Gay and lesbians who have lost partners

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Gay and lesbians who have lost partners

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Members: 121
Latest Activity: Oct 13

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Welcome to the "Club"

Started by Eric Furan. Last reply by Ian Forbes Oct 13. 18 Replies

Hi, my name is Eric Furan and I lost my beloved partner Patrik just about two months ago on June 10, of Pancreatic Cancer after 3 1/2 years of suffering more than I thought was possible.  I thought…Continue

40 years together

Started by David. Last reply by Robert Stewart Sep 25. 8 Replies

I'm 62 now and I've just suddenly lost my darling Frank to a heart attack after 40 wonderful years together. I never stopped loving him for one minute and my own heart is broken.It's the funeral on…Continue

Lost my partner to alcoholism

Started by Michael Savage. Last reply by Eric Furan Sep 23. 1 Reply

Hello all-Reading other discussions has helped me to not feel alone in this grieving process.Five days ago I lost my partner of 11 years to alcoholism. He would have been 42 this past Monday and I'm…Continue

Lost

Started by Robert Golden-Jones. Last reply by Rebecca Rude Aug 18. 6 Replies

My name is Rob and I lost my Husband, Mark on July 21st to lung cancer that spread to his bones and brain. Mark was my partner a little over 5 years. We were lucky enough to get married on June 28th…Continue

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Comment by Nancy Kennedy on October 10, 2014 at 1:29pm

Hello All!

I was so happy to find this site in 2012 when my partner of 28+ years passed. Because she had a heart condition diagnosed for four years prior to her passing, we did talk about what we would do if anything happened to one or another, as I've been in chronic pain since a near-fatal accident in 1979. As I've also been in recovery from alcohol for over 35 years, I knew that I would need to be very careful. The higher power works in mysterious ways as my Mom's Alzheimer's worsened after my partner's death that I had to focus on being the caregiver as my Dad, with the same illness, has been bedridden for a number of years. Taking it, sometimes one minute at a time, enabled me to continue living as my partner wanted me to. I was blessed to meet another retiree whose partner had committed suicide many, many years ago. We're now together, married as the state where we live permits that, & spending the last phase of our life together. I know that my partner would have approved; we both talk about our former partners as they may be gone but they are treasures nonetheless! Nanc

Comment by Don Fournier on October 10, 2014 at 12:56pm

Hi Mary

It goes without saying that you were blessed with 42 years. I only had 17 years and feel so cheated as I'm approaching my first anniversary of his death on October 22. People tell me it gets easier with time but I say BS it does - you just learn to adjust to the pain and keep pushing forward. There are times when I'm so lonely that all I do is cry. But I remember something my Nils always told me.... "Don you'll be fine. Don't be sad because that's now what I want for you. I want you to be happy. Remember our good times. But most importantly... live!" So I take those encouraging words and push myself harder. I used to smile all the time but in the last year I've forgotten how - that's what I'm working on now. You will have good days Mary and you will have bad ones too. But remember you have to live too. Its not easy. Don

Comment by Mary on October 10, 2014 at 10:46am

 It's been 43 days since I lost my wife of 42 yrs  suddenly from a heartattack and as the time goes by it just keeps getting worse. I find myself being strong when people are around but when I'm alone I can't stop crying. It's so exhausting I don't want to do anything. I use to be very active but can't get going anymore. How do you get on with your life when there so much pain? 

Comment by Michael Reikowsky on October 7, 2014 at 7:44pm
Hello everyone. I've been reading all the recent posts as well as re-reading a few of the older ones. Including my own from October 2012 when I lost my Danny to colon cancer.

As with most of us there was the series of "firsts"... First. Halloween, first thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary, etc. I will be honest with you... I was so numb through all those firsts... I don't recall any details. I'm working on my "seconds" now and have made the conscious decision to CELEBRATE Danny's life, to CHERISH the memories we shared for 16 years and to surround myself with true friends that shared in our love.

So on the second anniversary of his passing, October 27th, we will be celebrating in vegas. Halloween (a big "holiday" for Danny) in New Orleans with one if his heroes, Anne a Rice.

Still gave to figure the rest out. But I'm tired of living in a cave. I will always love my Danny, will always miss his presence, and will make it through with a lot of help from my friends.

Thanks for listening and for understanding.

Michael
Comment by Don Fournier on October 7, 2014 at 6:47pm

     Thank you Erick, Eric, and Kathleen for your kind words. It's hard to believe my partner has been gone almost a year. There isn't a day that doesn't go by I don't think of Nils. We did everything together. We had a beautiful farm in Northern Vermont and unfortunately after his passing I had to disperse all the animals. My head was in such a fog that I thought is was best to close up the farm and lock it up. I was so overwhelmed with the large animals and the grief was more than I could handle.

     I know the anniversary will be tough but I'm planning to take the day off and walk the property with our Corgis... our kids. Erick thank you for your wonderful hiking story. I think I will carry Nils picture with me as I take my stroll - funny I just remembered that's what we use to call it when we would venture out. Funny how you remember those little and realize it what you miss the most.

