel this is a setback because it isn't.  Sometimes I wish I could dream of my beloved Ernie, but haven't in the past 2 years.  I guess I'm getting use to living life without him and we all will eventually.

Take care my friend and hope you have a better nights sleep.



Comment by Steve 1 hour ago
I thought I was doing pretty good, recently had a dream that was as real as life itself just a typical day that Mark and I used to have. I woke up confused because for split second I was back in our apartment up stairs. Then reality set in when I called out for Mark and realized I was in the new apartment downstairs.
It wasn't until later on that night my mind came to the realization that he was gone and not coming back ever.
It hurt just as if it November 30th, 2014.
I cried for hours and fell asleep somehow. When I woke up, the pain of loss was still there, but I actually felt rested and not tired.
Have been getting thru each day better than the one before.
Thanks for letting me vent
Comment by Marsha H 2 hours ago

Dear Gretchen ...  I am so sorry you had to go through this.  I am sure no matter what a pain in the butt Paul's ex girlfriend was she meant well.  It's OK to cry over the memories and all of us do.  There will be certain things that set us grievers off such as a song, the smell or sight of a certain food, going to familiar places you once use to go too, etc.  When grieving the 5 senses of the human body are heightened to:  sight, sound, smell, taste and touch.  I know exactly how you feel as for 4 years after Ernie passed away one of our friends we haven't seen in years kept sending me a Christmas card with 'Dear Ernie and Marcy:  Hope you are both doing well.'  I had already let this couple know of Ernie's passing, but she didn't get it and each time I opened the Christmas card I burst into tears.  I later found out this female friend (women always keep in contact and not so much her husband) was very ill and dying herself so then I understood, but still, the hurt was deep. 

Grieving takes time so don't be so hard on yourself hon.  Let the tears flow and try to rest the best you can.  Crying releases the tension and if you can go for a walk because it does help a lot and I try to walk my dogs every day.  Know that what you are going through most of here have gone through also and can still go through these feelings, but the span between each sad feeling grows further apart and I am finding I can handle things a bit better and not cry as often. 

I hope you have a good weekend and if you want to vent I'll be checking the board over the weekend.

Big hug (because you need it)


Comment by Gretchen Goldhammer 8 hours ago
Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster of a day. Started with having to deal with someone Paul dated before he met me (she has been a constant pain in the @$& ever since they broke up over thirteen years ago) and ended with getting one of the two tshirt quilts I'm having made from Paul's shirts in the mail. I knew I'd be emotional when I got the quilt back, but didn't realize how much I would cry. The tears just kept coming.
I have a feeling today won't be much better, but I'll just have to wait and see.
Comment by Marsha H on October 1, 2015 at 4:01am

Dear Trina ...

I sure hope I do make you feel better and give you a little peace as you so deserve it. 

I agree it's no coincidence when I feel Ernie is protecting me as Joseph is protecting you.  I really don't care what others say about my experiences as I don't lie and I know what I see or what I feel and it's not wishful thinking.  I am over the deepest heart-rendering part of my grief and I still have feelings of Ernie's protection.

That was such a great story you told and I do honestly believe Joseph was there to be sure you were safe and got on that flight.

My first experience was actually seeing Ernie on Christmas Eve.  I wasn't really thinking of anything in particular and was wrapping last minute gifts on the coffee table.  I did have the TV on and for some reason I looked up and there he was standing with his right arm resting on the wall unit, smiling down and the dogs and I.  It is difficult to explain as he wasn't in the flesh, but looked like millions of stars put together glowing and I could see all his features and his whole body.  I was shocked at how calm I was as if it happened all the time.  I couldn't believe we just looked at each other and then he faded away, but I still felt his presence.  I felt a great peace come over me.  The second experience I had was that Ernie would often get up around 11 PM to go to the washroom (he had to get up at 4:30 AM to go to work so retired early and I'd be on the computer.)  I was on the computer (situated in the den across from the bedroom) when I heard the sounds in the bathroom, then the toilet flushing and I just thought it was imagination and continued on with what I was doing on the computer.  It wasn't until the dogs wagged their tails and rushed into the washroom (no light was on.)  I turned on the light and the dogs were looking up at where Ernie's face would be (he was 6' 6" tall) and wagging their tails like crazy.  It was confusing to me as the toilet seat wasn't up.  They say pets can zero in on a deceased loved one and sense they are there.  I know in grief counseling or other things I've read on grief they say it's one's imagination seeing or hearing your loved one, but what do they know.  No one really knows what happens after death.  Ernie is not here as constantly as he was at first, but is here when I seem to need him.  It's a comfort in one way, but I'd give anything to be able to hug each other, hold hands or hear his voice just once.  It's the hugs, laughter, sitting and talking about our day and so many other memories I miss so much and I'm sure you do as well Trina.

