Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jerry Matheny on November 23, 2013 at 5:10pm

I wish I could be more helpful, but I just don't know how.  I am two days short of 19 months and I can honestly say it has only gotten mildly easier.  This is likely the most difficult thing you will ever experience.  It will take time.  His family are obviously a--holes.  However, you have what you two shared together.  They can never take that.  Ultimately ashes are ashes, but the love you shared is yours forever.  Hang in there.  Time will help.

Permalink Reply by Scott on November 24, 2013 at 9:00am

Sorry to hear of your loss Otilio and everything that has occurred since Brandon passed.   You are in the phase of grief were everything is still very raw; it is a horrible, painful time. I think that is why the brain makes you feel numb.  It will lessen over time and you can continue to process your feelings and your grief but it takes time a long time.    Brandon was lucky he found you to improve his life and to experience what life and love is all about.  What you two shared no one can erase because he continues to live in you and you continue to be a part of his spirit and like you said one day your spirits will intertwine for eternity never to be parted again.  Hang in there.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Kennedy on January 25, 2014 at 1:50pm

The loss of our beloved partners never leaves. But, that is a testament to the love between our partners & ourselves. For a while, the pain is so terrible that you feel as if the wound will never heal. Probably like many of you on this site, you wish that you had gone together as you can't fathom life without the other. I know that when my partner of over 28 years passed away in March 2012, I felt like this & was totally numb. I had just retired & was waiting for Tina to retire in 9 months. However, we had both talked openly about our health conditions & what we wanted for each other. We had already purchased our retirement home but initially I didn't want anything. Luckily, I had our two dogs to comfort me & I knew that my elderly parents with dementia needed me as well. Luckily, I had over 30 years of sobriety & had learned to live "one day at a time" which sometimes was "one minute at a time." This group helped tremendously as did several other groups where I met someone who had experienced the same event, albeit almost 20 years before when her partner committed suicide. Our daily writings to each other provided the connection that was missing. To make a long story short, we're now together & feel that we honor both our partners by talking about them as well as building a new life together. Take it easy  and focus on the love you had together. Peace!

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on March 2, 2014 at 3:19pm

Hi, Otillio.

I lost my husband of nearly 12 years in October - after a year plus of suffering, and coming so close to get our lives back, but the Universe sometimes has its own ideas.  We were legally married so I had more control over what happened (and continues to happen) after his passing, but the living don't really understand how empty and numb you feel after your soul mate has passed.   Grief is such an individual process, and includes anger, and hate, and denial, and finally acceptance.  Also, none of us are perfect, and life doesn't expect perfection.  I realized over time and through friends that I really did honor his love when he was alive and his memory after her had passed - that I was the husband I wanted to be.  I would give anything for one more moment, one last time, one last talk, one last hug.  But you have to make a choice, you find, at some point in your grief:  you have to chose life or death.  I chose life, so now I must live for me.   It really does get easier once you make that decision, to return to the world of the living, for in the world of grief you live in a constant shadow.   I will miss him forever; I already know that.  But I have lost other family members, and I know the heart has an infinite capacity for caring.  I made difficult decisions such sellling his condo in Boston and rearranging my decor to reflect my personality versus ours.  I let my hair get a little longer.  I went to movies (advice - choose the comedies or action films at first) and relished being able to laugh again.   Don't let yourself get stuck in the ugly aftermath - my monster-in-law sounds like your spouse's parents.  Remember, it was YOU he shared the most important years of his life - not them - and they can't do anything to change that and it's all in the past anyway.  There was a reason you found eachother, a reason he fell in love with you.  It took me a while of introspection to figure out what it was that made my husband fall in love with me, but once you figure it out you gain back your sense of self-worth, and look forward to the life ahead of you.   There are no guarantees in life, and it's precious and short and there's no "re-do" button.   I'm not sure if this helps (I hope it does) but like the other folks who've posted their support, nobody really understands this until they go through it.   But it does get better, and it will surprise you.   Be strong (easier said than done) and focus on yourself - it's what he would have wanted as well.

Permalink Reply by Evelyn Roberts on July 2, 2014 at 9:03pm

I am new to this site but am already finding your comments helpful. I lost my beloved partner only five months ago and feel that the wound will never heal. She took part of my heart with her. Since I am not able to discuss my loss with anyone, I am grateful to have found this site.
 
Nancy Kennedy said:

The loss of our beloved partners never leaves. But, that is a testament to the love between our partners & ourselves. For a while, the pain is so terrible that you feel as if the wound will never heal. Probably like many of you on this site, you wish that you had gone together as you can't fathom life without the other. I know that when my partner of over 28 years passed away in March 2012, I felt like this & was totally numb. I had just retired & was waiting for Tina to retire in 9 months. However, we had both talked openly about our health conditions & what we wanted for each other. We had already purchased our retirement home but initially I didn't want anything. Luckily, I had our two dogs to comfort me & I knew that my elderly parents with dementia needed me as well. Luckily, I had over 30 years of sobriety & had learned to live "one day at a time" which sometimes was "one minute at a time." This group helped tremendously as did several other groups where I met someone who had experienced the same event, albeit almost 20 years before when her partner committed suicide. Our daily writings to each other provided the connection that was missing. To make a long story short, we're now together & feel that we honor both our partners by talking about them as well as building a new life together. Take it easy  and focus on the love you had together. Peace!

Permalink Reply by Nancy Kennedy on July 3, 2014 at 11:41am

Evelyn:

Keep writing your thoughts and feelings. It's important for your health. I know that your partner would want you to keep on going even if it's some steps. Because my partner had such a serious problem with her heart & I saw how much that affected her & her ability to engage in activities, I know that she's no longer in pain or suffering. I feel her presence with me & I'm truly blessed to be sharing my life with another widower who I also encourage to talk about her partner despite her passing almost 20 years ago. I feel that we honor them. Never stop talking about them even if it's just on this site. I'm lucky that everyone I worked with knew my late partner so I can talk to them as well. I've also stayed close to her family which is much larger than my family. I'm here for you as our other people! Don't be hard on yourself! Peace.

Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on July 3, 2014 at 12:27pm

Nancy is totally right.  I know that my best friend in California likely got sick of hearing me rant and rave, but you have to get your feelings out.  I'm over 8 months out since I lost my partner, and there are still good and bad days, but most of them good.  Also, you can't torture yourself as you gradually get back into life without them and that you no longer think of your life in terms of "we" but rather "me" or as with Nancy, finding a next life partner.  As much as we may not want to accept it, our late partners are part of our history, not our existence.  Your late partner valued you for what you are - and their passing hasn't changed that at all.