Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Vote of thanks.

Started by Janka. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jun 25. 6 Replies

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Comment by Cynthia Murphy 46 minutes ago

Hi Harold. I'm so sorry you have to go through this hurt. A friend from junior high sent me a gift on day, a journal and a pen, to document my everyday life. I wasn't consistent with it but I did write. Now when I go back I can really see the progress I've made. I have my bad days, everyone does. We understand. At 6 months no one could have convinced me that I could love again and I never entertained that thought. When I met him again it had been 17 years, his stepfather' funeral. That's the only time I saw his son he lost. I believe God puts people in our lives at the right time for the right reasons. This was at 8 months for me. I thought others would look down on me and think I was over my grieving. Far from it. I continue to grieve for the loss of a husband, a couple, a family forever changed. But I also rejoice that he's no longer in pain, that he is with his parents again. I'm also happy that God allowed me to be a survivor and can talk about my darkest days and nights. I'm grateful to be given that second chance at life and love. We never forget that person we vowed to love till death do us part, but draw on the strength of that union to face the new love when it finds us. Those who seek us out to love are the lucky ones. Have a wonderful week everyone

Comment by Steve Cain 3 hours ago

Harold, you speak a lot of truth in that statement. In our case, Kris' issues began after her back surgery. Although, sadly, I'll never be able to prove it, both of us knew that the doctor who performed her back surgery punctured her intestine which wasn't discovered until her reaction after gallbladder surgery. I still post messages on her Facebook, namely on holidays, her birthday and our anniversary. Although I hesitated for the longest time in doing it, I finally memorialized her page and it has made me feel better. If she had a Facebook page, I would recommend turning it into a memorialized page. It's not completely closing a book, it's just writing a new chapter.

Comment by Harold McKinstry 7 hours ago

Bear with me I seem to be dappling in Philosophy tonight. 

I was sitting outside looking at Diane's Garden thinking of her and losing her. Some people say to journal write down your feelings, I find what I do is talk out loud as if Diane is sitting there listening. I said meeting her were and always will be the best years of my life, then it occurred to me they are also the worst years of my life too. If you fall in Love with someone and give yourself too that person it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. The opposite side of that coin is you will lose that person and go through painful grief. Don't get me wrong I would do it all over again without any hesitation  even knowing about her health problems and Death. This is an obvious thing but it's not something you see or think of. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say it just struck me when I thought of it made me think. I guess what I was thinking if you are going to accept someones love you also have to accept there eventual death. Not saying this will change my grief or make anything easier it just gave me a different outlook on everything

Okay amateur Philosophy 101 is over for know thanks for letting me ramble on. 

Comment by Harold McKinstry 10 hours ago


Sorry to hear about your friends suicide attempt, she is lucky to have a friend like you to help her out. Just imagine what it would be like for her if she didn't have any friends to help her out. Nice to hear that you have found a someone to spend time with. It's only been 6 months for me not ready to think about that yet. There still are a few guys out there that you can trust : - ). I know what you mean about online dating your at a disadvantage if you tell the truth some many people online don't. Take Care   

Comment by Harold McKinstry 17 hours ago


I had been thinking for a while what to do, I couldn't decide. I told Diane I wasn't sure what to do for a memorial give me some ideas. I figured something in the garden, I got a few ideas in my head but finally decided on what to do. Once I decided like you I had to do it myself and get it done. It became an obsession I worked on it every day for two weeks even in 95 degree temps. Just had to get it done, I tend to be hard on myself and will take shortcuts just to get it done, I knew when I finish I did it right and was proud of myself I remember the picture you posted it was beautiful, it sounds like it was important to you to get it just right as it was to me also. I do feel it helped me it gave me a little peace, I always did extra stuff for Diane's because of her health problems, It felt good to do one more special thing for Diane that would last. I decided artificial flowers weren't good enough for my Diane I take fresh flowers from the garden to her grave. The garden was important to her and figured taking flowers from our garden she could still enjoy it. Thanks for all the kind words they mean a lot to me, you seem to know the right things to write to make all of us feel a little better. You are a special person, I'm glad I stumbled on to this site, sometimes it seems like you meet the people you need too to get through problems. That goes for everyone on this site, I am in a much better place because of everyone on this site. Thank You All 

Comment by georgia 17 hours ago
Hello everyone, Chuck you are a special person, your flowers are beautiful.

