February 19 will mark 6 years since she passed away.  There are moments when it feels like decades since I last saw her in this life and other moments it feels like days or hours.   I still have "grief" dreams ... dreams of her still living, but with something always in the way of the two of us connecting and being together.  I wake from those dreams desperate to fall back asleep and somehow fix whatever it was that kept us apart.  And while I feel a twinge of depression when I get out of bed after one of these dreams, I still feel grateful to have seen her and heard her voice, even in dream state.

Life has changed so much since she left the planet.  New home, new friends, new job.  None of it is exciting.  It is just a process of getting through each day and preparing for the next.  I try to plan for events that will add something to look forward to ... that seems to help make life worth living.  There's nothing I can do to change the course of history and all I can really do today is continue to accept life on it's terms and keep moving on. 

I still miss her and always will.  I sometimes find myself wondering what we would be doing today if she were still alive.  Where would we live?  Would she have that awesome university position?  Would I have the opportunity to return to school and find a new career?  Where would we travel?  It doesn't really hurt much following these questions through in my head.  It sometimes gives me ideas of things I'd like to do and places I would like to visit.  I think my partner would approve.

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Hi.... It's only been three months since I lost my Danny. I had two months where I couldn't eat or sleep at all. Lost 65 pounds and a whole lot of friends. I am struggling with how to make it through each day. I am sure I will survive, I just cannot imagine a lif without him. We did very thing together and most people jst blow it off as if we were merely roommates. They don't get it that we were just like any old married couple they knew.

How long were you together? Six years apart is like a whole other lifetime.

I share your pain... And understand your loss. My prayers ar with you.

It's only been just under 10 months for me.  I wish I could see him in my dreams, at least it would be something.  I've felt nothing.  I hope this doesn't last forever.  I struggle with the idea of why I would have been given such amazing happiness so I could experience such catastrophic loss.  I know if I knew how much this would hurt I would have still loved him just as much, and maybe taken just a little more time for more special moments. 

I am too busy most of the time to think about the loss.  Work keeps me overly busy.  Though that is becoming harder as well.  It's difficult to work with people who expect me to be as passionately interested in whatever they are, when they don't realize how little some things matter in comparison. 

Coming to this site and reading other peoples stories help me break out the tears and hopefully take steps towards moving forward.  I was fortunate to be left with stable finances, and a home that is paid for.  That has been a blessing.  The lasting gift from my fiscally conservative partner.  That and the memory of the greatest love I have ever experienced. 

Be well, and try to be happy.

Jerry,

With time, it does get a little easier, but the grief never goes away completely.  It returns time and time again.  I do often find myself thinking about all the stuff I SHOULD have done, words I SHOULD have said.  I just pull myself back, in those moments, and remind myself of the wonderful relationship my partner and I shared together and tell myself it was what it was ... happy times with a wonderful person.  I send you my thoughts and urge you to reach out to other people and keep yourself as involved in life as you can.

Jerry Matheny said:

It's only been just under 10 months for me.  I wish I could see him in my dreams, at least it would be something.  I've felt nothing.  I hope this doesn't last forever.  I struggle with the idea of why I would have been given such amazing happiness so I could experience such catastrophic loss.  I know if I knew how much this would hurt I would have still loved him just as much, and maybe taken just a little more time for more special moments. 

I am too busy most of the time to think about the loss.  Work keeps me overly busy.  Though that is becoming harder as well.  It's difficult to work with people who expect me to be as passionately interested in whatever they are, when they don't realize how little some things matter in comparison. 

Coming to this site and reading other peoples stories help me break out the tears and hopefully take steps towards moving forward.  I was fortunate to be left with stable finances, and a home that is paid for.  That has been a blessing.  The lasting gift from my fiscally conservative partner.  That and the memory of the greatest love I have ever experienced. 

Be well, and try to be happy.

