My name is Lynne. I may be in the wrong group, but I don't know where else to go. I live with anticipatory grief, which I am sure many of you have suffered from as well. My partner/wife of 4 years was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer mets to the liver. Two years later she is still here, but the doctors remind us often that she will not always do well and will loose her battle at some point. We get scans every 4 months and wait to find out if that is the current scan is her last. I grief everyday not about what has happened, but what will happen. Then once it happens I will grieve all over again. I am sure in this group many of you have gone through this, and I could sure use some help and advice to get through this. I appreciate all of you and feel deeply for you.

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Lynne: My late partner Tina had aortic dissection Type II. It was diagnosed four years before she passed. We knew that, in a sense, she was a walking time bomb as her heart could fail at any time. But, having been in recovery from alcoholism for over three decades, I learned & she learned how to live one day at a time. We cherished each moment & didn't think about the next. We really never know as, when I was 29, a truck hit my small car, & I was flown to a shock trauma hospital. I healed except for having severe daily chronic pain; so, "one day at a time" was crucial. Of course, because of the meds I needed, I saw a psychiatrist once a month. All of this helped me normalize living this way. Good luck! All the best, Nanc

Lynn, my name is Geri and I loss the love of my life 6 months ago.  Sharon, my life partner and I battled her cancer for nearly 2 years.  Sharon fought bravely but on Aug. 1, 2013 she could fight no more.  The only thing I can suggest is to try to take it one day at a time and try not to project.  We never gave up, I was with her every minute of every day and her advocate to make sure all questions were asked and no stone was left unturned.  You may want to obtain the Health Directive/Power of Attorney.  Your hospital or hospice program can help you with this.  This is very important especially to make sure that her wishes are carried out whatever the outcome.  I don't if the two of you have discussed this but if she is of sound mind and she wants you in charge it has to be done.  If the two of you own a house or condo make sure you have a beneficiary deed or joint tenets with rights of survivorship.  If she has a car and wants you to have it make sure you get (Title on Death) or TOD on the title.  Fortunately, Sharon and I had these legal papers.  The main thing don't give up even though both of you will feel like it at times and more importantly pray.  It doesn't matter what kind of prayer but just pray.  I guess the most important advice I can give you to be grateful and love one another every day.  There will be days when she is full of anger and you will get the brunt of it but remember she is not angry at you she is angry because she cancer, because she is helpless, because she has no control, because she is sick and can't eat.  She is angry at the world, not you, so try not to take anything personal, just let her take it out on you if you can.  If you can't talk with someone or ask someone to sit with her while you take a walk or just do something that can get you away from everything for a while.  Neither of you have control over this terrible disease so you will feel angry too but try not to take it out on her, try not to be impatient, perhaps find a caregiver support group. 

My grieving over Sharon is deep and very  painful.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her or wish I was with her.  I hope you don't have to go through this but perhaps some of the suggestions I offered might help.  I belong to another web site called Lesbian Widows/Healthy Transitions.  There are sections on this web site for caregivers too.  You are more than welcome to join us, the women are very supportive.  I go by my name Geri on the site and you will be welcomed.  I will keep you and your partner in my prayer, remember miracles do happened.  Sharon and I believed in miracles and we believed she would be a miracle case.  Take care of yourself and write me any time or join us on LIGHT/Lesbian Widows.  Geri

Geri and Nancy, thank you so much for your advice and support.  It means so much to find people to talk to who understand.  I wish for both of you some joy in your life.  I do believe in miracles, and one is the fact that people can find each other during times like this and start friendships. My prayers are with both of you.

Hi Lynne, I am so sorry you are going through this. My name is Ginger and I lost my baby (Johnda) to cancer 8/22/13. We fought her fight for 6 months, and that was so hard. The one thing I can tell you is spend as much time with her as you can. try to remain sweet and have patience. And most of all trust in God..that is what got me through it. I miss her so much it physically hurts, but I know we will be together again when my journey here is through. Until then...its one day at a time. Cherish every second Lynne! Take care!

Lynne,

I realize this is now later 2014 and months have past.  I hope you still have each other. I lost my partner of 22 years 6 weeks ago. She was ill for 5 months. I would do anything to have one more day. One more moment with her. 

Enjoy every moment together. Tell her you love her. Rub her back when feeling blue. And look into her eyes.  Remember your happiness.

Jeanne

Dear Lynne,

You must cling to hope for your wife and yourself. And where there is still life there is still hope. Cherish your beloved for every moment you shared in the past and all of those still yet to come. Love is the reason we all exist. Anything else is just existence. I mourn the loss of my spouse now-gone for 8 months but have lovely memories of a 53 year relationship with him, including 3 of marriage, to sustain me. Do not dispair. You have many people who can sympathize and empathize with you. You will not be abandoned and alone.

Steve

I am glad you can  find hope and salvation in the bible and religion. But neither my spouse's nor my faiths would sactify our 53 year partnership of total love and fidelity and 3 years of same sex marriage. So I place no value in any formal "isms. I only am thankfull to my Fate/Destiny/Karma/

Kismet for  giving me my soulmate for more than half a century. I sat next to and held my spouse in the ICU and had to tell him it was okay to let go. He put up a valiant battle to remain with me on earth a short while longer but I had to release him into peace and eternity. It was an experience I will never overcome. We will rest side by side, forever, in a non-denominational cemetery and that is all I wish for. We all must find comfort where and when we can and our own way is the right way. There is no one way. I keep faith but not THE faith.

Lynne, I get where you are coming from. My partner was 15yrs older than me, and had health problems for years. I figured he would pass before me, and tried to anticipate what it would be like. He passed away on January 10th. We would have celebrated 22yrs on July 15th. Unfortunately, it is way more painful than I ever thought it would be. Stay in contact with this group, for the support you will need now and in the future.
Hi Lynne. One of the things I did during our journey with skip and all the. Anger hospitalizations was to reach out to the hospitals palliative care department. Palliative is not hospice and can accompany curative care. They help both of you make reasonable plans and goals and discuss the good and bad and what to expect from things. I work in that field indirectly so months later when skip took the bad turn the palliative team knew us and that helped with the transition. I had the same thing done a few months later when my dad was not doing well. If you need support I can tell you more about it. I also knew that skip would die and began researching ahead of time as odd was making me feel to do that. Hang in there. Scott

Hi Lynne,   I knew that feeling  and nervousness of getting these scans and waiting on results. Before I lost my companion to cancer, I attended a cancer caregiver support session. It was offered by the cancer center Joe was using. It helped because everyone there was dealing with caring for their loved ones no matter what stage(s). There were all kinds of situations and every one's was unique, but most topics were common to all. I think that may help you in these stages. Ask your cancer provider for resources. Peace and Love your way. Gregg  

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