My boyfriend Augustine died almost two years ago on October 7th, 2014. I was with him since i was 12 years old. I'm 19 now though. He was from Cologne, Germany and his family immigrated here whenever he was little around 8 or 9. We've been friends for a long time, like 4 years but eventually we decided to become boyfriends. I loved Augy more than anything. He got very sick and so i took him to the doctor and he prescribed some stuff and i took care of him, and he seemed to get better. I needed to go get more medicine for him though and so i left him at home alone and i came back and i didnt know anything was wrong until i actually touched him and he was kind of colder than usual but i didnt think much of it because he was sick. But he looked really still too and so i notised that he wasnt breathing and then i found out that he didnt have a pulse either. I didnt really know what to think because i was totally unprepared for this, and it never crossed my mind at the time that he was dead. not until a few minutes later though. 

I know it has been almost 2 years but im still not over it. I miss Augy so much. I cant see him or hear him or feel his warmth or anything. Right after he died i was just so angry and i didnt want to be reminded of how happy i used to be so i got rid of all of the pictures of us together, and i regret that so much because now i want to see me with him because i want to see myself, and i dont really feel like myself anymore because hes not here with me.

I would like to think that hes not really dead and his 'spirit' lives on somewhere in an afterlife, because then i could see him again and i could be with him again. But over time ive just lost that thought because i know its not rational and its just something i wish to happen because im sad. I realise that ill never experience any aspect of him ever again. Never. I hate that im never going to be able to tell him that i love him or that ill never be able to hug him or even just be around him. I dont really know what else to write though.

But it turns out he wasnt really sick, he got poisoned by somebody. that guy's in jail now though. The same guy also raped Augy a few months earlier, which i had no idea about until i heard about it at the court trial and it caught me completely off guard. I mean what the heck, was this guy a pedophile or what? He was like 30 and he raped a 17 year old. anyways, he poisoned Augy because Augy was German and he didnt want 'Nazis' to be around anymore, and i mean Augy did have nazi great-grandparents but they werent mean people, and he didnt share any of those same beliefs himself. He was the nicest person ever and he himself hates what the Nazis did.

And recently i found out that he wrote a letter to me whenever he was dying and he hid it, i guess so i wouldnt find it until later. He basically told me that he knew that he got poisoned, and that he knows that he could have been cured very easily but he just decided to not let anyone know......he said he didnt want to get poisoned or that he knew it was going to happen, but he said whenever he realised he had been poisoned that he could make a choice on whether to be cured or not and he just chose to go with it. he didnt really say why though. Its making me doubt that i was a good boyfriend to him. Its just upsetting me that he knew that and he didnt do anything about it, and he knew this while i was trying to take care of him and make him better, and i guess he fooled the doctor too or something because the doctor didnt detect anything and prescribed medicine for a stomach virus.

Ive had two relationships after Augy died, one kind of failed and it was an online thing because i was desperate kind of, and my current boyfriend is really nice and all but its not the same. my current boyfriend's name is Roy and he makes me feel better sometimes

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Christian,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Augy,

Trust me when I tell you that it does get better.  It will not go away and from what you are saying you don't want your memories with him to go away.  You can keep those and I'm sure he has them too.  I'm certainly no authority as I just joined recently.  My husband died a year before Augy and that was in October 9th of 2013.  I realize that grief and love have no calendar.  

Also one of the things that I have been working through is separating my thoughts; such as love for Skip, my anger (which is totally valid), and the memories of the trauma that led up to his death.  Oh and I left out guilt as "what if I had done this or that".  Remember what you said... YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF HIM as I was with Skip.  Also remember.  You were a kid!  There was probably nothing that could have been done.

You are not alone.  Please let us know how you are doing.  Hang in there.

Scott

i was really rushed earlier so i forgot to add some details.....so i did it now. btw i have pictures of Augy on my profile....he was really cute

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