Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on June 23, 2016 at 12:05pm

Hi, Maino.   It's not easy, and this is just the beginning of a long journey.  This site will help a lot, especially as you go through everything.  After the heart-broken bit, you'll feel the numbness - it's normal, and it's maddening as it seems like it'll last forever.  But it doesn't.  And then you'll start thinking of him as your past, not your present - and you'll feel guilty.  Don't be - you're not.  And as you go back out into life, you'll realize that you're a little different - a widower, a term that after a time you'll hate, and that you'll eventually discard.  You've gone through a life-altering experience - only people who have also gone through it will understand.  But eventually even that will become part of your experience, not your present.   Good luck and stay strong with all this.  It does get better, and people on this site all have shared your experience and their insights will be invaluable.

Permalink Reply by Magnanimity on June 23, 2016 at 12:08pm

Thank you for the words of encouragement.

Permalink Reply by Scott G. on June 23, 2016 at 12:17pm

Hi Maino,

I am so sorry.  You are going to go through a lot of feelings and I'm sure all of them are normal.  Also there is no rule or timeline for what you will do and how long you will grieve.  I think you will always grieve.  I really do not like the term grieve because it sounds to me like it is a definite thing with a beginning and an end.  I found myself absorbing myself when Skip died into the practical things that I had to do and then pushed back the grieving.  Our situation was a one year experience so I had to take in my anger and how I felt about that.  Also do not feel bad to think about you/yourself.  This is normal.  I used to feel guilty about that because I was not the one who died right?  A part of my life did die.  It does not mean that I won't go one because I know I will and I have to.  A few days before Skip died, he was very concerned about me and said "what will happen to you?"  I think it was his first saying after I had to tell him.  Even though your partner's death was unexpected you know that he is there supporting you.  It is OKAY to talk to him.  We are all here for you and can help with advice on practical things as well.  Hang in there,

Scott

Permalink Reply by Magnanimity on June 23, 2016 at 12:52pm

Thank you! Yes, I still talk to him.

Permalink Reply by Paul Bowers on July 18, 2016 at 12:34pm

Hi Maino
You've experienced a loss no one can accurately describe unless they've been there. Initially, everything will be hard. Looking at pictures, going to the places you shared together, a certain song or movie. You will cry when you least expect it and when you do, let the tears come. You never truly heal. You adapt and eventually accept what's happened. Write to me anytime. I lost a partner of 26 years almost 4 years ago. I talk to him everyday, and I thank God I was lucky enough to meet a man who truly loved me.

Paul

Permalink Reply by Magnanimity on July 18, 2016 at 2:38pm

You are absolutely correct, I just started crying the other day. I try to hold it in. But it flows. I've had a dream about him, he was letting me know he was ok. It's just so hard.

Permalink Reply by Paul Bowers on July 18, 2016 at 5:27pm

Hi Maino
I'm glad you are having positive dreams about his being okay. You will get all kinds of signs from him that he is definitely around you and with you. Just keep your mind open. In my instance, I have very life like dreams. I also have had things go off and on at all hours of the day and night. His name has come up on my caller ID. The most pronounced thing however has been the frequent instance of butterflies.

One time, as I was beginning to mow the yard, as I turned on the mower, the biggest, most unusual looking butterfly appeared. It was so big, I looked at it, but kept mowing. Suddenly, it just landed on my shoulder and sat calmly while I kept mowing. I didn't want the butterfly to leave, so I made no effort to move my head. I kept mowing. After making about three passes with my mower, I realized that this had to be a sign from Mike letting me know he was alright.

Never turning off the mower, I turned my head toward this huge beautiful butterfly and said "This has to be you letting me know you're okay. I want you to know I love you and will never forget you. Thank you for the love you gave me, and that one day we would see each other again. It was then that the butterfly fluttered directly in front of me for about 30 seconds, and then was gone.

I was so relieved and happy. I knew this was the sign. My head and my heart just knows it. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders that very instant, and I became more open and aware of my surroundings from that day forward. Most of all, it brought me real happiness knowing that he was okay and would always be with me, one way or other.

Sorry for the long ramble. Keep yourself open to all the upcoming things you will see and hear from your loved one. He's with you. I hope this doesn't sound crazy, but this incident will stay with me forever.

Peace and love

Paul

Permalink Reply by Magnanimity on July 18, 2016 at 6:01pm

No,it doesn't sound crazy. That's awesome, I try to stay open mentally.

Permalink Reply by Magnanimity on June 23, 2016 at 12:55pm

He was such a life of the party type guy. He would always introduce me to new people. His friends and I call and text each other, since his passing. We just all think about the good times we had with him.

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on June 23, 2016 at 1:03pm

My spouse was a "larger than life" kind of person as well, and I connected with a lot of his friends during our time together.   I used to think of myself as the wallflower in the relationship.  But you know what?  Over time, I realized that I had just as large a personality as he did, and I have since built very strong friendships with people who were originally his friends, and they are part of my new life, and have become friends with my new boyfriend as well.  This is a terrible journey but you will get surprises like this as you realize that it was YOUR worth, not just his, that kept you together.

Permalink Reply by Magnanimity on June 23, 2016 at 1:07pm

I believe in everything you stated.