     I have a great support network thru the bereavement group up here - unfortunately I'm the only gay person there but it has made other's in the group that we grieve as well. It's all good.

     I feel this group will help me as well and I'm glad to be a part of it.

     Don

Comment by Mark Pace on October 7, 2014 at 4:40pm
Dear Erik,
I have not made it to the one year Mark, however like your partner my partner also died suddenly, but he was 56 years old, we had been together 25 years. He died three days before our wedding.
So far it has been all the firsts that have been hard, and they seem to be ther all the time, but slowly they have become alittle easier. However I know these first let me remember Bertrand in so many ways.
Your first anniversary of Clark's passing sounds beautiful and I hope I have the courage to find a way I can honor and cherish the memory of Bertrand like you did with Clark.
Thank you for posting, it gives me courage.
Mark
Comment by Erick Querci on October 7, 2014 at 2:59pm

Hello there one and all. First, let me say how beneficial I have found this site to be for me. I realize that pain and grief are universal to all but the sad reality is that society still does not seem to see "our" pain as being on the same level as that of the rest of conventional society. So here I have found a haven of friends that let me share my grief freely and I know that you all fully understand the pain that we are all going through.

My sweet partner Clark passed away suddenly on July 7, 2013. He was only 54 so it was years before either of us thought one or the other would pass. We had been together almost 32 years. I was 24 and he was 22 when we met. When the anniversary of his passing came closer and closer I too was very anxious about how I would feel and what I could do to honor his memory.

We have a mountaintop look-out tower in our small town that he and I loved to go up to and just enjoy the beautiful nature view. He truly loved going up there. I decided to ask his best friend Lynne and my best friend Mary to accompany me up there on the anniversary day of his leaving this life. I brought a nice picture of him with me which I held in my hands while I spoke our marriage vows. It was hard for sure but I want to believe he was there with us. Afterwards, the two women friends and I went back to the home Clark and I had shared for so many years. We sat in the living room, shared coffee and dessert and spoke about Clark for the next two hours. I had placed Clark's urn in the living room. Normally I keep the urn in the bedroom with me but I wanted him to be there with us... to be a part of our day. We cried, we laughed, we shared stories. I will tell you it was not an easy day but I am truly happy that I did something special to honor him on that particular day.

Our grief and sorrow is great but that is because we all loved someone very very special. And for that we are lucky. Not everyone has had that special love that so many of us in this chat room have had.  

Stay strong but do not be afraid of your emotions. They just remind us of our deep love for our loving partners. Bless you one and all.

Comment by Mitchel on October 7, 2014 at 2:38pm
Hi,

My name is Mitchel. My husband of five years died two months and a few days ago.
Comment by Eric Furan on October 7, 2014 at 2:26pm

Don:

I'm not close enough to the one year mark yet as my partner Patrik passed away only four months ago.  Since then though I have already weathered our anniversary (would have been our 30th) and his birthday (would have been his 55th).  The anniversary which I feared would be awful, instead passed without too much difficulty, but his birthday proved to be extremely challenging for me.  I'm finding it's hard to predict how these occasions will turn out as there are so many variables involved.  In the end I was "saved" by my friends rallying around me on both occasions. 

I wonder often how I will deal with the one year mark when it rolls around, but the only thing I know for sure is that no matter what I think it will be,  it will for sure end up being something else.

On Patrik's birthday I wrote a very personal note to him and attached it to one of those helium balloons that you buy at the grocery store.  Late that evening I walked out into the back yard and released it into the night sky, watching it recede as it rose higher and ever higher till it disappeared completely against the stars.  That made me feel as if I was more able to reach out to him.  However the day goes for you, you'll undoubtedly find some uniquely personal way of letting him know how much you love and miss him.  And he will no doubt be watching and wishing there was a way he could let you know the same.  Hang in there.  Eric

Comment by Kathleen Boone on October 7, 2014 at 10:57am

Hi Dan, I am also new to this group.  I, too, lost my wife last year on November 13 from stage IV breast cancer.  Not sure I can give you any advice, but I am feeling very anxious as well as the date draws closer.  I know everyone grieves differently, but for me, it has helped me to visit her grave every so often.  I actually live not far from the cemetery, and I always leave there feeling a little lighter, as strange as that may sound.  Do you have friends or family to reach out to?  For me, my own family (those who are still living which aren't many) have not been supportive of my lifestyle.  My wife's family were always terrific, and continued to be so for a few months after her passing, but now they don't seem to include me in family gatherings.  I hope you have some sort of support system that you can lean on. I do have my biological children (who are adults) and my stepsons, and we are there for each other.  Don't know what I would do without them!  My plans so far for the anniversary of her passing are to take the day off from work, visit the cemetery, and spend some time reflecting on the happy times we spent together.  Maybe you have a special place the two of you liked to go together that you could visit that day.  Hopefully you will hear from some other members of this group that have passed that first year milestone and can offer some good advice.  Kathy 

 

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