I lost my partner, soul-mate, wife, my heart, on October 17, 2009. We were together for 29 years(almost 30); 15 of those years were filled with breast cancer. I am still lost and have so many days that I feel I cannot go on without her. We had very little friends when we moved and no support. I am still in counseling and continue to go, but as far as other support, I have none--No family and "conditional friends." This past holiday was the 3rd one without her. It was the hardest so far. The first was numb, the second, was better; however, this holiday comes with the shattering reality that I will never see her again. I have no one to share these feelings.
Honey, you are correct that no one knows the devastating effect loss and grief bring into our lives. Losing someone you have invested every loving thought, moment with... is unspeakably sorrowful. All your dreams change when cancer arrives. Faith, positive thinking become the goal. Nurturing and feeding correctly... trying to find solutions to each problem consumes you as a couple. You literally try to infuse health and optimism into her soul, mind and body. You cannot let up. You cannot fail her. Yet you feel as though you did, because she had to go when her days were up. Now, after all that intense nurturing, you are alone. With your memories. At first, all you can recall are the ones where she was out of your touch. You look at photos for hours, and then you notice the steady decline, which you denied then. You believed. Now you question. And who is going to answer these revolving questions you have going round and round in your head.... It is a minefield only you can wade through, with the knowledge others are there too. I learned that grief and sorrow are literally two different things. Grief is easier to wade through, while sorrow lies heavy in your heart. I learnt that wallowing in it is the only way to pass through.... it leaves permanent scars in your soul. It remodels you somehow. Makes you softer... more caring... more insightful and more appreciative of others love unions. You will see deeper.. feel more intensely, and one day, you will be blessed in loving another.... you will be a wonderful partner to someone who is deserving of your intensity. A friend told me, rather wisely, that I will only begin to heal when I love again. I was flippant and aggressive about the thought, ridiculing it completely. God had other plans and sent someone into my life. At first, I made it very difficult for her, chased her away, found reasons for her not being right for me... but she came back, relentless in her quest to help me heal. I do not know if we are ever really ready to love another human being.... but who are we to decide that? I will say this... my wailing, weeping and no sleeping has stopped. I was inconsolable. Weeping all day, having to wear sunglasses to hide my tired tear filled eyes. I swear I cried rivers, and eventually my tears began to be offensive to me. I wailed so much they smelled strange. I would wash my face and start all over again. Sleep was a no no. Coming home was terrifying. I would cry when I saw our home.... park the car in the garage, and wail for at least ten minutes, sobbing... when I could not breathe .. I would get out and stagger into this house. Calling out her name... asking why why why. I would have long conversations with myself. Refuse to leave the home I created for her. Isolated myself with my sorrow. When I went out to friends, I would wail all the way there. I sought the bullet. I did not dodge them any longer. I had no reason to live. No reason to love. I wanted to crawl up somewhere, stop eating and drinking and just die in my miserable state. I was punishing myself. I know I did not want her to come back to this suffering world. I knew that she could not come back. I knew I could talk to her in my head, but she could not answer me. I only have the lessons she taught me. I find new ones every day. In fact, I am using them in my new relationship. She did not leave me destitute.. I began to see that she prepared me for this period. In her dying state, she prepared me. That softens my heart and makes the tears flow all over again. What a legacy! What Love! I began to appreciate all the sentences she uttered, telling me to find someone to love me. Telling me she has prayed that God will send someone special into my life, because I am so precious and deserve someone to love me..... It was hard to hear when she told me those words, but I recall them now. I dont know everything... I cannot write history.. but I can live it! One of my friends posted a quip on my face book page.... Everytime we fall in love, it is in a different way. I scoffed that line. Now, Today? I live that line. Angels come in various forms to encourage us. There is a plan somehow, for us. Just rest in that knowledge that your beloved can see you, know that you are in pain, in need of being appreciated.. and a miracle could occur any moment!! Invest in yourself, because that is what she would have wanted you to do. Appreciate yourself - in a new way. Each day. You are worthy of love. You enthralled your beloved for almost 30 years. Surely that is reason enough for you to carry on, looking up and forward... leave the past in your heart. It travels with you. It will never leave you, so you dont have to look backwards. Keep the faith. Smile at yourself. Find your sense of humor again, and start chirping others! You will find that even your sense of humor has altered! Use it. I been there.. did that, am doing that, and it brings relief to our hearts when we make others laugh, God bless you honey.
Oh, Glynn, I can't stop crying now after reading what you wrote! Almost every line is a version of me--except for the being prepared part. My BJ wouldn't give up hope totally. On Jan 1, 2009, she told me she was tired and didn't think she would make it. After that talk, though, she never mentioned her dying again. She left on Mar 21, 2009 in my arms...I had to let her go...
So how RU today? I know the beginning of each new week brings different memories and responsibilities--most of which I don't care if I get done anymore or not. I pray your sorrow does not consume you. I know it is so easy for that to happen because at times I feel like I'm "losing it" and will never get it back.
I've often wondered if the relationships between 2 women or 2 men is a stronger bond than most heterosexual relationships. I know that my BJ and I spent all our free time together and rarely were separated more than a day or two (due to business, etc., that called me away). I'm always hearing so many straights complaining about how the husband has to "hang" with his buddies or he's moody and temperamental, or the men complaining that they hope their wives go shopping on the weekend so they can have some time alone. I rarely wanted this because I had my time alone--time away from my BJ--when we were at work, and that was more than enough.
So, tell me more about your love--did you two experience similar traits?
I'm here to listen...if you like!
I tried to send this via email, but it didn't work, so I here it is, written 2/20/2012