I already know the textbook answer is that "I must save myself."  So for me those text book answers seem so impossible.  in June of 2007 I met Richard - and we were never apart until he passed on 11/5/2015 after 4 mos of stomach cancer.  When I moved to Miami with some money in my pocket and not a clue of what I was going to do with my life.  Then I met Richard and he stopped me from falling.  He caught a very lost person and we began to sail on our ship of life.

He loved and cared for me and made me feel that at least I would be alright and he would be there no matter what.  I worked and contributed and we muddled through life - After he passed away I was unable to keep up with my job and have moved back in with family in another state. Every day I wish and hope it's just a terrible nightmare.  Tomorrow is only 6 mos and I feel just as lost.  When we met I never expected to be saved per se but for a while it felt like I was.  

Now I feel so very very lost.  I am in a state I really don't care to be in.  I lost a job i just couldn't do feeling so depressed and I am also losing the house we loved and cherished.  I have almost no energy to do anything to go forward because what lies ahead isn't really what I want it seems.  

I am desperate for a muse and I fear it will never come. 

Well that's how I feel - 

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Dear Rob,

I do know how you feel, at least in part.  My partner died in 2014.  We had been together 27 years, and now I really don't know how to live anymore.  I have found that I have to start with the little things, and even then, I don't always make it.  I did take time off from work, but I did go back, and that has been a help.  I consider it a victory if I don't fall asleep in my clothes.  If I take a walk, that's a big deal.  Making it through a social occasion is another huge plus.  So my advice is to treat yourself gentle, and make very very simple goals for yourself, but don't beat yourself if you don't met them.  Try very slowly to move back into life.  Also, if you haven't already, you might consider trying to find a therapist and psychiatrist (if you have insurance - if not go to a place like community mental health).  There are times - like these - when both are needed to get you back into life.  You need to do this.  Best of luck on this most difficult path.  Julia

Thank you Julia - 

Hello Robert,

My heart aches for you with what you are feeling...because i know all to well what it's like. I just passed the one year anniversary of the day I lost Larry, after 32 years of him being my savior - the one who kept me from falling so many many times from the day I met him.

How do we go on without the one person who kept us upright, sane, and happy to face the days and years ahead? I swear to you, my friend, that if I knew the answer I would share it with you gladly, and with all our brothers and sisters who are lost as we are and grieving. What I can offer, as meager as it sounds, is my experience that I have had with the friends found made here at Legacy, and the promise to you that  - believe me please - it does indeed get better for us with time. It never stops, and there is no set timetable marking when we turn corners and start to feel less frightened and alone. Just suddenly one day you will realize that you are doing something you have enjoyed in the past with your Richard, but now alone...and yet you feel his loving presence and assurance that it's OK to feel a little happiness once again. Or you look in the mirror as a favorite song plays in the background, and are startled to see a small smile on your face. And so the healing begins - slowly, and haltingly to be sure - but once begun you then see a possible future for yourself, holding new treasured friendships, moments of laughter and peace...and just maybe even, once more, love.

Allow yourself the tears, and the anguish - you have paid a dear price for them - but please also allow yourself something that I have found through the love and support of my family here...hope.

Dear friend, find yourself some peace today, and know that you feel very very alone - more so than seems humanly possible - but here you are never alone - we're all here for you  whenever you reach out and ask for help - WE won't let you fall either.

Love,

Chuck

Thank you!

Hi again Robert.  Hang in there.  You just have to.  Like you, I had to give up a lot of material things that my partner and I had.  We also combined our efforts to make life livable.  But when he passed, I was left literally holding the bill.  So, I had to return, send back and stop payment on things like a brand new vehicle, home furnishings, creature comforts and subscriptions to all the things we both loved.  I felt like I couldn't hold on to anything that was us after Darren passed.  It was so heart wrenching when I had to give something up again.  I'm so sorry though that you had to loose your job.  I continue to live in the apartment we had together and we almost purchased a home together as well.  I'm sure with the financial crunch I was put under after he left, I'm sure I would have lost the house too.  So I send you good vibes for a better day ahead.  I myself don't know when that will happen for me or how but I think we just have to try.  I'm depressed all the time too but I have found that prayer and just simply crying out the pain helps.  Even if it's just to vent the pain for one day.  Darren and I looked forward to probably the same things you and Richard did in life but now you and I are left to continue on our own.  I hate the cliches that I've been given from friends and family.  I know they mean well but my pain seems like it comes from somewhere and on a different level that they will never understand.  "Keep your head up."  "Time is your friend, these feelings will pass."  The one that I'm particularly not fond of and that makes absolutely no sense to me is, "Don't worry, you'll learn to love again."  WHAT?!!!  My problem is not knowing how to love anymore, it's that what I loved so dearly was taken from me.  I'm not sure what that statement means when it's given to me.  I just don't.  Out of all the things that people say to me, I do find one thing they tell me to be true and that's "take it one day at a time."  I hope that makes sense to you Richard.  That's all I'm doing myself.  I was together with my partner for 10 years.  It's seems to have gone by so fast but one thing's for sure, these past 5 months have seemed like an eternity.  Never has time dragged on like it has as of late.  I'm lost like you and like you I don't care about most things anymore but I feel like I have to maintain myself somehow.  I have to do it for my partner.  Because, if it was me that went, I would not want him to self destruct.   So I have to ask myself, is this what Darren would want me to do?  It's a loaded question to something unanswerable but I guess that's what we have to find out.  I guess my life now is what I have to keep going because I'm all that's left of him in this world.  I know he has family but their sorrows are in a different place that I could not understand.  Just like other's don't understand what we are going through with losing a partner, a husband, a best friend.  So please Robert, it's okay to feel down and depressed.  Don't ever let anyone out there tell you how to feel or not to feel, I sure don't.  I just know that I can't let this take me over completely.  I can't see my life in a year or beyond anymore but I think there is still life beyond tomorrow.  I'm taking everything I cherish and love from my partner and I hope it will get me by.  I feel like I'm on a raft in the middle of the ocean sometimes, but I'm hanging on to everything I had with my partner and I trying to push forward.  I hope you can do the same.  So, please take care and try to see the good in things.  You're not alone.  

