Hi, Maino. It's not easy, and this is just the beginning of a long journey. This site will help a lot, especially as you go through everything. After the heart-broken bit, you'll feel the numbness - it's normal, and it's maddening as it seems like it'll last forever. But it doesn't. And then you'll start thinking of him as your past, not your present - and you'll feel guilty. Don't be - you're not. And as you go back out into life, you'll realize that you're a little different - a widower, a term that after a time you'll hate, and that you'll eventually discard. You've gone through a life-altering experience - only people who have also gone through it will understand. But eventually even that will become part of your experience, not your present. Good luck and stay strong with all this. It does get better, and people on this site all have shared your experience and their insights will be invaluable.
I am so sorry. You are going to go through a lot of feelings and I'm sure all of them are normal. Also there is no rule or timeline for what you will do and how long you will grieve. I think you will always grieve. I really do not like the term grieve because it sounds to me like it is a definite thing with a beginning and an end. I found myself absorbing myself when Skip died into the practical things that I had to do and then pushed back the grieving. Our situation was a one year experience so I had to take in my anger and how I felt about that. Also do not feel bad to think about you/yourself. This is normal. I used to feel guilty about that because I was not the one who died right? A part of my life did die. It does not mean that I won't go one because I know I will and I have to. A few days before Skip died, he was very concerned about me and said "what will happen to you?" I think it was his first saying after I had to tell him. Even though your partner's death was unexpected you know that he is there supporting you. It is OKAY to talk to him. We are all here for you and can help with advice on practical things as well. Hang in there,
My spouse was a "larger than life" kind of person as well, and I connected with a lot of his friends during our time together. I used to think of myself as the wallflower in the relationship. But you know what? Over time, I realized that I had just as large a personality as he did, and I have since built very strong friendships with people who were originally his friends, and they are part of my new life, and have become friends with my new boyfriend as well. This is a terrible journey but you will get surprises like this as you realize that it was YOUR worth, not just his, that kept you together.