Hello My name is Otilio Puente, people call me O.T. I am joining in Memory of my husband Brandon (Szarmach) Puente who passed away on October 25, 2013.
Brandon was the most beautiful man in my life. He loved everyone but was so filled with pain inside he hid it with his smile. He left not being able to express his secrets that only now in his death I am able to experience first hand what he felt inside. 
When he died as cliche' as it may sound .. I died with him. He really was a part of me that I can not get back. And even thou he may be with me everyday in spirit I will not truly be happy until I am with him again. We laughed, we argued, we joked, we disagreed, we had the closest we could to a family and through it all we were always there for each other no matter what. Every night when we laid down to sleep we always kissed each other and said "I Love You" ... except that final night because I fell asleep while he was still awake and when I woke he was gone. Every night still I tell him "I Love You" and wait for him to reply. One day He will say it back and I will be back in his arms again.

Since He passed away the family at first acted as if they were sympathetic and we were working together to plan his services then on the day NOTHING was what we planned and I began to find out the ugly truth. I was erased from his life. I was not in the services at all, no pictures no mention in the sermon and on top of it all I was asked to leave. He had a burial plot where we were to be buried together and they had him cremated, they pulled the next of kin with the funeral home and claimed his ashes and the funeral home denied me regardless of the legal forms I had to support my side. Police were no help and I am here with nothing. His mother even claims she doesnt know where his wedding ring is, she states the Medical examiner never returned it. 

His mother and father were divorced and bounced him back and forth his whole life and he was a victim of abuse, mental and physical from both his parents. Now that he is gone they act like they were the best parents and his whole family is acting like they were model parents. I always felt he had been exaggerating when he told me how they were, like some people do when talking about childhood discipline but NOW I know he was holding back the real ugliness they had hidden. 

I have feel numb I wish I could feel something .. I break down and cry every day now at the drop of a hat and because I am now constantly thinking about lawyers and court proceedings I dont think I have actually grieved or maybe this is all me still going thru it. I know it wont get easier. I just wish each day I could handle it better than the last. 

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I wish I could be more helpful, but I just don't know how.  I am two days short of 19 months and I can honestly say it has only gotten mildly easier.  This is likely the most difficult thing you will ever experience.  It will take time.  His family are obviously a--holes.  However, you have what you two shared together.  They can never take that.  Ultimately ashes are ashes, but the love you shared is yours forever.  Hang in there.  Time will help.

Sorry to hear of your loss Otilio and everything that has occurred since Brandon passed.   You are in the phase of grief were everything is still very raw; it is a horrible, painful time. I think that is why the brain makes you feel numb.  It will lessen over time and you can continue to process your feelings and your grief but it takes time a long time.    Brandon was lucky he found you to improve his life and to experience what life and love is all about.  What you two shared no one can erase because he continues to live in you and you continue to be a part of his spirit and like you said one day your spirits will intertwine for eternity never to be parted again.  Hang in there.

The loss of our beloved partners never leaves. But, that is a testament to the love between our partners & ourselves. For a while, the pain is so terrible that you feel as if the wound will never heal. Probably like many of you on this site, you wish that you had gone together as you can't fathom life without the other. I know that when my partner of over 28 years passed away in March 2012, I felt like this & was totally numb. I had just retired & was waiting for Tina to retire in 9 months. However, we had both talked openly about our health conditions & what we wanted for each other. We had already purchased our retirement home but initially I didn't want anything. Luckily, I had our two dogs to comfort me & I knew that my elderly parents with dementia needed me as well. Luckily, I had over 30 years of sobriety & had learned to live "one day at a time" which sometimes was "one minute at a time." This group helped tremendously as did several other groups where I met someone who had experienced the same event, albeit almost 20 years before when her partner committed suicide. Our daily writings to each other provided the connection that was missing. To make a long story short, we're now together & feel that we honor both our partners by talking about them as well as building a new life together. Take it easy  and focus on the love you had together. Peace!

Hi, Otillio.

