Missing Darrell my partner of 20 years.

No one can prepare for this kind of loss. Darrell was 20 years older than me. I knew this day would come, but not this soon. When we started out together, the most commented thing in the news was that gays do not have long lasting relationships. So that is why in his obituary I made sure it stated that we had been together for 20 years. Even now trying to write this I am having a hard time, not crying. We had so much in common. We both were married, and have children from those marrages. Darrell has a daughter and a son, from both of them Darrell has 9 grandchildren. I have two sons, not married yet. Darrell's family have supported us both and have took me in as an in-law. Both of us have been on Mormon Missions. In 2009 Darrell almost died, having four heart failures while trying to get in the emergency room. Could not get a bypass because he had high sugar levels. I took control of his diabetes. Got it under control. In July of 2009 he had to be hospitalized again. This time gal bladder problems. Then in November Darrell finally had his bypass. Bounced out of his surgery like a 40 year old. In January 30,2012. He was again in the hospital for pneumonia. There for 39 days, and then in a rehabe center for 30 days. In which he got to go home. Setting up Home Health services, but as getting all things together. I had looked at Darrell at 2 a.m. he was breathing fine, so I went to lay down to rest. Woke up at 6 a.m. and found him cold and clammy. I put on his oxy meter and a pulse just barely. As I was trained by the hospital, I got the breathing bulb to pump air into him. When I got him breathing again. Called 911. Again to the hospital. Things grew worse, The Doctor had me call his daughter and son since they lived far away. When they arrived saturday April 28th, we decided together to take Darrell off life support. Was at his head when he opened his eyes, and a tear ran down his check. Then he closed them and that is when he passed. At this time of grief I tried to reach out to my side of my family, the closest my mother said to me was that she had friends pass and she understood. But how could she. If when she losses a spouse she will understand, that seemed like a slap in the face. I have Darrell's family they still have contact with me and am very supportive.

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Permalink Reply by Richard Straughn on August 15, 2012 at 7:03pm

Curtis,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how and what you are feeling. I was with Larry 10 yrs and he was in and out of the hospital many times with heart, lung, diabetes but died of MDS which his pre conditions made him a poor candidate for treatment. It's not the way I expected to lose him but at least I was with him and held him as he passed. He died at the very hour his family in NJ was burying his brother who died 5 days prior. I have always been close to his family and it broke my heart to call them as they returned home from the cemetery to tell them Larry was gone. I was supported by my family and his through all of this. We were blessed to have their love and approval. I was widowed very young and have a married son and married daughter, grand children and great grand child. They always accepted us as their Dads, Pop Pops, etc.

I am glad you have the support of Darrell's family. I wish you the best on this journey. Don't be afraid to reach out, we have and are still going through this terrible lonely journey. Best wishes and my prayers for your peace and solace. Rick

Permalink Reply by Christopher Ruggles on August 15, 2012 at 9:36pm

In my experience over the past year, never hold back the tears. Let them come and let them run their course. If you have to excuse yourself from a room full of people, do so.

"I understand" is one of those blanket responses that people give when they really don't understand. It's not their fault, they've usually just never experienced that particular type of grief and obviously don't know how to deal with it. And as I've said in the past, every grief path is different.

Remember too, no can help us unless we tell them exactly how we feel.

Permalink Reply by Richard Straughn on August 15, 2012 at 9:49pm

I agree with Christopher. I've had to leave a room or meeting to just let it out. Crying is a release. If I couldn't cry I think I would burst. I was lucky to find a bereavement group for GLBT and went last night. We all had a good cry together. I finally found people who really "understood".

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