Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Erick Querci on May 28, 2014 at 3:49pm

Dear David. My heart goes out to you. This will be a very trying time for you. At first it is all so surreal and murky. So much to think about and arrange. My wonderful soulmate Clark and I were together since we were 22 as well. We were together 32 years and I truly do believe my love for him and his love for me only got stronger with the passing years. We had retired early and decided to leave the city and live in the country. We were only in our new home 7 hours before he had to be rushed to hospital. He too succumbed to his heart. Our dream of an early retirement has turned into a nightmare for me. But, slowly, with time, you learn to get by. For me it has been 10 months since that horrible day. You will survive my friend. Honor Frank on his funeral day and in all the days to come. I know it will be hard at first but try and remember the happy times. He is still alive in your heart. Cherish the fact that you and I were lucky to have had our Clark's and our Frank's in our lives... how many people can say they were that fortunate? Bless you and Frank. 

Permalink Reply by David on May 28, 2014 at 4:12pm

Thank you for your kind words of support Erick and so sorry to hear of your loss too. You truly understand how I'm feeling right now.

Everything you say is absolutely true and yes, we are both truly blessed that we found love that lasted so long. 

I will miss Frank so much but he will live on in my heart forever.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

Permalink Reply by Steve Levin on May 28, 2014 at 4:39pm

Sorry for both of your losses.  We're all in slightly different points in our life.  I lost my partner of 21 years to a heart attack 7 months ago.  Like both of you, we had also met in our early 20's.

David, just know that you're surrounded by many of us who have survived.  And none of us thought that was possible during those first couple of months.  It's sort of awful to say, but one of the things that helped me was to know I wasn't alone.  I don't wish this on anyone, but knowing that others are going through the exact same thing gave me some hope.

Hang in there buddy, it's a cliche that you probably hate hearing now, but it really will begin to get better.

Hugs to you.

Steve

Permalink Reply by geri hen on May 28, 2014 at 11:24pm

Hi David, I am so sorry for your loss of Frank.  Sharon and I were together 30 yrs and I lost her on 8-1-13.  The pain is unbearable, there is also denial, anger and depression.  I have found that I have no motivation to do anything, like in a state of limbo.  Everyone's grief journey may be different but I would suggest that right now that you need to be gentle with yourself and only do what is absolutely necessary.  Take care of yourself  and know that you are not alone.  We are all in this together.  You and Frank are in my thoughts and prayers.  Geri

Permalink Reply by Eric Furan on August 19, 2014 at 12:44am

Dear David:

I have just turned 63 and my partner Patrik and I were together for just two months shy of 30 years, he was 24 and I was 33,  so I get where you are coming from completely.  Along with the pain and the loneliness I've also been dealing with the necessity of creating a new life for myself.  While 30 years is a long time, it is also no time at all as I look back and wonder how the hell it all went so quickly.  Yet here I am without him and as I try to adjust to this new existence I realize that we were together for so long that I've forgotten how to be single.  I feel in many ways like I've been thrown back to adolescence as I try to negotiate the in's and outs of surviving on my own again.  Luckily I'm in good health and people tell me I don't look my age (but I guess that depends on the source and the agenda) so things could be worse.  Besides, I think the number that represents how old we are, bothers us much more than it does anybody else.  I have no idea what awaits me in the months and years ahead but I know that whatever it is I will deal with it as I have already dealt with so much.

At this point, your first step is to stop worrying about where you are in life and work on being kind to yourself.  Take things at your own pace, this is YOUR journey and you can only do things as you are able.  I'm pretty sure everything else will take care of itself.  Take Frank's love with you as you move along the path.  I often hear Patrik whispering in my ear as I walk through the days and I remember the things he taught me - it gives me strength.  If you listen closely enough, Frank will do the same for you. 

Take care, Eric

Permalink Reply by Mark Pace on August 24, 2014 at 4:06pm

Dear Dave, I have no words except I lost my partner of 25 years together suddenly, so I think I know how you feel.
The funeral of my partner I treated like a celebration of our 25 years together, but it seemed so unreal. I hope you have family and friends to support you like I had. Wishing you all the courage.
Mark

Permalink Reply by Care Johnson on September 24, 2014 at 5:48pm

As you know, starting over is so very difficult--but doable. I lost my beloved BJ of 35 years just over 5 years ago. I still cannot believe I'm STILL here without her. I still miss her each and every day, and look forward to the day we'll be together again. Many times I ask myself, "Why am i still here?", but I know the good Lord will take me when it's my time.

But back to your situation...I hope you made it thru the funeral okay. They say the funeral or memorial or whatever you have helps to close things, but in reality, it's just the beginning. The best you can do is to take one day at a time, and if that's too much...then just one hour at a time. Eventually, you will venture out and start meeting new people. Now, however, you grieve until you think you cannot grieve any more. It's a process and not a pretty one I can tell you that! Most of the time when I was at my saddest moments, I would think of my BJ and remember what she probably would say to me at that moment. This has helped me so much because it makes me feel like she's still here. Spiritually, I believe she is still around from time to time, but this, too, has lessened as the years have gone by. In the first few months, I know it was her that was leaving me funny messages--like moving my medications to places I'd never put them. Now, I treasure those moments when I can sense her near me...even if it is only fleeting seconds in time.

I'm still working on re-inventing myself. I've had a couple of g/f's, but nothing really serious. It's hard not to compare, but when you've already had the best, who could match that? At this point, I'm becoming more satisfied with it just being me and having others to go out with occasionally. I'm 60 years old, so I'm no spring chicken, either! LOL!

They say time heals all wounds and it is true...but we never forget them and the effect they had on us while they were here.

If you ever want to chat or whatever...let me know. I know how hard it is so be gentle with yourself...allow those tears to flow whenever you need to...and believe that what is meant to be will be.

Namaste, Care

Permalink Reply by Robert Stewart on September 25, 2014 at 9:40am

HI Dave,

I understand your pain and anxiety. The first week you will be busy planning and others being around. It's after the funeral the REAL pain will begin. The loneliness and emptiness. Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary that for all in tense and purpose I lost my husband of 24 yrs. I too was in my 20's when we met. I still haven't recovered. I talk to his picture, talk out loud to him, just whatever I can do to keep him close. Next week I have a trip to the mountains planned to spread his ashes.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't. You do learn to live each day moment by moment and that's ok. Just take each day as it comes. There will be good days and bad days. but with each day you will get stronger. My heart goes out to you, I felt the same way. Who is going to want me now? But the truth is, when the time is right, it will happen. You may surprise yourself and find that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I wish you well my friend....