So - yes 6 mos passed on May 4. A week or so later I did feel something inside me let go in some way - I want to live and enjoy life again. I can't go back and that part of me that thinks I can is starting to fade. For me I was personally a miserable person at least careerwise and I just ignored it because my partner propped me up. HE made life doable. After he died I just collapsed and could not continue with the job I had. WHICH REALLY MADE THINGS OVERLY COMPLICATED Today I have some prospects for jobs - PLEASE pray for me. I also am going to try to remain in the house he left me. But I was about to abandon it all and just find some other way. Worst case scenario is I sell the house and rent something with the proceeds. But please all of you pray I can find something decent - I'm not conflicted anymore about someone new either. I would love to find a real life partner and be happy. I will always cherish what I had for nearly 9 years but YUP after only 6 mos IF I were to find that special someone I would go for it. Angry b/c my partner was taken from me but I must go on. Well that is how I feel today. I'm sure there will be days I am not so positive - (if this can be considered positive) I am terrified at my circumstances. Some people say "at least" they had a job they loved and that carried them through the storm. I am not so lucky. Please pray my luck changes soon. I really am trying even feeling the weight of grief. My soul is tired. IF I found someone - which I would love to do - I would love to marry and go off in the sunset taking all I learned in my past with me.
Some days I am hopeful for a normal life again. I really feel I went through life so miserable for so many years and losing the light of my life really almost killed me. Now I feel I can be alone but I just want a pleasant way to make a living. I am still really lost but I will keep trying. I pray every day and night - and I appreciate your help!
Hello Robert D.,
I just have to thank you for the beautiful way you describe our new normal - today sir you have truly given me something to picture and hold on to to get me through some rough times I'm experiencing - Bless you for that my friend.
Wishing you a bright and peaceful day -
I hope you are right Robert D!
With two Roberts posting it could get confusing, but you know I'm writing this to you Robert C. I am doing alright - we have some very similar situations and I hear you loud and clear about everything from wanting to keep your house, to finding employment and a source of income. Those things are hard enough for anyone in daily life, but you have shared that you can be insecure and vulnerable, which is where Richard lifted you up and kept you going. Larry did that for me, as you know, so we're both at the point where we realize we need to take a little firmer grasp of our lives and futures. I'll tell you it scares the hell out of me, but in my case my choices and options seem to be narrowing every day, mostly for financial reasons - it seems so unfair that when we are most confused and lost that the harsh realities of commerce bang at our doors demanding our attention. I will indeed pray for you most fervently my friend, and hope you will do so for me. We both need to listen to Robert D. because his words are full of encouragement, hope, and understanding...and that is what this special place is all about.
You have a very beautiful soul Robert, and when you least expect it, and I suspect from the most unexpected place, someone will cross your path with whom you will connect through friendship and caring, listening and truly hearing each other ( a rare thing sometimes in these days of instant messaging and tweeting). Just try, as I will, to picture yourself flying around and above all challenges and obstacles and landing in that perfect harmony he so eloquently describes for you...and for all of us who need to learn how to use our new wings.
Have a peaceful day, my friend, and you are in my thoughts and prayers today onward -
Thank you Chuck - sometimes I just feel a little bit better hearing from nice people like you. I WILL pray for you that you find yourself in a pleasant place and have calm in your soul - I feel like I have a lot to offer in a career and friendships and in life. I pray for just a pleasant life - and some stability - Whatever I have learned or am learning I hope I can help others. Pray Pray Pray YES YES YES!! I hope to fly again - and hopefully here on earth !
Good Morning Robert,
I hope you are feeling a bit more hopeful and tranquil - that's what this place has given me so many times... it's here for exactly this reason.
My friend, you do indeed have a lot to offer - your place and purpose in life will reveal itself with time and you need only attempt to keep your mind and heart open to the path that you will find laid out before you.
In my experience, older but not necessarily wiser than you, the things and people you need won't appear on white horses or served on silver trays, heralded by trumpets and fanfare.They tiptoe into your life quietly, gently tap you on the shoulder, and slowly and effortlessly become a part of you until suddenly you say "How did this happen? Where and when did these small gifts become so enmeshed in my life?" Then you will know you are healing from your loss, and the pain will be lessened and bearable.
Until then, just believe in yourself, in your own goodness and value, and be very careful not to fall victim to traps that await the lonely and venerable - not all things - or all people sadly - good for you.
Wishing you a peaceful day -
Hi, Robert - your post is moving....unfortunately it's like that. I very nearly lost my job in the few months after my husband passed - it's hard to explain to someone who's not gone through it, but you're really in a fog, for quite a while. and yes, then you're angry. But then you realize as you have that you'd prefer to live than die, so you do pick yourself up and get back to life. You find you know yourself a lot better than you thought, that all those properties which allowed your partner to "save you" are still in you (and were probably there all the time)- his death doesn't change that.
Ref. dating, yes, you should jump back in the pool. I did - and man did I screw a few things up the first few interesting guys...I think that too is part of the process, I think you need to make those mistakes because that's what gets you past your last life and into your next life. For me, it'll be 3 years in October, and he was ill for about 16 months prior. I've been dating my current boyfriend for a year (it'll be a year tomorrow) - I don't think about marriage but I do think about commitment and we are a good couple, I can picture myself growing old with him.
And I'm not angry any more. Yes, I miss a lot of aspects of my old life; but there are aspects in my new life that I would miss as well - so it's all trade-offs. The key is to be satisfied with yourself, and then ultimately you'll be happy. I hope you've had some good luck and that it will continue, and it's good that you've not given up - this is a very slow process...
My heart aches for you.
I too am terrified, and am more or less in your same position - the facts of life do not give us a hall pass. Losing your loved one, losing your livelyhood, relocating - each one of these traumas would be enough to deal with let alone all three at once. Be gentle w/yourself
I wish I could say that it gets easier. it;s only been a few months since my loss, so I am struggling too.
Dear heart, if I could smile through my tears, it would be for you.