Lost and alone

My name is Wayne and I lost Juan, my partner of 12 years 6 weeks ago. Juan had been ill since March and during many visits he made to the medical center and being prescribed various tablets, his condition worsened. He was finally sent to the University College Hospital in London where after being there for a month, his condition deteriorated so much and watching my Juan go from being a strong and independent man to being so vulnerable was soul destroying. The consultant diagnosed Juan with brain disease, told us that it was a terminal condition and that there was nothing more they could do apart from manage his care. Juan accepted the news and was more concerned about me and how I was going to cope without him.

Juan was originally from Spain and it was his wish to have one last holiday together and visit his family back in Spain. After 5 weeks of looking after Juan his condition deteriorated so much that he was basically bed ridden and was admitted to hospital and sadly died a week later.

When we were first told his condition was terminal, I tried to prepare myself for what was inevitable but there was always that slight glimmer of hope that the doctors had it wrong and that he was going to make some kind of miraculous recovery but sadly there wasn't and I have since returned to Guernsey and feel so lost. Juan was my best friend, soul mate, lover and my everything and my world has been torn apart.

I have friends and family here in Guernsey but because Guernsey is a small island and quite isolated in some ways, nobody seems to be able to understand what I am feeling or what I am going through and I found this site to find some support and hopefully be of some kind of support to others.

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Permalink Reply by Michael Reda on November 13, 2014 at 10:58am

Hi Wayne, I am so sorry for your loss. The picture you included is beautiful. You two looked very happy together. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but that is probably unlikely. However, I can tell you that I have been there, and I can relate. And I can also tell you that, while it will always hurt, and some part of you will always be grieving, that in time, I have found, that it does get easier to bear. Life does go on, even though sometimes I've wished that it didn't.

I lost my partner, Jim, on June 18, 2012. I woke up on a Monday morning and found that he had never made it out of the house; I found him slumped in his desk chair in our home office...he had been drinking coffee and streaming an online comedy program he listened to before work each morning. He had experienced what his cardiologist told me was "sudden cardiac death." No heart attack...his heart just stopped and he was dead within seconds. He had been there for at least 2 hours by the time I found him, but still I performed CPR and did everything I could. This happened 2 weeks before our 11th anniversary together, and 1 week before my 37th birthday. It was awful. I had also lost my mother 10 months before.

I've survived, and so can you. It was important to me to force myself to be around friends and to get out of the house, even when I didn't want to. I had to make sure I took care of myself (eat well, drink water, take some exercise outside every day...even just a walk). Looking back now, the first year to year and a half was a daze. Even though at some point I felt like I could think clearly and make decisions, I realize now that I was still in shock. I think I'm just now finally coming out of it...after 2 years have passed.

I found a grief support group at a hospital in the town I soon moved to...it was free, and very helpful at the time. Also, I did not allow myself to drink or smoke marijuana (which is something I did after my mother died). This, I think, really helped me to process my grief instead of escape from it.

I'm happy to chat anytime you need. Feel free to message me. I will send you a friend request on here, and I'm happy to share my personal email and/or phone number in a private message with you.

Hang in there, and just get through one day at a time. Try not to worry about the future, just take care of yourself for today.

--Mike

Permalink Reply by Eric Furan on November 23, 2014 at 10:09pm

Hi Wayne,

Reading your story took me back five and a half months to when my partner Patrik died. Like Juan, Patrik passed away after months of sickness and numerous hospital stays. I understand completely what it's like to watch your loved one slowly turn from healthy and handsome to a shadow of their former self. Because he was sick for so long I thought that I would somehow be more prepared when he did pass. But like you I always had the glimmer of hope that the tide would miraculously turn and he would get better. When I received the phone call telling me he was gone, I realized that I wasn't prepared at all.

Now five months later I have taken care of closing out the estate, boxed up all his clothes and donated them, sent off the family heirlooms to his brother, sold his car - in short, all of the required activities that needed to be handled. I make the rounds with my friends, and enjoy myself when I'm with them. I weight train every other day which I alternate with kickboxing classes, and I try hard to be a good employee. In short, I am doing everything I should be doing for Patrik's memory and for my day to day well being, and on the surface it looks pretty good - in fact people comment on how well I'm doing, but behind the scenes it's still pretty crappy. The house is empty and my mind won't stop replaying everything that happened over and over, and I feel lonelier than I have ever felt in my life. Still, things are....somewhat...."better", if it's possible to use the word "better" in this context.

The fact is that we have lost the people that meant the most to us in this life, and it is going to take a very long time to mourn their passing and then at some point to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives. I for one, try not to think too far ahead right now. Rather, I concentrate on trying to make it through the day at hand.....and I try to be gentle with myself, and not expect too much too fast - there is time.

I am thinking of you and what you are going through and wish you well. Take care of yourself and over time, try to build the best life for yourself that you can. That is what Juan would want for you, and is the best way to honor his memory.

Permalink Reply by laurent bader on January 7, 2015 at 8:43pm

I am going to the same story. My future husband (Wane) after 14 years together passed last week, after two weeks at the hospital. We first were admitted for fatigue and strange tremors. After 4 days he crashed and had a heart attack. 15 days in ICU and I had to let the life support go as per his wishes. He "divorced" his family 2 years ago. I must while at the hospital I was in charge, they hated it. As soon as he passed they took control, made arrangements against his will and forbid me to go to the ceremony. Then lied about me and blamed me for his death. We lived together 24/7, he was a house husband, I worked from home. He had each other, he was m other half. Like you my family is away back in France, and the few friends we had are scattered around the country and the world. I do feel alone as well. YET my biggest concern is how do I go on without sharing every minute with my beloved. Life seems worthless without him. I was told it is a process, I'd rather have gone with him. I truly feel your pain. Laurent

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