i don't think i can make it through this

Hello. My name is Brian Brown.. I am only 33 and just lost my husband of only a little over 2 years on April 11.. He had HIV.. We were living in Jersey city to be closer to his mother.. We had done everything by our selves when others said we couldn't.. We came from nothing and created our life that was prefect to us.. He was and still is everything to me.. My soul mate... He started having pains in his left arm so we went to Jersey city medical center.. The did an MRI and said he has a stroke.. During the month that followed he got progressively weaker on his left side.. I had to bath him and what ever else he needed me to do.. Which I didn't mind because it is for better or worse... we then had to move to morris plains with my father because my brother who was living with him and helping him committed suicide... Within a couple days of moving here I had to bring him to morristown medical center because nothing was getting him stronger... At the hospital they did an MRI , spinal tap, brain biopsy and found he had PML in his brain from JC virus.. Not a stroke... He was there for about 3 weeks.. And got to the point where he wasn't able to eat and had to have a feeding tube.. Each week I had to watch my reason for living decline.. Hoping he might be able to come back from it.. All he kept saying was.. I want to go home.. I was so hopeful he would be coming home... But he was taken from me.. He was the most kindest, caring, innocent man you could ever find... We were meant for each other.. And now my entire world is gone.. I feel like I let him down... I held his hand during his passing.. Looking in his eyes a he was gasping for air... His heart stopped and came back 5 times.. He fought so hard.. I don't even remember driving to my dads house from the hospital after... I was with him every day in the hospital... I feel so lost and alone... Since January I lost my brother, my husband, and our home we struggled and fought for.. I just don't know where to go to from here.. He was everything to me

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Permalink Reply by Shane Clements on May 4, 2014 at 6:17pm

Hi Brian

I am so sorry to hear of your soul mates passing. I too lost my best friend of 27 years. Billy passed away a year ago April 4th, he was only 49. It is all so fresh for you right now. I too thought i could never go on. there were many nights of crying myself to sleep. of desperation, sadness and feeling so alone. I had no one to support me and luckily found this site. It has been the hardest year of my life i think. But i am here to tell you, although life will never be the same, time does ease the pain. it could never take it away but it will subside to a livable point. Keep busy. take one day at a time, surround yourself with good friends and a good support network. Never be afraid of asking for help! and know if you ever need to chat Message me here and ill reply as soon as i see your post or message!

Shane

Permalink Reply by Bill Neely on May 4, 2014 at 6:21pm

Brian; deepest sympathies on your loss, I absolutely can understand what you are going through, my partner/husband of 4 yrs passed away this last November from a PE after 4 months in ICU and 3 months on a vent, the irony was we had the HIV under control , and he was on the road to a recovery
These are early days for you, and the loss is devastating. Take time to grieve him deeply, and the loss of your life together. I know it feels like nothing will ever feel right, or whole again. After almost 6 months I get those feelings frequently, but, there are also moments when I catch myself laughing at a friends dumb joke, and life sucks just a little less .
Be kind to yourself, get rest, and stay hydrated, the food thing will come, and the overwhelming grief and sadness will not be so sharp,and , raw.
Many Hugs
Bill

Permalink Reply by Brian Brown on May 4, 2014 at 6:29pm

It's just so unfair.. His viral load was undetectable but T Cells were low.. He was the most innocent guy.. .. I was so hopeful and so was he that he would be getting out of the hospital and a could continue our life.. A were the only ones who understood each other

Permalink Reply by Shane Clements on May 4, 2014 at 6:32pm

Brian

I too felt the exact same way. Billy was the only person I felt understood me and never judged me. But I'm learning there are others who care. Just stay strong my friend and take care of yourself above all else. Time will heal never replace, but will heal!