I lost my husband of nearly 12 years in October - after a year plus of suffering, and coming so close to get our lives back, but the Universe sometimes has its own ideas.  We were legally married so I had more control over what happened (and continues to happen) after his passing, but the living don't really understand how empty and numb you feel after your soul mate has passed.   Grief is such an individual process, and includes anger, and hate, and denial, and finally acceptance.  Also, none of us are perfect, and life doesn't expect perfection.  I realized over time and through friends that I really did honor his love when he was alive and his memory after her had passed - that I was the husband I wanted to be.  I would give anything for one more moment, one last time, one last talk, one last hug.  But you have to make a choice, you find, at some point in your grief:  you have to chose life or death.  I chose life, so now I must live for me.   It really does get easier once you make that decision, to return to the world of the living, for in the world of grief you live in a constant shadow.   I will miss him forever; I already know that.  But I have lost other family members, and I know the heart has an infinite capacity for caring.  I made difficult decisions such sellling his condo in Boston and rearranging my decor to reflect my personality versus ours.  I let my hair get a little longer.  I went to movies (advice - choose the comedies or action films at first) and relished being able to laugh again.   Don't let yourself get stuck in the ugly aftermath - my monster-in-law sounds like your spouse's parents.  Remember, it was YOU he shared the most important years of his life - not them - and they can't do anything to change that and it's all in the past anyway.  There was a reason you found eachother, a reason he fell in love with you.  It took me a while of introspection to figure out what it was that made my husband fall in love with me, but once you figure it out you gain back your sense of self-worth, and look forward to the life ahead of you.   There are no guarantees in life, and it's precious and short and there's no "re-do" button.   I'm not sure if this helps (I hope it does) but like the other folks who've posted their support, nobody really understands this until they go through it.   But it does get better, and it will surprise you.   Be strong (easier said than done) and focus on yourself - it's what he would have wanted as well.

I am new to this site but am already finding your comments helpful. I lost my beloved partner only five months ago and feel that the wound will never heal. She took part of my heart with her. Since I am not able to discuss my loss with anyone, I am grateful to have found this site.
 
Nancy Kennedy said:

The loss of our beloved partners never leaves. But, that is a testament to the love between our partners & ourselves. For a while, the pain is so terrible that you feel as if the wound will never heal. Probably like many of you on this site, you wish that you had gone together as you can't fathom life without the other. I know that when my partner of over 28 years passed away in March 2012, I felt like this & was totally numb. I had just retired & was waiting for Tina to retire in 9 months. However, we had both talked openly about our health conditions & what we wanted for each other. We had already purchased our retirement home but initially I didn't want anything. Luckily, I had our two dogs to comfort me & I knew that my elderly parents with dementia needed me as well. Luckily, I had over 30 years of sobriety & had learned to live "one day at a time" which sometimes was "one minute at a time." This group helped tremendously as did several other groups where I met someone who had experienced the same event, albeit almost 20 years before when her partner committed suicide. Our daily writings to each other provided the connection that was missing. To make a long story short, we're now together & feel that we honor both our partners by talking about them as well as building a new life together. Take it easy  and focus on the love you had together. Peace!

Evelyn:

Keep writing your thoughts and feelings. It's important for your health. I know that your partner would want you to keep on going even if it's some steps. Because my partner had such a serious problem with her heart & I saw how much that affected her & her ability to engage in activities, I know that she's no longer in pain or suffering. I feel her presence with me & I'm truly blessed to be sharing my life with another widower who I also encourage to talk about her partner despite her passing almost 20 years ago. I feel that we honor them. Never stop talking about them even if it's just on this site. I'm lucky that everyone I worked with knew my late partner so I can talk to them as well. I've also stayed close to her family which is much larger than my family. I'm here for you as our other people! Don't be hard on yourself! Peace.

Nancy is totally right.  I know that my best friend in California likely got sick of hearing me rant and rave, but you have to get your feelings out.  I'm over 8 months out since I lost my partner, and there are still good and bad days, but most of them good.  Also, you can't torture yourself as you gradually get back into life without them and that you no longer think of your life in terms of "we" but rather "me" or as with Nancy, finding a next life partner.  As much as we may not want to accept it, our late partners are part of our history, not our existence.  Your late partner valued you for what you are - and their passing hasn't changed that at all.

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