July has been a hard month for me.
Louie has been gone 3 years, on the 14th, on the
20th of July is his nameday. ( in our tradition that is celebrated like a birthday) .
I just wanted to say hello to all.
Comment by Cynthia Murphy yesterday

Dear Marsha H, I enjoyed your response especially the one about the ladder! My boyfriend is my high school sweetheart. . His sister hooked us back up. Next week will be 2 years. I would be terrified of online dating. I don't trust many people especially men. Sorry guys.we have a lot of girls nights out, a mixture of widows, singles, and married. I hope you have the opportunity to meet someone who you can have a meaningful relationship with. We all deserve to have happiness in our lives again. A friend told me that God especially watches over the widowed so we can find someone to fill the void in our hearts. We have to have faith that this will happen. I believe it. Hope get to take your trip.

Comment by Chicago Beard yesterday

Just read the posts on the attempted suicide. Just wanted to mention that Legacy has a suicide survivor group similar to this group.

Comment by Sara Murphy yesterday

Chuck.....thank you for the encouragement.  You are a true friend.   In order to make tonight manageable, I've decided to think of it as just a girls night.  It's a small dinner party, 7 people, all women so there's no reason for me to focus on it being a 50th birthday dinner.  I'm sure I'll have a good time.  Ken would often refer to us as "the hens" so I know he would want me to go.

So I went to a Medium, Matt Fraser.  He does group readings in Mass, R.I. and N.H.   With about 200 people at his reading, I never expected Ken to come through but there he was.  He came through with a bang, saying something embarrassing so I had no doubt it was him.  Ken was relaying a lot of information to Matt that he couldn't possibly know.  It helps me to believe that he's okay and waiting for me.  Matt mentioned he's with his childhood dog so I know he's happy.  He had been wanting a dog but had been waiting to get healthy.  I don't miss him one speck less, it still hurts that he's not here with me but it's a reminder that his soul is alive somewhere.  Same is true for everyone here.  I hope knowing/believing that can help in some way.

Chuck.....I meant to mention that that's a great photo of Larry and the flowers are just beautiful.   I can see why you would want to pick and arrange them yourself. 

I wish everyone here a peaceful weekend.


Comment by Charles E. Nelson yesterday

Hello Harold,

I keep looking at the photos you have shared with us of Diane's garden, and find myself pondering how there is a common thread for us -  that in our grief,  we all gravitate to something in which our loved ones took such pleasure  - those places, hobbies, or pastimes that they enjoyed with such joy.

There are day lilies growing in the yard that Larry and I planted 30 years ago - we brought them back from a trip to Hancock, MA and a farm that had been my grandparents home. Larry loved the place as much as I, and to have a living reminder of our fun times spent there right in our yard made us so happy. You see, Hancock is where I proposed to Larry...

Last summer, when the lilies started blooming in great profusion, I woke one morning with the urgent need to cut some and make an arrangement to place with his photo - I always had done this, cutting just the right stems having buds which would continue to open for the next two or three days as I clipped the spent blooms.

I made my way out to the patch, up a slightly uneven incline, with my cane, clippers, and a pail of water to stand them in until getting them inside. I took me quite some time, and I nearly fell more than once, but nothing would deter me.

When they were arranged just so, I took a photo and I share it here for you, and everyone. I got no end of lecturing from the visiting nurse when she saw them - she asked who had cut them for me, and was angry that I had disobeyed her and gone out into the yard alone. "I could cut them for you when you want some flowers!" she said to me, and I replied "No, I have to cut them myself, and they have to be the perfect ones for Larry - no one else can do it like I will for him."

She grew very quiet, patted my shoulder, and told me she was sorry - she wasn't thinking...and I should do what feels right, so long as I promise to be very careful.

All in our own ways, we do these things, little rituals of remembrance - gestures of love - that make us feel closer, and we step back and say "There you go, my love - this is just for you from me...I will always love you." You have done that for Diane, and I just wish to say how very proud of you I feel, and how much your tribute to beautiful Diane is as much a tribute to you, my friend, and the caring and special  man you are.

Have a peaceful weekend Harold -

With love from your friend Chuck

Day Lilies for Larry


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