My partner of over 30 years passed away almost 2 months ago. He was 20 years older than me so I always knew that he would possibly pass before me. Yet his death was so sudden it was still a shock. He was a wonderful guy. He was so kind and soft hearted. He was not only my partner but my best friend. I miss him terribly. We loved each other so much. Most days I don't feel like life is worth living anymore. I know that he wouldn't want me to feel this way but I can't help it.

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Thank you David. I want you to know that you have my sympathy also believe me. You are right that knowing you are not alone in grief does help. My friends and family and even my members of my partner Homer's family have been very kind but they don't really know what I am going through. Homer will be gone two months next Monday the 9th. We also met on the 9th. October 9. 1981.It  doesn't seem like it could be two months already since he passed but in some ways it seems much longer. If that makes any sense.

Everyone tells me that I will feel better in time. I suppose they are right. Ido know that it is something I will never get over. I will go on loving Homer for the rest of my life. That will never change.

I am here for you David also. Take care!

 

 
 
David Shipley said:

Darrell:  You have my deepest sympathy.  It's only been 3 weeks since I lost my partner and I know there's a lot more rough roads ahead for me--but knowing I'm not alone in my grief is a tremendous help. 

I'm here if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.  

I lost my partner of 25 years, nine months ago, too his own hand. He was 15 years younger than I. I didn't feel I had time to grieve the first two months. Although I have friends who sympathize, I still feel, I am alone in my grief.

What I miss most are the little "inside jokes" we shared. Sometimes I feel guilty at night, because I haven't thought about Hugh during the day.

We have good days, and we have bad. I can see the good days beginning to out number the bad.

Darrell, I know exactly what you are going through. I have experienced a sudden death of my parter of over 30 years also.  He was my best friend as well as my partner.  I miss him so much. I feel the same way some times.  I am reading a book "I wasn't ready to say goodbye"  It is a great book and helps to get through that we are not going crazy.  It has been six months and I have emotional ambushes all the time.  When I am alone I cry a lot and ask why this had to happen.  He had colon surgery that didn't go well. I just wish I could talk to him to ask if he is OK.

Hi, Darrell,

You have a right to feel any way your heart leads you. That said, however, you are probably right in that he would not want you to end your life because he is gone. I don't know that the shock and grief will ever end, as I'm into year 3 and it is still so fresh to me, and I miss my best friend so much, too. Part of this extended grief is due to the fact that few people recognize my relationship as being "as real" as a heterosexual marriage. We were together for 35 years and that alone should warrant some recognition.

The best you can do is waking up each morning and putting one foot in front of the other. There will be many times when it feels like you're backing up, and this is okay. There will be so many memories that will flood to your mind when you least expect it--passing a display at a store or hearing someone say something just the way your beloved used to. Being with someone for so long naturally causes so many memories and these are all precious!

My wish for you is that you be gentle on yourself and allow all those feelings to come forth as they arise. Holding them back will do you no good. Namaste, Care J

Darrell,

I know how you feel.  I had the same kind of relationship.  We were always together, both retired and living life to the fullest.  We were blessed both our families accepted us and included us in holidays etc.  Ii was married for 18 years when I was younger.  My wife died at 36 of pancreatitis.  Never knew why.  I raised my children, educated them and got them married.  Took care of my aging parents and brain damaged brother.  After they passed, I was alone and then I met Larry online.  We met several months later and were together every  day for 10 years except for short hospital stays for both of us.  I sometimes don't think I can go on without him and dealing with a death in Florida and bringing him back to NJ where we have some rights, has been tough.  Florida doesn't recognize our status and held up the death certificates for over a month.  When they finally arrived yesterday they were wrong and have to be ammended.  They had him as a resident and we were not. I can't probate or do anything till I have the certificates.  It has added more stress to a devestating loss.  Some days I just can't cope and the empty house and lonely nights are hell.  As a member of the clergy people expect me to be strong but I'm not.  I'm very emotional and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and left wide open.  I'm not well myself but pray I will live to get all our affairs in some kind of order so the kids don't have a bigger mess on their hands.  Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.  It is a journey and you have to walk it yourself and at your speed.  I'm comforted by the insites some of you have into the greiving process.  It's a good thing we have each other for support.  Those who haven't walked this walk have no idea.  Blessings my friend,  Rick



Richard Straughn said:

Darrell,

I know how you feel.  I had the same kind of relationship.  We were always together, both retired and living life to the fullest.  We were blessed both our families accepted us and included us in holidays etc.  Ii was married for 18 years when I was younger.  My wife died at 36 of pancreatitis.  Never knew why.  I raised my children, educated them and got them married.  Took care of my aging parents and brain damaged brother.  After they passed, I was alone and then I met Larry online.  We met several months later and were together every  day for 10 years except for short hospital stays for both of us.  I sometimes don't think I can go on without him and dealing with a death in Florida and bringing him back to NJ where we have some rights, has been tough.  Florida doesn't recognize our status and held up the death certificates for over a month.  When they finally arrived yesterday they were wrong and have to be ammended.  They had him as a resident and we were not. I can't probate or do anything till I have the certificates.  It has added more stress to a devestating loss.  Some days I just can't cope and the empty house and lonely nights are hell.  As a member of the clergy people expect me to be strong but I'm not.  I'm very emotional and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and left wide open.  I'm not well myself but pray I will live to get all our affairs in some kind of order so the kids don't have a bigger mess on their hands.  Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.  It is a journey and you have to walk it yourself and at your speed.  I'm comforted by the insites some of you have into the greiving process.  It's a good thing we have each other for support.  Those who haven't walked this walk have no idea.  Blessings my friend,  Rick

Richard:

I am sorry for your loss.  I am additionally sorry for the extra legal difficulties that you are unnecessarily, unfairly and improperly facing.  That makes the unfairness of it all all the worse.

Respectfully,

Chip



Richard Straughn said:

Darrell,

I know how you feel.  I had the same kind of relationship.  We were always together, both retired and living life to the fullest.  We were blessed both our families accepted us and included us in holidays etc.  Ii was married for 18 years when I was younger.  My wife died at 36 of pancreatitis.  Never knew why.  I raised my children, educated them and got them married.  Took care of my aging parents and brain damaged brother.  After they passed, I was alone and then I met Larry online.  We met several months later and were together every  day for 10 years except for short hospital stays for both of us.  I sometimes don't think I can go on without him and dealing with a death in Florida and bringing him back to NJ where we have some rights, has been tough.  Florida doesn't recognize our status and held up the death certificates for over a month.  When they finally arrived yesterday they were wrong and have to be ammended.  They had him as a resident and we were not. I can't probate or do anything till I have the certificates.  It has added more stress to a devestating loss.  Some days I just can't cope and the empty house and lonely nights are hell.  As a member of the clergy people expect me to be strong but I'm not.  I'm very emotional and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and left wide open.  I'm not well myself but pray I will live to get all our affairs in some kind of order so the kids don't have a bigger mess on their hands.  Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.  It is a journey and you have to walk it yourself and at your speed.  I'm comforted by the insites some of you have into the greiving process.  It's a good thing we have each other for support.  Those who haven't walked this walk have no idea.  Blessings my friend,  Rick

Hi Richard,

I want to offer you  my deepest condolonces on the passing of your partner. It seems you have had to deal with so much loss in your life. your partner, wife, parents, and your brother. You say you aren't very strong but you must be to have dealt with all that you have. I am sure that you faith has helped you also. 

My partner of 30 years passed away Feb. 9th. He was the best person I have ever known. Kind. caring, full of life. He also had a great sense of humor and was always ready with a joke.. We loved each other so much. I feel very lucky and honored to have known him and  to have had him in my life.

His death has totally devestated me.  I like you have a hard time dealing with my empty place and I have  never lived alone before so it has been especially hard. The nights and weekends are the most difficult. I really don't know how i have made it through but I  have somehow. As I was telling another member I am hanging on but somehow I feel as if it's only by a thread. Please write me anytime Richard and take care. .Richard Straughn said:

Darrell,

I know how you feel.  I had the same kind of relationship.  We were always together, both retired and living life to the fullest.  We were blessed both our families accepted us and included us in holidays etc.  Ii was married for 18 years when I was younger.  My wife died at 36 of pancreatitis.  Never knew why.  I raised my children, educated them and got them married.  Took care of my aging parents and brain damaged brother.  After they passed, I was alone and then I met Larry online.  We met several months later and were together every  day for 10 years except for short hospital stays for both of us.  I sometimes don't think I can go on without him and dealing with a death in Florida and bringing him back to NJ where we have some rights, has been tough.  Florida doesn't recognize our status and held up the death certificates for over a month.  When they finally arrived yesterday they were wrong and have to be ammended.  They had him as a resident and we were not. I can't probate or do anything till I have the certificates.  It has added more stress to a devestating loss.  Some days I just can't cope and the empty house and lonely nights are hell.  As a member of the clergy people expect me to be strong but I'm not.  I'm very emotional and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and left wide open.  I'm not well myself but pray I will live to get all our affairs in some kind of order so the kids don't have a bigger mess on their hands.  Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.  It is a journey and you have to walk it yourself and at your speed.  I'm comforted by the insites some of you have into the greiving process.  It's a good thing we have each other for support.  Those who haven't walked this walk have no idea.  Blessings my friend,  Rick



Darrell Sours said:

Hi Richard,

I want to offer you  my deepest condolonces on the passing of your partner. It seems you have had to deal with so much loss in your life. your partner, wife, parents, and your brother. You say you aren't very strong but you must be to have dealt with all that you have. I am sure that you faith has helped you also. 

My partner of 30 years passed away Feb. 9th. He was the best person I have ever known. Kind. caring, full of life. He also had a great sense of humor and was always ready with a joke.. We loved each other so much. I feel very lucky and honored to have known him and  to have had him in my life.

His death has totally devestated me.  I like you have a hard time dealing with my empty place and I have  never lived alone before so it has been especially hard. The nights and weekends are the most difficult. I really don't know how i have made it through but I  have somehow. As I was telling another member I am hanging on but somehow I feel as if it's only by a thread. Please write me anytime Richard and take care. .Richard Straughn said:

Darrell,

I know how you feel.  I had the same kind of relationship.  We were always together, both retired and living life to the fullest.  We were blessed both our families accepted us and included us in holidays etc.  Ii was married for 18 years when I was younger.  My wife died at 36 of pancreatitis.  Never knew why.  I raised my children, educated them and got them married.  Took care of my aging parents and brain damaged brother.  After they passed, I was alone and then I met Larry online.  We met several months later and were together every  day for 10 years except for short hospital stays for both of us.  I sometimes don't think I can go on without him and dealing with a death in Florida and bringing him back to NJ where we have some rights, has been tough.  Florida doesn't recognize our status and held up the death certificates for over a month.  When they finally arrived yesterday they were wrong and have to be ammended.  They had him as a resident and we were not. I can't probate or do anything till I have the certificates.  It has added more stress to a devestating loss.  Some days I just can't cope and the empty house and lonely nights are hell.  As a member of the clergy people expect me to be strong but I'm not.  I'm very emotional and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and left wide open.  I'm not well myself but pray I will live to get all our affairs in some kind of order so the kids don't have a bigger mess on their hands.  Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.  It is a journey and you have to walk it yourself and at your speed.  I'm comforted by the insites some of you have into the greiving process.  It's a good thing we have each other for support.  Those who haven't walked this walk have no idea.  Blessings my friend,  Rick

Rick, you are so right.  No one should direct one on the grieving process.  Each takes a toll differently.  My partner died in Sept of last year and I still have many emotional ambushes and I fall apart.  Yes week ends and nights are the hardest because that is when we spent most of our time together going and doing things. We are surviors, our partners died, we did not and we must pull together to make it through this hard times. Yes I feel like I can't cope when I have a breakdown, I beg for God and my partner to help me through all this emotion. Time is what it takes, unfortunately that time can be a long time.  Hold together you are not really losing it, it just feels like you are.  My partner and I were together 34 years. 

Well, Jerry, first my condolences and then my congratulations for your being together for 34 years. My wife and I were together 1 month and 12 days shy of 35 years when she died 3 years ago. It still hurts so much. Your tender words sharing that it will take time were written so profoundly. The pain lessens over time, but the memories will always be there and these are what keep me going. Some days, I don't feel like I can continue on, but here I am and evidently I'm not needed just yet up there in Paradise.


Please do be kind to yourself(ves).

My heart and sympathies go out to you. I too was 20 years younger that my partner. I put myself in deniel of health concerns. I know you love your partner very much and days some seem not to go on, this is why you have this group. And hopefully you have friends whom you can lean on.  I have some friends whom if I had bad days that would be with me in a heart beat. Just go day by day. My prayers are with you.

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