Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Bill Neely on February 4, 2014 at 7:19pm

Des, its been just over 2 months for me, and I have found there is no right or wrong way to get through this life. Grief is very personal, and how you deal with it is totally up to you. The support of a community that gets your loss is a huge help. The best advise I have been given so far is with grief and mourning, you cant avoid it, and you just work through it at your own pace.
Deepest sympathies on your loss my friend.
Bill

Permalink Reply by Michael Reikowsky on February 4, 2014 at 7:26pm

I tried counseling after I lost Danny to colon cancer in October 2012. I went to two different groups.

One was all women that had lost their elderly parents... We just didn't have anything in common. Sorry, but losing your 93-yr old mother is a lot different from losing your soulmate. Both are painful... But one is part of the cycle of life and we all eventually have to deal with it...

The other group I went to was church-sponsored and half way through the meeting I was asked to leave and find somewhere else to express my grief. I was hurt and now publicly humiliated. I wish I had had the strength to fight back but I just wanted to curl up and cry.

So I searched online and found this site. I've made a couple friends... Been able to vent some to people that I know "get me" and that helped a little. There are a lot if us out there hurting...

On va side note... I try to get more involved in LGBT issues, Danny would like that. We were very closeted because of his work (military). I support marriage equality even though down deep... My heart us telling me "so what, it's too late fir you" but my brain is telling me "help those that still have a future..."

And it helps to help others :-)

Be strong, do what works for you, and don't worry about what others may be telling you is "normal" grieving. There is no "normal"

Permalink Reply by Jerry Matheny on February 5, 2014 at 11:50am

I also had many friends who were pushing me to seek out counseling.  I just don't really work that way.  I compromised with them and posted my story here.  Just putting it out there into the world was a help.  21 months later there are still many things I just can't seem to be ready to face.  I find myself talking more to strangers about things than friends.  Maybe because all my friends have heard all the stories and I don't want to tell them again and again to the same people.  I guess this is my own therapy session.  Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or what you should do.  At least not as long as you are still getting up every day and making your way through life.  It's your path.  Your choice.

Permalink Reply by Robert Stewart on February 24, 2014 at 9:30am

Des,

I swear you could have written my story. I too am 52 and lost my partner of 24 yrs in Oct. 2013. He was perfectly fine one moment and the next he was lying on the floor struggling for a breath. I witnessed it all and am consumed with that vision. What followed was a brain surgery, and by all indications things were going well, till he had another episode which again I witnessed. I along with Bill's daughters made the decision to take him off life support.

I know exactly what you mean by living half your life with the one you love. I am so extremely lonely and while friends try to be there, it's just impossiblle for them to be there all of the time. I went to a bereavement group intially which I found helpful. Unfortuantely it only met once a month. So I then started seeing a therapist, which helped but was really not my cup of tea. So to answer your question, do what feels right for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a very personal path that we all must  follow. Don't feel pressured into doing something that is not right for you.

Bill and I visited Ireland in the summer of 2009 and was absoutely one of our most enjoyable vacations. The people are all so friendly and the country is beautiful. Enjoy your time there and I hope you find peace in being with your loving Killian.

I am writing to you from Dallas, TX, and we are so extremely fortunate to have the largest LBGT church in the world here. www.cathedralofhope.com if you find yourself alone, as I do you may find comfort in visiting their website. Again, it's personal, so don't feel pressured. Do what's best for you.

One last website you may find helpful: www.outoftheashes.com

I wish you well, my friend,

Bob

 

Permalink Reply by Erick Querci on April 30, 2014 at 12:23am

Hello there Des. I just joined this site so my reply to your message is a bit long in coming but I am sure you are still dealing with a lot of the same emotions.

My beautiful Clark died on July 7, 2013 so we have been dealing with this, you and I, for about the same time. Clark and I had been together for 32 years. He had just retired (early)and since I work at home on a computer, we decided to move to the country into our retirement cottage by the lake. We were only there one evening and at 1:30 in the morning he had to be rushed to hospital due to a heart attack. Less than 36 hours later I had to make the awful decision to let him die. It is 10 months and 2 weeks later and I still am a wreck.

Family and friends say I should move back to the city but we had promised each other that this was going to be our retirement home. A home we would share for our "golden" years. He was only 54. We met when he was 22. Yes, I have been very depressed and grief stricken and many friends say I should seek counselling but, really, how is that going to change anything? I think we need to feel our pain. Society today wants everything to be fast, fast, fast. I say, each case is different and if you need that extra time to grieve, then take it. 

My nights and weekends are worst too. Here in the country there is not much to do and the closest city is 2 hours away. Yes, it has been very hard, but Clark was such a good person in so many ways. Why should it be easy to move forward? Losing someone special should never be easy.  

My neighbour in the city sent me a card when he heard about Clark's passing and said "Hey, I guess this means you are single again." What an utterly stupid thing to say to someone just as they have lost their most intimate friend, lover, soulmate. At first I felt angry and wanted to punch the fellow in the face and then, after thinking about it, I just felt really, really sorry for him. He obviously never loved someone with the enormity that you and I have. We were the lucky ones to have loved (and still love) our very special men.  

Take good care of yourself. You are not alone in this horrible test of strength. I hope you are coping as best you can.