I lost my partner of 25 years suddenly just over 6 months ago (18 July 2013) and people keep saying I should go to counselling sessions but I honestly really don’t feel I need to as I grieve in my own way.
I don’t know if this is part of the grieving process and I’m somehow in denial, I miss Kilian and love him dearly, I’m 52 so we were together for half my life but we had a fantastic 25 years and when I feel down I think of the good times we had even though I do cry sometimes knowing we’ll not have those times again.
I’ve read horror stories on here about the things their partner’s family did but I have been extremely lucky.
Kilian had no family here in Australia they are all in Ireland, one of his brothers and his wife came out for the funeral and cremation, as I had discussed with Kilian that when the day came he should be buried in his hometown in Ireland. His brother took Kilian’s ashes back to Ireland and I have some here are home.
His family have been very good to me and say I’m considered family and I am attending Kilian’s nieces wedding in Ireland in August this year, but my main reason is to visit his grave and this will be hard as I doubt I’ll ever be back there, but as I have some ashes here I find that great comfort and It would have been every hard if that was not the case.
I do find the evenings and weekends the hardest as we did everything together, I’ve dealt with Kilian’s death 99% of the time alone and when I tell people this they say I really should get support but as I said before I don’t think I need to and I’ll deal with it in my own way or am I denying myself something ?.
I also had many friends who were pushing me to seek out counseling. I just don't really work that way. I compromised with them and posted my story here. Just putting it out there into the world was a help. 21 months later there are still many things I just can't seem to be ready to face. I find myself talking more to strangers about things than friends. Maybe because all my friends have heard all the stories and I don't want to tell them again and again to the same people. I guess this is my own therapy session. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or what you should do. At least not as long as you are still getting up every day and making your way through life. It's your path. Your choice.
I swear you could have written my story. I too am 52 and lost my partner of 24 yrs in Oct. 2013. He was perfectly fine one moment and the next he was lying on the floor struggling for a breath. I witnessed it all and am consumed with that vision. What followed was a brain surgery, and by all indications things were going well, till he had another episode which again I witnessed. I along with Bill's daughters made the decision to take him off life support.
I know exactly what you mean by living half your life with the one you love. I am so extremely lonely and while friends try to be there, it's just impossiblle for them to be there all of the time. I went to a bereavement group intially which I found helpful. Unfortuantely it only met once a month. So I then started seeing a therapist, which helped but was really not my cup of tea. So to answer your question, do what feels right for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a very personal path that we all must follow. Don't feel pressured into doing something that is not right for you.
Bill and I visited Ireland in the summer of 2009 and was absoutely one of our most enjoyable vacations. The people are all so friendly and the country is beautiful. Enjoy your time there and I hope you find peace in being with your loving Killian.
I am writing to you from Dallas, TX, and we are so extremely fortunate to have the largest LBGT church in the world here. www.cathedralofhope.com if you find yourself alone, as I do you may find comfort in visiting their website. Again, it's personal, so don't feel pressured. Do what's best for you.
One last website you may find helpful: www.outoftheashes.com
I wish you well, my friend,
Hello there Des. I just joined this site so my reply to your message is a bit long in coming but I am sure you are still dealing with a lot of the same emotions.
My beautiful Clark died on July 7, 2013 so we have been dealing with this, you and I, for about the same time. Clark and I had been together for 32 years. He had just retired (early)and since I work at home on a computer, we decided to move to the country into our retirement cottage by the lake. We were only there one evening and at 1:30 in the morning he had to be rushed to hospital due to a heart attack. Less than 36 hours later I had to make the awful decision to let him die. It is 10 months and 2 weeks later and I still am a wreck.
Family and friends say I should move back to the city but we had promised each other that this was going to be our retirement home. A home we would share for our "golden" years. He was only 54. We met when he was 22. Yes, I have been very depressed and grief stricken and many friends say I should seek counselling but, really, how is that going to change anything? I think we need to feel our pain. Society today wants everything to be fast, fast, fast. I say, each case is different and if you need that extra time to grieve, then take it.
My nights and weekends are worst too. Here in the country there is not much to do and the closest city is 2 hours away. Yes, it has been very hard, but Clark was such a good person in so many ways. Why should it be easy to move forward? Losing someone special should never be easy.
My neighbour in the city sent me a card when he heard about Clark's passing and said "Hey, I guess this means you are single again." What an utterly stupid thing to say to someone just as they have lost their most intimate friend, lover, soulmate. At first I felt angry and wanted to punch the fellow in the face and then, after thinking about it, I just felt really, really sorry for him. He obviously never loved someone with the enormity that you and I have. We were the lucky ones to have loved (and still love) our very special men.
Take good care of yourself. You are not alone in this horrible test of strength. I hope you are coping as best you can.