Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nancy Kennedy on May 15, 2012 at 10:15am

Chip: I live in PG County & my partner passed on March 3rd here at our home. I wasn't here as my elderly parents were also in need of my time. I think it's great that you're obtaining EAP support. Because of my own chronic health problems [daily chronic pain since 1979], I've been seeing a great shrink in DC. She's been wonderful in helping me take everything "one day at a time" which is how I've lived my life for 33 years [in recovery]. We bought a retirement home in DE & I'm continuing to fix it up and feel that I'm honoring her spirit in that way. Write anytime as it's a horrible loss that we don't have to share alone. If you start a group, let me know!

Permalink Reply by Chip English on May 15, 2012 at 2:02pm

Nancy:

 

My condolences to you on your loss.  Thank you for your reply to my posting from last night.  I know that it many ways I am incredibly lucky and blessed: Brent and I had a perfect marriage (October 1999 in Boston) recognized by D.C. law; we met at the right time in our lives to form a true partnership (1999); I was "lucky" to be with Brent when he fell ill so that I could get him to GW and with him every day and the entire horrible day and moment that he died; we are incredibly supported by family and friends here in D.C. and in other locales where we have family and friends including his home state of Iowa that also recognizes our relationship/marriage; and we truly loved each other very much. 

That doesn't make it harder or easier than for anyone else on this discussion loop who has suffered this loss, although I recognize that by happenstance where we live does create far more benefits.  I am working with my EAP counselor and First Congregational UCC in D.C. to locate any existing support groups.  If I find one I certainly will pass that information on to you and others here.  And who knows, I might start one myself.

Respectfully,

Chip

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 15, 2012 at 8:36pm

Hi Chip. I am very sorry for your loss. My wonderful partner Homer passed away on Feb. 9th. We were together over 30 years. H was the kindest , sweetest person I ever known. the love of my life  . His passing has really hit me hard. I live right outside of Atlanta which has gay support groups for just about everything. yet there are no bereavement support groups.here either.Which  is hard to believe in an area this big. You gave me an idea maybe I will start a group also. I grew up in the DC area but it's been a long time since I left there. Take care.

Permalink Reply by Chip English on May 16, 2012 at 9:57am

Good morning Darrell:

Homer sounds wonderful and in fact a lot like my Brent.  I am very sorry for your loss.  My heart (broken like yours) goes out to you, Nancy and others on this site.  I have tried internet searches for groups such as these for a couple of weeks and finally just found this.  It shouldn't be that hard -- I suspect I was trying to limit it geographically, assuming that there must be a group here in D.C.  All I found was a link to a non-existent one in the suburbs.  And like you with very large gay community in D.C., I find it hard to believe that there isn't one.  So I keep poking and asking.  In the meantime, this site just over the past 4 days has been very helpful to me.  Like so many others who have commented on here, the grief just hits in waves.  Even with very large group of friends actively supporting me, of course there are times, alone or with them, that just beyond despair. 

Respectfully,

Chip

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 16, 2012 at 8:39pm

Hi Chip. Yes Homer was wonderful and I miss him so much some days that I do not know how I go on without him. Yet I keep plugging along I feel like I am just going through the motions of living.I guess I will get somewhat better  in time but it is something I will never get over. How do you if you really loved someone.

It  doesn't really help to ease the pain right now but we were very lucky Chip to have had such great partners. Real love is so hard to find in this world. Brent sounds like he was really a fantastic guy. Sorry if I was too much of a downer. Please feel free to contact me any time Chip. Take care.

Good morning Darrell:

Homer sounds wonderful and in fact a lot like my Brent.  I am very sorry for your loss.  My heart (broken like yours) goes out to you, Nancy and others on this site.  I have tried internet searches for groups such as these for a couple of weeks and finally just found this.  It shouldn't be that hard -- I suspect I was trying to limit it geographically, assuming that there must be a group here in D.C.  All I found was a link to a non-existent one in the suburbs.  And like you with very large gay community in D.C., I find it hard to believe that there isn't one.  So I keep poking and asking.  In the meantime, this site just over the past 4 days has been very helpful to me.  Like so many others who have commented on here, the grief just hits in waves.  Even with very large group of friends actively supporting me, of course there are times, alone or with them, that just beyond despair. 

Respectfully,

Chip

Permalink Reply by Chip English on May 21, 2012 at 3:09pm

Darrell:

Sorry that I have not responded sooner to your last message, I have been on travel and am just catching back up on matters.  And I just had a very difficult week last week when I first found this site.