Thank you Arvin.  Sometimes I think I will be ok.  I appreciate all your words.  

Hi Robert. I'm sorry for your loss and what you've gone through. I just lost my partner of 10 years. I'm 43. I never wanted to imagine my life without him. I feel lost. Sad. I also feel angry at times. I'm just going through the motions to take everything day by day. Just so hard and not fair.

Hi Robert,

As I am new in my loss (21/2 months)  I am not sure how to navigate this site - I may even have replied to you before.  Forgive me.

Wow!  your story is mine too:  not able to work, moving to be with family in another state I don't care for, feeling so very lost and depressed - no energy, and despairing and terrified of what lies ahead.  Everyday I wake up to what I hope is just a nightmare only to realize that this is my new normal - a living hell. 

Unlike me

you have youth on your side, Robert.  You will find meaningful work, and now find someone YOU can save.  I am more or less retired, but not able-bodied due to debilitating strokes (how I wish my body would comply).  When I was younger I used to volunteer at those positions that were meaningful to me, doing what I liked to do and never having to fuss with qualifications and interviews and bothersome stuff like that .I could call the shots---and, they could sample my earnest work ethic; and maybe just maybe I might be a shoe-in when they needed to hire.  it's "applying through the back door"   And even if that does not happen at least you have engaged yourself in the endeavor you love.  Try it, Robert -there's nothing to lose.

Anyway, I just had to put my two cents here.

I know you are desperate I know how it feels.  Hold on,

David

David,

Hi. Somehow I got your message in my email about having trouble navigating this site. I see that you have replied to Robert C. who last posted in May 2016. If you follow this link you find a support group on Facebook that is way easier to keep up with and we have members from all parts of the world. This is a private support group. Please join us there. You will have to get an admin to add you as a member. By the way, Robert C. is on that site, too. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LGBTgriefsupport/ Hope to connect with you there! 

Janet Angelone

Thank you for your kind reply, Janet.

I have joined the support group you suggest, just waiting for "admin" to add me.

Of course I assume you have lost a loved one; I'm new and all thumbs here so I don't know everyone yet.

I lost my love Sept '17 - 2 and 1/2 months ago.  I had been stumbling around desperately searching for someone something to reach out to - completely devastated and lost - no one who has not experienced this could possibly know the personal hell it is - and we should not expect them to.  Still, it leaves us all alone with our grief. That is why this site is such a godsend, people like you and me experiencing more or less the same life trauma - wow, I used to think I had suffered it all in this unyielding world - but this pain is the worst imaginable.  I have been so crazy with it that I even called the Hotlines, something I swore I would never do.  - sorry you replied to me, Janet ? LOL  

Anyway, please feel free to connect with me here.  I promise my reply will not be the heft of a manuscript.

Your friend,

David H

David, 

I just sent you a message through FB. You are definitely not alone. This grief is brutal to say the least. Reach out anytime either here or message me or on the other site. I think you will find that the other site is way more helpful than this one. And if you want to write a manuscript, I promise, I will read ALL of it! 

Janet  

Thank you, Janet,

My need to connect becomes so critical that when I do find a kind person like yourself I open the floodgates and it all flows out.  It's probably normal in this stage of my grief; still, it seems to me that I'm leaning too hard.  In the short time since Dave's passing I've tried to express my grief to people, mostly family, who have not experienced a significant loss.  They have been well-meaning and try, but soon become weary of and become impatient for me to "get over it and move on" with my life.  This has been hurtful to me. So you understand why I'm so hesitant.

I am such a hopeless clod: I still don't understand the FB connection.  I thought I had submitted my request to admin

Thank you again, Janet.  May I consider you my friend.?

David H

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