Love Shane

Permalink Reply by Brian Brown on May 4, 2014 at 6:37pm

Thank you... I hope it does.... I just feel a if I let him down and failed him from his .. As I'm typing thus and reliving the life we had and planned, and the the hospital.. The tears are just pouring down with that constant pain in the middle of my chestpassing

Permalink Reply by Shane Clements on May 4, 2014 at 6:41pm

First of all don't be hard on yourself! You did not fail him! You held his hand until the very end and were with him his entire journey my friend! No one could ask for a better friend, lover or partner! Never second judge yourself or your actions. He was very fortunate to have you, so many people pass with no one beside them. Take time and heal, be patient and I promise you things get better.

Love and hugs

Shane

Permalink Reply by Brian Brown on May 4, 2014 at 6:44pm

Thank you John... PML Is a rare and horrible thing... It happened so fast... Watching my world deteriorate before my eyes... I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy

Permalink Reply by Erick Querci on May 4, 2014 at 6:45pm

Hello Brian. Yes it is extremely unfair. My lover Clark and I took early retirement last year. The day we moved to our country home was the same day I had to call the ambulance to come take Clark to the hospital emergency room. It was his heart. He died 36 hours later and I too was holding his hand. We were together 32 years. We met when he was 22 and I was 24. Now I live in the country all alone. I do not know anyone here and to move back to the city just seems like such a big obstacle. I am afraid I cannot tell you it gets better. It hasn't yet for me and it is almost 11 months since that horrible night. But I know it does eventually get a bit easier to deal with. I lost my mom and dad and older brother to a drunk driver 14 years ago and yes, it did take a long time to deal with things but eventually you start to remember the good times more than you remember the bad. We just have to hold on. Just remember how blessed you were to have known your soulmate and to have loved him. Some people never have that joy of true love.

Permalink Reply by Brian Brown on May 4, 2014 at 6:55pm

Hello Erick... What is also killing me is family too... My sister especially.. She is trekking me... Oh get over it.. Get over it ? .. I just buried my husband 2 weeks ago... She just acts like it's no big deal and I should be just happy and all that... I'm sorry but she has no heart... At first she wanted nothing to do with James.. Not sure if it's cause he was black or not... Kept saying we would never make it on our own... Then she inky came to see him once in the hospital and didn't come after that because she found out he had AIDS .. He was so healthy otherwise.. Was built.. You would never know he had so much going in inside

Permalink Reply by Erick Querci on May 4, 2014 at 7:06pm

I hear you Brian. My neighbor in the city told me, also about 2 weeks after Clark died, "Well, I guess this means you are single again." I wanted to punch his lights out. As if, after 32 years of being in a loving relationship... that would be on my mind after such a short time. But after I calmed down I came to feel sorry for my neighbor. That comment just showed me how little he knows of true love. Other friends have also told me I need to move "forward". As if grieving for a true love has a time limit. I tell them that grieving the loss of a real love is timeless. That moving forward is only their way of telling me not to mention Clark or his passing again because it makes THEM uncomfortable. Well, I will move forward when I am ready and not a minute sooner. And so will you Brian. Let your sister think what she wants. You and only you know the beauty of your relationship with your husband. Never let anyone diminish it or make you feel like it needs to be swept under the rug. Be well, and remember your beautiful husband in all the ways that mean something to you.

Permalink Reply by Brian Brown on May 4, 2014 at 7:13pm

Very well said Erick... I just keep feeling like I let him down and failed him.. With not being able to make him better like a promised him I would.... If you want to txt me instead.. And anyone else on here is fine too.. I'm using this in my phone and it's running slow.. I says txting cause I'm not up for talking on my phone.. Really don't do much talking these days anyway... 201 620 0335

Permalink Reply by Erick Querci on May 4, 2014 at 7:21pm

Hello Brian. That is a very nice offer (thank you) to keep the conversation going via text but unfortunately I am up in northern Ontario, Canada and my texting and calling plan only covers the province of Ontario. I too do not talk much over the phone these days. Being in the country my friends were calling me every day or every other day but now that so many months have passed I only get one or two calls a week from anyone. But please feel free to connect with me here or email me directly at: creativeprocess@me.com I would be happy to chat further.