Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christopher Ruggles on December 7, 2012 at 12:24am

Marlon,  I'm so sorry you feel like you're stuck.  It sounds like you had a very special relationship.  A lot of people I talk to, and myself at times, feel stuck.  Losing a spouse is certainly never easy, and there is definitely no manual for us to help us heal and continue to live life.  I truly wish there were!  If you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a message.

Permalink Reply by Marlon Frederick on December 7, 2012 at 12:29am

I do appreciate it Christopher. I've spent the last 7 years in utter hurt and don't know how to break away from it. They say it gets easier with time but for me it got harder.

Permalink Reply by Paul Bowers on December 7, 2012 at 12:40am

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I just recently lost my partner of 23 years this past September. It is not easy to move forward at times. I am not at the point where I want to actively seek out others for outings and so forth. Right now I am living in the house we shared together, and I am comforted by being surrounded by so many things that Mike and I both loved. I have been attending grief classes and they do indeed help. If you haven't done so already, please look into it. It sounds like you are going through complicated grief and you may need a professional to help you move forward.

When our loved ones die, while they are no longer physically with us here on earth, I want to desperately believe they are with us in spirit. At times, this is the only thing that keeps me going. You are still a very young person with a lot of living and loving left to do. It's true that your partner would want you to continue living and pursuing happiness, so make the effort. It's worth it. I'm 51 now and at least I was fortunate enough to find real love once.Will it happen again?. Who knows, but I keep pushing forward when there are times I could stay in bed all day. This is a hard and lonely journey, and it's not easy. I get irritated with well meaning people who say "It's time to move on" or some other equally ridiculous expression.

Take the time you need to get better, but remember that all of us will eventually go down the same road our loved ones did. I choose to have faith that we will eventually be reunited again. You are not alone. I understand, and offer a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen should you ever need it.

Paul

Permalink Reply by Marlon Frederick on December 7, 2012 at 12:54am

Thank you so much for the kind words Paul. And I an also sorry for your loss. 23 years is quite a long time, almost all the years I've been alive. Time will tell how things will go.

Before I joined this site, I spent the past hour crying. It's tough as I'm sure you know. It's always good to have people who've been in the creek you are in to understand the level of hurt and pain.

I haven't sorted after any professional help...you'd think I would after this long. I've carried this weight with me for the past 7 years. I think I need to though.

Marlon

Permalink Reply by Elton Young on December 8, 2012 at 10:16am

I want to offer my condolances for your loss Marlon.  This past August, I lost my partner, Shane of 36 years and I am not looking forward to this Christmas season.  This past Thursday, I attended a service at the funeral home.  They put on a service every year for those who have passed in the last year.  You place a flower in a vase for your loved one and you receive an angel with your loved one's name on it.  One of the guest speakers, the minister who did Shane's service talked about the journey of grief and compared it to when you have a flash light and are walking in the dark.  The light just shows you your next few steps, but not the end of your destination.

 

Some of my days are ok, and others are simply devastating for me.  When Shane was sick for the 4 1/2 months, we knew the outcome would not be good and the thought of his leaving seemed more than I could handle, but 2 days before he passed this same minister came to see me and talked to me about the journey we were going through.  She said to me that there would be a point that I could go no further with him and that he would need to continue on his own.  When I feel sad and lonely , I recall that and understand that in my journey I am only seeing the next few steps ahead.  Everyone's journey is different.

 

I take one day at a time, some days seem ok while others seem so hard, but in spite of that my focus is where I am today , rather that where I want to be in the future.

 

I hope this will help a little Marlon.

Permalink Reply by Jerry Matheny on December 17, 2012 at 9:07pm

This will be my first Christmas without Rob.  My family pushed for me to come there for the holidays.  I personally would rather stay curled up in a ball on my couch crying for a solid week, but I also realize that isn't what is best for me.  I feel for you, deeply.   All I can offer is that anyone who loves always wants the best for the person they love.  He would want you to be happy.  It is my debt to him for the love he had for me, that I should work to find the strength to be happy again.