My Partner and I were together for 17 years.  And it was so hard those first couple of years to conceive of life without her.  Yes, we too did everything together.  We had friends, but chose to spend most of our time alone together.  And when we moved across the country in 2003, we came into an environment surrounded by strangers.  After her death, it was excruciating.  I had my hospice grief support group and a not-for-profit support group that kept me on my feet.  I suggest you get a journal and do some writing.  It helped me quite a bit to put my feelings into words ... get the words out of my head and onto paper.  Hang in there and reach out to others when you feel desperate.

Hi - I don't come to this forum often, and have never written anything, or if I did it was a while ago. My beloved partner Cindy would have been 56 Feb 19 - she died Dec 21 2012 of pancreatic cancer, 7 months after being diagnosed. I'm really feeling the loss intensely the last couple of days with her birthday & 2 month death anniversary coming. I don't have much else to say at the moment - in general I attempt to stay engaged in life, but for the first time I just feel like laying on the couch & watching movies - not my usual m.o., and not what I've been doing so far - and probably not what I will do (ok maybe I'll spend a little time on the couch.) Rebecca, your post about your partner's anniversary prompted me to just put out a little hello, so thank you.

I totally understand. My Danny passed on October 27th of 2012. I had to get though thanksgiving (we always did that holiday in a big way), then Christmas and new years (we always travelled for those holidays), then Danny would have turned 50 on January 8th, and then our 15 year anniversary on January 21st... Everything comes one after the other. Some days I feel like I can't even breath.

There does not seem to be any decent grief counseling groups here... So I found hs site to share our story with in hopes I could fin some like-minded folks to understand the deep loss and possibly share...

Michael,

This place can be a resource.  Maybe we could urge other gay and lesbian members to connect here at the same time, and we can use the chat to communicate.

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I understand everything you just described.  And, I'm so sorry.  God - I know how you feel.  My "soulmate", of 16 years, passed away in September, quickly, had heart bypass in March, thought she would be great, and it all failed and she passed away on 9 Septermber.  I can't even begin to describe how I feel - although now I now you all feel it too - I'm not alone.  I can't get her out of my mind, and I don't want to, but I want to remember the good times, not the last days.  Why can't I get the last days out of my mind?   I miss her so much, everything reminds me of her.  I think of her every second of the day unless I am consumed at work - thankfully, I am now.  But, as soon as I walk out of work, it all comes back.  I won't see her or talk to her that night - silly conversations - what the cat did, stuff about work - the stuff only we talked about.  

And, yes, so many things unfulfilled.  Never to be now.

Thank you, the original sender, and all of you who responded...for your honesty and truth about how you are feeling - I am so sorry about your losses.  

And I am also grateful that you shared your experiences.  When the unbearable darkness and sadness, and disbelief hits...I now know that I am just not totally losing it, that it is a part of grief, shared by all who lose the most important person in their life.  

I know how you feel, Susan. My partner passed away five months ago and I think of her constantly. Days are not too bad when I am occupied, but nights are aweful and I find myself crying constantly. I am sorry for your loss and wonder how you are doing now, a year and a half later. Are you in a peaceful place?
 
Susan T said:

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I understand everything you just described.  And, I'm so sorry.  God - I know how you feel.  My "soulmate", of 16 years, passed away in September, quickly, had heart bypass in March, thought she would be great, and it all failed and she passed away on 9 Septermber.  I can't even begin to describe how I feel - although now I now you all feel it too - I'm not alone.  I can't get her out of my mind, and I don't want to, but I want to remember the good times, not the last days.  Why can't I get the last days out of my mind?   I miss her so much, everything reminds me of her.  I think of her every second of the day unless I am consumed at work - thankfully, I am now.  But, as soon as I walk out of work, it all comes back.  I won't see her or talk to her that night - silly conversations - what the cat did, stuff about work - the stuff only we talked about.  

And, yes, so many things unfulfilled.  Never to be now.

Thank you, the original sender, and all of you who responded...for your honesty and truth about how you are feeling - I am so sorry about your losses.  

And I am also grateful that you shared your experiences.  When the unbearable darkness and sadness, and disbelief hits...I now know that I am just not totally losing it, that it is a part of grief, shared by all who lose the most important person in their life.  

Michael, Claudia and I were together 17 years. That sounds like a long relationship to some people, but it seems like a link of the eye.

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