Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael Reda on April 27, 2017 at 9:42am

Hi Harry. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my partner, Jim, very suddenly in 2012. I can't believe it will soon be 5 years without him. He died only 2 weeks before our 11th anniversary. I can tell you that it will get easier to bear. Be good to yourself.

Permalink Reply by H43 on April 27, 2017 at 9:54am

Thanks Michael. I appreciate that. I never imagined I would have to live my life without him. So unfair. I started therapy this week. Where are you from?

Permalink Reply by Scott G. on April 27, 2017 at 11:05am

Hi Harry,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  As many have told you it does get better.  There is nothing that you are feeling that is wrong, even the weirdest or most practical things where you can feel anything from sadness, loneliness or anger.  I will say that after a period of time I found myself laughing at the goofy and frustrating things that Skip used to do.  He would tell me that he was responsible for every grey hair on my head and he was!!!  I will say this that he left me a better man and a better future husband than he first found.  He developed that in me and that is a good thing.  After 3 1/2 years I have begun a new relationship and I know that Skip would have really enjoyed Dann and I know I have his blessing.  I out off my grief for 2 years and did seek counseling and that helped.  I still feel the loss and the anger at the Doctors sometimes but it is in better perspective and the wounds are not as deep.  Feel everything and don't be afraid and reach out to others.  Talk about him and how it effects you as much as you want.  You are doing nothing wrong in this process.  Hang in there.  Scott

Permalink Reply by H43 on April 27, 2017 at 11:13am

Thanks Scott and for sharing. I never wanted to imagine my life alone - without Patrick. I'm glad you've found someone as well as happiness. I'm just fearful that I will be alone forever - I'm so sad that Patrick is gone - and even mad at times.

Permalink Reply by Scott G. on April 27, 2017 at 5:03pm

Hi Harry, I know what you mean. For the longest time after I was widowed I had no interest in dating as well. In fact I had to deal with teh grief which I had really put off.... and I do not think there wa sa particular day when it ended. There is a funny thing about the process that I will share with you. Until a couple weeks ago i was still wearing my wedding ring. In fact Dann and I talked about it. What an odd catch I must be, a 52 year old gay widower with some new disabilities who wears his wedding ring still and whose 79 year old mother (since taking care of my father who died after Skip) also lives with me. Well we both talked about it. I would not want to be with someone who also did not look at the big picture of life and death and knowing that you sometime have to SUIT UP and be in it for teh tough times for better and worse. I'm not sure if I would have thought much about it before being married and widowed (whether we are legally married or not). I even put a lot of that in my match.com profile. In the end I think that a new person in our lives needs to see the place that our late husbands held. It is not like in other relationships where we are divorced and can hate the ex together right. Plus I have both Skip's and my Dad's urns in teh living room but that is another story.

For you having lived and loved Patrick is part of you and a GOOD part and having been with him has made part of you and that is the gift that you can bring to another relationship when you are ready. For the longest time I felt like I would have been cheating on Skip even just fr having sexual thoughts much less intimacy. The truth is that when someone knows that they are dying I think they worry most about us. Skip said to me a few days before he dies "What will happen to you?" Of course I stiffened up and let him know that I would be OK. I was not OK for a long time but it was all normal. Bow I also know that I would not want to be with someone who would not want to look after my mother too. We are all part of a package and of our past and I imagine that you can think of many areas where you are better for having loved and cared for Patrick. We are all there for you. Keep hanging on, Scott

Permalink Reply by H43 on April 27, 2017 at 5:10pm

Scott you are an amazing person. Everything you've gone through. And I'm glad to hear about your new relationship. I wear Patrick's ring every day. It gives me comfort to feel and see it on my finger. Like he is always with me. His birthday is coming up soon and I know that will be a struggle.