You were not a downer in your last e-mail.  Just the opposite.  I hope you have friends and family still looking out for you.  We are lucky and have large network of friends in D.C. and elsewhere who have been just there enough to be what I need when I need them without being annoying.  That is a hard line.  I also rely very, very much on our dog to keep me sane.  

The hardest part is everyone saying (and most don't I believe have the experience) that it will get better.  So far it has not gotten better and some recent days have been just plain unbearably sad.  The "trouble" with a great relationship is that its end is literally like losing a limb or two or three.  We spent every non-working, waking moment together or on the phone together.  So now everything I do reminds me of him.

Is it that way for you with respect to Homer?

Still looking for that support group,

Chip

Darrell Sours said:

Hi Chip. Yes Homer was wonderful and I miss him so much some days that I do not know how I go on without him. Yet I keep plugging along I feel like I am just going through the motions of living.I guess I will get somewhat better  in time but it is something I will never get over. How do you if you really loved someone.

It  doesn't really help to ease the pain right now but we were very lucky Chip to have had such great partners. Real love is so hard to find in this world. Brent sounds like he was really a fantastic guy. Sorry if I was too much of a downer. Please feel free to contact me any time Chip. Take care.

Good morning Darrell:

Homer sounds wonderful and in fact a lot like my Brent.  I am very sorry for your loss.  My heart (broken like yours) goes out to you, Nancy and others on this site.  I have tried internet searches for groups such as these for a couple of weeks and finally just found this.  It shouldn't be that hard -- I suspect I was trying to limit it geographically, assuming that there must be a group here in D.C.  All I found was a link to a non-existent one in the suburbs.  And like you with very large gay community in D.C., I find it hard to believe that there isn't one.  So I keep poking and asking.  In the meantime, this site just over the past 4 days has been very helpful to me.  Like so many others who have commented on here, the grief just hits in waves.  Even with very large group of friends actively supporting me, of course there are times, alone or with them, that just beyond despair. 

Respectfully,

Chip

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 22, 2012 at 10:09am

Hi Chip,

When I wrote the message Sunday night about there not being much support on this site. I was mainly reffering  to the people than have been in the group for a while like I have. You have been real nice and kind. In  the short time you have been a part of the group you have been more responsive to me than anyone. I feel kind of bad about writing that message now. I had really gotten down last weekend Weekends are really hard for me as well as nights.

You were right about everyone saying things will get better but they haven't gotten much better for me either.. Friends have been great .My family have been surprsingly suportive and even one of Homer's sisters has been very kind. Yet I still feel so alone and lost. I feel the same as you everything reminds me of Homer. I have a hard time concentrating on reading, watching TV, listening to music, anything because my mind wanders and I start thinking of him. I wish you luck in finding a support group in your area. What kind of dog do you have Chip? We had many pets over the years though I don't have any at this time. I think it would probably help me a great deal to get a pet. Take care.

 

 
Chip English said:

Darrell:

Sorry that I have not responded sooner to your last message, I have been on travel and am just catching back up on matters.  And I just had a very difficult week last week when I first found this site.

You were not a downer in your last e-mail.  Just the opposite.  I hope you have friends and family still looking out for you.  We are lucky and have large network of friends in D.C. and elsewhere who have been just there enough to be what I need when I need them without being annoying.  That is a hard line.  I also rely very, very much on our dog to keep me sane.  

The hardest part is everyone saying (and most don't I believe have the experience) that it will get better.  So far it has not gotten better and some recent days have been just plain unbearably sad.  The "trouble" with a great relationship is that its end is literally like losing a limb or two or three.  We spent every non-working, waking moment together or on the phone together.  So now everything I do reminds me of him.

Is it that way for you with respect to Homer?

Still looking for that support group,

Chip

Darrell Sours said:

Hi Chip. Yes Homer was wonderful and I miss him so much some days that I do not know how I go on without him. Yet I keep plugging along I feel like I am just going through the motions of living.I guess I will get somewhat better  in time but it is something I will never get over. How do you if you really loved someone.

It  doesn't really help to ease the pain right now but we were very lucky Chip to have had such great partners. Real love is so hard to find in this world. Brent sounds like he was really a fantastic guy. Sorry if I was too much of a downer. Please feel free to contact me any time Chip. Take care.

Good morning Darrell:

Homer sounds wonderful and in fact a lot like my Brent.  I am very sorry for your loss.  My heart (broken like yours) goes out to you, Nancy and others on this site.  I have tried internet searches for groups such as these for a couple of weeks and finally just found this.  It shouldn't be that hard -- I suspect I was trying to limit it geographically, assuming that there must be a group here in D.C.  All I found was a link to a non-existent one in the suburbs.  And like you with very large gay community in D.C., I find it hard to believe that there isn't one.  So I keep poking and asking.  In the meantime, this site just over the past 4 days has been very helpful to me.  Like so many others who have commented on here, the grief just hits in waves.  Even with very large group of friends actively supporting me, of course there are times, alone or with them, that just beyond despair. 

