I was with Brad, who was 33 years younger, for just two years and I lost him last Saturday night; he was just 35.  We had come home from visiting friends and I was tired and went right to bed.  Brad said he wanted to take a dip in the pool, but he'd be in shortly.  I woke up 2 hours later, the light was on but Brad was not in bed.  I had a terrible sense of foreboding, went out to the lanai, and found him face down at the bottom of our pool.  I pulled him out, called 911, and tried to resuscitate him, but he was too far gone.  I don't think I'll ever be able to get that image out of my mind, him lying at the bottom of the pool.  He had started taking some prescription drugs for anxiety and another muscle relaxer (he had fallen off  a roof a few years ago and suffered occasionally from cramping) that he hadn't taken for quite awhile.  He only had one glass of wine, so we really don't know what happened.  The autopsy listed the death as undetermined and it will take 90 days before we get the toxicology report.  I keep beating myself up, thinking there must be something I could have done to prevent this tragedy, but everyone assures me that I need to stop this.  I had to get out of the house so traveled north to visit my mother,  I don't feel now like I'll ever be able to return.  I have never experienced pain like this - I think it's due to the nature of his death and my discovery of it.  All I know is that he loved me and I loved him very much, and I don't think I'll ever fully recover from this.  I think I'll need to seek out a good grief counselor when I return to Florida, but thought I'd sign onto this site just to be able to communicate with others who may be suffering similar losses.  I don't seem to be able to focus on anything else.

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How kind you are and I think that your quote from my all-time favorite gay-themed movie tells me that I was meant to hear this.  I need to know your story (should have looked first, I guess) but it does give me hope that you seem to be recovering from your own personal loss.  I know that these first few days, weeks, months, (maybe even years!) will be the hardest but I am getting lots of support from my friends and family so I think I'll survive.  I am tearfully thankful for your reply.  Your Spanish reminds me that Brad and I were supposed to take a cruise out of Barcelona in October - I need to cancel.  I am tearfully thankful for your reply...Roy

Blaine William Andrews said:

Caro Roy! (Dearest Roy)

What a horrific and tragic loss! Even an inexplicable accident can be both bewildering and seem so grossly unfair! And I hurt for you to think that you blame yourself or feel culpable in any way, but I understand this to be within our nature as human beings!I know this might seem terribly facile to rely on a line from a movie, but I cannot help thinking what actor "Erik Palladino" as "Christian" ask of "Jacqueline Bissets" character in the 2004 movie "Latter Days"! When Christian believes that he is somehow responsible for his loves death! I'll with your permission paraphrase "Bissetes" line "Guilt distracts us from a greater truth....We human beings have an enormous capacity to heal"......"But how"........"Practice"! This of coarse could not possible of itself assuage your grief! In time though, I know you will come to recall as have I that life can be breathtakingly beautiful!

Con L'Amore e Molti Baci!

Il Suo Nuovo Amico Per Sempre!

Blaine

 

Sorry, I thought it was Spanish - foolish me!  Had to set up a google e-mail account to access your YT channel - finally mastered that!  I'll have fun reviewing everything you have out there.  Thanks so much - it's keeping my mind busy which is exactly what I need right now...Roy

How kind you are.  Is there a reason for the Italian niceties?  They are very sweet but I don't understand your connection with the language, unless you're simply an Italophile (is that a word?)  Anyway, my time spent here has really helped take my mind off the horrible things that keep torturing me, so I thank you.

 

How kind you are.  Is there a reason for the Italian niceties?  They are very sweet but I don't understand your connection with the language, unless you're simply an Italophile (is that a word?)  Anyway, my time spent here has really helped take my mind off the horrible things that keep torturing me, so I thank you.

 

I think that whoever coined the term "homosexual" did us a great disservice. With our puritanical background, it puts everyone's focus on the "sex" aspect of our relationships. A better term might have been "homoamorous" or something like that, focusing on the love we have for each other. Perhaps then our straight friends and family would realize that our loss is no different from that of a husband for his wife, or a wife for her husband. We have lost so much more than a sex partner and they need to understand this in order to comprehend our pain.
Blaine, have you read the Conversations with God books by Neale Donald Walsch? I'm not into organized religion but his books have resonated with me and I think I need to get a couple of them out and re-read them. His is a God I would like to know/be...Roy


Kim said:
My heart goes out to you. You've suffered a terrible and tragic loss. I have no magic words to make it better. I can only say please be kind to yourself. Remember the love...it's what I try to do when the grief threatens to drown me.
Take care.
Thanks for the kind words, Kim.  This is such a roller coaster ride we're on - feeling ok (more like numb) one minute and then feeling the terible loss the next.  Friends do help, but they can't really feel the depth of the pain we are experiencing and it's so hard to respond to their attempts at trying to make us feel better.  I'm trying to stay busy getting my house ready to sell, which will not be easy in this down market, but I just can't stay here - every time I go out to the lanai and see the pool, the whole nightmare floods over me again.  On 9/17, we're having a small memorial service (just 20 of our closest friends) at the beach we always went to and we'll float Brad's ashes out to sea - I'm hoping it will bring some kind of closure for me, even if it's only temporary.  I don't know your story but it is somewhat comforting to know that you and others on this site know what I'm going through and we really can feel each other's pain and offer our heartfelt sympathy.  I now know what it means to have a "broken heart."  Thanks again for reaching out to me and know that I am here for you also. 
Yes, that website has helped me tremendously.  It gives me something positive to do each day to deal with my grief and I recommend it highly to everyone. I got to meet Brad's mother a couple of days ago and she was so kind to me, almost more concerned about my well-being than her own.  Brad had never wanted her to know about our relationship, but she knew anyway and didn't care. He was so afraid of his family and friends from up north finding out, but guess what - they all knew, or suspected, anyway and it didn't matter to them.  They have all been very supportive towards me, and I think he would have been so much happier if he had been honest with them.  Tomorrow is our little memorial service and I am both looking forward to it, to hopefully find some small closure, and at the same time, dreading it, because I'm afraid I'll break down in front of everyone.  But I guess if I do, they will better understand my feelings and what a terrible blow this has been for me.  Maybe then they'll stop telling me to "be strong," or "time to get on with your life."  What is my life now but feeling alone and lonely, and I expect that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life.  I'm moving forward with the plans for the new house and hope to have my current home on the market next week.  Hopefully it will sell quickly and I won't take too much of a beating.  Thanks again for caring, and by all means encourage everyone to take advantage of the daily exercises from Anderson-McQueen's website...Roy

Jeanne M Croghan said:
Hi Roy, that is an awesome website you posted. I think of you daily. Please keepin touch. Hugs, Jeanne
I think you'll enjoy them, especially the original CWG volumes 1-3 - let me know what you think.

Blaine William Andrews said:

Roy Bello! I'm so sorry for the late reply, and I haven't until you mentioned them heard of the works of "Neale Donald Walsch" but I'll be looking into them "Pronto"!

Blaine

 

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