Thank 'you' Trina for sharing once again your experiences and don't let anyone tell you it's your imagination because it's not. 

Take care my friend and I enjoy seeing your posts.  If you would like to email me I'll leave my email address on your private board, but don't feel pressured to accept.

Big hugs


Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 30, 2015 at 4:48pm

Dear Marsha,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and understanding. 

It's no coincidence when you feel your Ernie is protecting you. These things that happen so often as you describe, can't be just coincidences. Over this past one year there have been at least 4 or 5 times when Joseph came to my aid. People may call it whatever they want, but I know what I have experienced. 

One of the strongest one was the first time after Joseph's passing I was coming back to AK after visiting my family last January. I had forgotten to do a seat assignment on the second flight. In the gate area I was weeping and telling Joseph something like "see how hard all this is without you? I can't go on like this anymore." Within minutes there was an announcement for a first class upgrade and I felt Joseph pushing me the counter. I went up there not thinking and said that i will take the seat for $100. And I got it! From having no seat and maybe missing the flight, I flew home first class. That's no coincidence. There have been other moments too, Marsha, when I can't do/fix the things Joseph took care of, and suddenly out of the blue some kind soul, friend or neighbor offers to help. While I am very grateful to these very kind and generous folks, I know that somehow Joseph's spirit is moving them, just like you know Ernie is protecting you. It's comforting to know that our departed loved one is looking out for us and protecting us.

Take care, Marsha, and thank you again.

Comment by Marsha H on September 30, 2015 at 5:52am

Trina ...  I'm so sorry you had a rough day of it.  It never ceases to amaze me how some things bring memories back to us (the falling snow in your case) and tears flows unexpectedly at the most inopportune times.

You and I believe the same way that Joseph is listening to you and guiding you through the worst of your grief and I feel Ernie is here as well protecting me.  I've had some experiences where I've knelt on the floor and wept because I couldn't get anyone to help me with fixing something in the house that needed fixing and suddenly the phone would ring and I would either be my neighbor next door or a young man I hire every so often to help with some heavy work.  I don't think that's a coincidence when it happens so many times.

Thanks for your wonderful post hon and being so open about your feelings.  I always pray and wish I could wave a magic wands and make everyone on here feel much better. 

Big hugs (you need it)


Comment by Marsha H on September 30, 2015 at 5:47am

Dear Georgia ...  I just had to take the time to answer your post as I feel your pain and anger and then forgiveness.  It's almost 5 years since my Ernie passed and although not as often I still can cry and get angry at him for leaving me in this hell of grief and missing him so, but like you (I talk to him a lot) and tell him I know he didn't want to leave me.  Hon, what you are going through is very normal so go with the flow and just keep on talking to Louie because I believe what Trina does, that they hear us, they guide us and I honestly believe he's right there with you.

Here is a little tip to help you at night if you haven't tried it already; take two fluffy pillows and put them in the middle of the bed end to end and lay your back against them.  It hopefully will make you feel your Louie is there and you'll drift off to sleep.

Hang on Georgia because we're here and you're doing a good job of getting through this long journey of grief and I'm proud of you.  You just keep venting away because we're around to help wherever we can. 

I just had an episode of crying a lot over the weekend.  I went to a baby shower and I was shocked I got teary-eyed and once home had a good cry missing Ernie more than ever.  I just cried until I had to have a nap.  I go for walks with the dogs as well and it sure helps.  As the song says, 'I'll cry if I want to.'  Crying releases stress and relaxes muscles and it's a necessity for the body. 

You will always talk to Louie for the rest of your life as I will Ernie, but trust in us when we say that the pain is a little less in time and we begin to function and eke out a life for ourselves.  I know now that doesn't seem like it will ever happen to you, but it will.  Louie is there to see you through the hard part and he would want you to go on in his memory and pass along all the wise and wonderful things you learned from him.

I'll be checking the forum all week and into the weekend so you come on here and just vent all you like hon.

Big hugs (because you need it.



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