Respectfully,

Chip

Permalink Reply by Chip English on May 25, 2012 at 5:48am

Darrell:

Our dog, Willow, is a German Shorthair Pointer.  She is quite wonderful and has been especially fantastic during this very difficult time.  Obviously she misses Brent, too, and yet she seems to know that I need her love and support.  She does make it difficult to cry because if I am sitting down she climbs up on my lap (all 65 pounds of her) and licks my face until I stop crying.  And if I am standing she hops up and down to get at me.  

I do find weekends to be the most difficult and so I am trying to plan for that and have as busy a schedule as I can stand until I am too tired to let it be a problem.  I also note having just taken a red eye back east that being overly tired is its own problem.  So there is a fine line to making the weekends vaguely bearable.

So for instance, for Memorial Day I am filling our house with close friends and guests.  And they are going to participate in meal preparation and other activities.

Best, Chip

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 26, 2012 at 8:51pm

Hi Chip Willow does indeed sound wonderful..it's amazing how intuitive dogs and many animals are. they always  seems to know when we are in pain or hurting.The last dog   that we had Melody was part  Lab and part Airedale. She weighed  about 95 pounds and was so pretty. She had the sweetest disposition.and was so friendly to everyone. She especially loved kids. Hope you have a good weekend and Memorial Day Chip.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Kennedy on May 27, 2012 at 10:17am

Chip & Darrell:

 

I [we -- as in Tina and I] have two Keeshonds. I don't know what I would do without them. They are half-sisters and 4 & 5 years of age. They (BeBe & Bettina) grieve with me for Tina and I feel her closeness with them.

 

I'm tending this weekend to my elderly parents who both have dementia. They're in a wonderful Seniors' facility but they haven't ask me about Tina. Sometimes, we all just cry. I also lost my Aunt in January so 2012 hasn't been a good year.

But, we always lived "one day at a time," as I just celebrated 33 years of sobriety. I only thought about drinking. But, I wouldn't do that as I promised Tina a number of things that I'll do. So, my major goal is to honor her as I did for 28 1/2 years.

 

Love,

Nanc & the two B's

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 27, 2012 at 8:48pm

Hi Nancy and the two B's, I want to offer my condolences to you on the passing of your partner Tina.It  defintely sounds like you hav ehad a very difficult year. Mine has been pretty bad also.   My wonderful partner Homer passed away Feb. 9th. My mother and stepfather are both having a difficult time. My step-father is having renal cancer surgery on Wednesday. My mother had another stroke last year she had one before in 2005. She was in a rehabilation center last year and had go to go back in a few weeks ago because she had gotten so weak and had a hard time walking. She is doing a bit better though luckily and will probably be home in a few weeks.

I congradulate you on your 33 years of sobriety. That is wonderful.You should be very proud! There has been a history of alcoholism in my family including my father. My father was never able to get sober and died of liver cancer in 2008 .You should be very proud of youself!

I noticed that you live in Fort Washington. I grew up in the DC area, in the city, Seat Pleasant for a few years. outside of Winchester Virginia , and then in Camp Springs Md. I left there in 1979 and haven't been back there since. I do hope though to make a "sentimental journey" there sometime soon. I am glad that BeBe and Bettina are able to give you some comfort. I haven't  had a dog in about 6 years since our dog Melody passed. I think I may get another one soon. I am living alone also and a dog would be good company for me. Please write anytime Karen. It would be great to hear from you. Take care. 
Nancy Kennedy said:

Chip & Darrell:

 

I [we -- as in Tina and I] have two Keeshonds. I don't know what I would do without them. They are half-sisters and 4 & 5 years of age. They (BeBe & Bettina) grieve with me for Tina and I feel her closeness with them.

 

I'm tending this weekend to my elderly parents who both have dementia. They're in a wonderful Seniors' facility but they haven't ask me about Tina. Sometimes, we all just cry. I also lost my Aunt in January so 2012 hasn't been a good year.

But, we always lived "one day at a time," as I just celebrated 33 years of sobriety. I only thought about drinking. But, I wouldn't do that as I promised Tina a number of things that I'll do. So, my major goal is to honor her as I did for 28 1/2 years.

 

Love,

Nanc & the two B's

Permalink Reply by Chip English on May 31, 2012 at 8:35pm

Nancy and the two B's:

My condolences to you.  All the best,  Chip

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