So I'm approaching the one year mark of my partner of 10 years passing next week.  I have major anxiety about it as I do not know what the day will bring.  I miss him tremendously and I think about him every day 1,000 times a day.  I try not to think of what the day will bring and  hope to just roll with it when it comes.  Easier said than done, right?  I can tell those of you who have lost their partner more recently that it does get "easier" and more "tolerable"  It still is not the same and I do not even recognize the person I was before all of this happened but you are able to get through the days.  I cannot tell you what tomorrow will bring, but know that if its a bad day, its just a day and that day will pass and you can wake up tomorrow with a brand new start. 

I'm not sure how spiritual any of you are but I was a little before the passing of my husband and even more so after.  I have received amazing, beautiful signs/affirmations from him.  I ask of you who read this, be open to them, ask for them from your partner and God/HigherPower/Universe.  They will be things that only  you recognize, whether it be randomly looking at a clock and seeing his/her birthday, an anniversary or any significant date.  Having a butterfly come and land on you or finding a penny on the ground in a spot that you just walked passed and know there was nothing there.  I personally, although this may sound crazy to you, but I've received messages in license plates.  Yes, license plates.  My initials with 143 afterwards, which if you remember from beeper days stands for I LOVE YOU.  His initials with a specific date after.  There are no coincidences. 

I would like to share this with you.  This is something that my mother-in-law posted the day after the 11 month anniversary of the passing of her son/myhusbands passing.  Like I said, I do not believe in coincidences anymore and if you read this, I hope this brings you some kind of comfort.  When reading this, know that my husbands name was Christopher, I loved him dearly, I miss him to no end and I know he is still with us everyday in a new/different way....God bless..

"There are no coincidences! The cable man comes to our house today to fix a problem. We were walking upstairs from the basement and he said to me "not bad for a guy who died and came back to life 11 months ago. I turned and looked at him in shock and said "what did you say?" He continued to tell me that he had a massive heart attack ll months ago and he was dead and they were working on him for... a long time. He said he went to the other side and saw heaven and all his relatives. He said it was a great place.
Still feeling shocked I told him about my son and how 11 months ago yesterday he went to heaven. He then assured me that he is fine!
That it is a beautiful place and he is with all his relatives. He said again don't worry he is fine. I went there! I then showed him a picture and said this is my son Christopher. He was a bit stunned and said my name is Christopher!
I don't believe in coincidences! I know he was sent to me to let me know my son Christopher is okay. Thank you Christopher for sending me so many signs! I love you and miss you so so much!"

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Hello there dear John. I too had the one year anniversary of my darling Clark's passing this past Monday, July 7. We had been together for 32 years. He was only 54 when he died. We had been together since he was 22 and I was 24. You are right. I too was wondering how I would survive the day. We had just taken early retirement and had moved to a small town where I do not know very many people. I was worried the emotions of the day would overcome me... and in a way they did. But it was not terrible. In fact, some parts were quite peaceful. I decided to go up to a nearby mountain lookout tower with two friends and renewed our wedding vows. Clark and I loved the view from the lookout tower and he always said "This wonderful nature view is one of the main reasons we moved up here." So it was very fitting to go up there and tell him how much I love him. 

I then had my two friends to the house and we had a nice afternoon trading stories of our wonderful Clark. I was at times sad but also at times very glad we had done this. To me too it seems like it is not possible that a whole year has passed. I can't believe I have been crying in pain for 365 days. I truly never understood how horrible it is to lose a husband or a wife until this year. People say it gets better but I don't know. To me the wound is fresh as the day it happened. Sometime I think it is even worse. But we go on right? 

I am so very glad that you are close to your spouse's mother. I too am close to Clark's mom (she is 89!). We both truly believe that he is out there and looking out over us. I would share with you what happened at the exact hour that he passed away on this first anniversary but I promised Clark that I would not tell a soul. Suffice it to say that it has reaffirmed my belief that he is still in my life and loving me and watching over me. 

Take care of yourself on the anniversary of your sweet love's passing. Try and have some good thoughts about your happy days with Christopher. Hug someone that knew him and feel their love for you both. Bless you. 

John,

I managed to make it through the one year anniversary of my Danny's passing.... I decided to make it a party of sorts. I made dinner reservations at his favorite Italian restaurant nod then invited 15-20 friends that we were closest to. I had appetizers set out waiting for them when they arrived.

We ate, we drank, we talked about funny stories of things we had done with Danny. Even after being together for 15 years, I was still surprised to learn a few new things about my soulmate. It really was a wonderful way to make it through the day.... We ended up Clint. A"Remembrance Celebration" and boy did we celebrate. I know Danny was there with us enjoying the party and sharing his love from the other side...

I miss him every day, the pin does lessen, but it can come rushing back with many different triggers...
... A smell... I went to an Indian restaurant. Smelled those spices nod Burt into tears. I just couldn't stop crying. The hotness thought I was nuts. Danny nd I used to go and enjoy all types of food and Indian was one of his favorites.
.. A piece of music... Danny lived z80's music... Knew every song, every word, every group... I'm driving down the road and Tears For Fears "Shout" comes on.... Yup, I lost it again.
... A place... Our favorite spot to escape to... I went for a music festival and just walked around I. A daze for three days... Can't tell you why I did, who I talked to, if I even TE... But every one on Ocracoke (an island off the coast of North Carolina) knew us and made sure I was ok. I learned afterwords that they had people keeping an eye me the whole weekend making sure I didn't walk off into the surf and not come back. Lol

I'm finding that there are more things to remember that make me happy than just feeling sad at the loss. I will still find myself telling myself that I need to remember to tell Danny about something interesting... Then I catch myself. Then I realize I don't have to tell him later, he's always with me - I know this in my heart.

So, surround yourself with any friends that you can find that shared in your life with Christopher. My thoughts nod prayers will be with you on that day. Be emotional, be crazy, and be happy as often as you can :-)

Dear John,

My condolescences to you and I hope that God is making each day a little bit easier for you. I lost my partner Todd just over two years ago. It does get easier. It may seem preposterous, but the first year after he passed away there were only a few waking hours that went by where he didn’t enter mind. He was the center of my world. Even when I was at work or watching a movie or doing anything else that is supposed to focus your attention, my attention kept turning back to him. While memories of him ocassionally brought me a smile, most of the time they led to this panicky feeling of “how am I supposed to go on”, and even “I don’t want to go on without him”.

Anyway, reading your message was almost like reading a note that I would have written. I look for signs from him and for a while I was excessively looking at license plates. On our anniversity, I saw a license plate with my name on it. I often see “YOU” lisence plates and take it as a comforting message from him. Once I saw a bumper sticker that said something like try fishing, don’t do drugs. My partner  Todd struggled with drug abuse most of life. He would often go fishing after work to calm his nerves and fight the temptation to do drugs.

Thank you for sharing with us. Grief is a lonely journey, especially for GLBT individuals in a world that often won’t acknowledge us.

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