Pain is till the same but at least now I can talk about it

I signed up for this group more than a year ago. When I got to the part where you have to tell what brings you here, I just couldn't go on. It was hard to say the words or even write them; I still can’t. I go around the bushes but never say that my partner, well… he’s gone; the few times I manage to say it I do it fast, mumbling, very low.

On the other hand, I just can’t sit and talk or write about it. When I am not at work I am home trying to avoid the truth; so I play and watch movies, TV, or research things I’m interested on, whatever takes (I walk around the house with my tablet, always playing something –no music, it’s dangerous. I try hard not to think about my partner; even the good memories hurt; let alone the sad ones.

I just couldn’t sit and I write about him, about the illness that took him so quickly. I couldn’t even sit and talk –write- about the terrific beautiful 10 years we spent together. I can’t read the messages from other people either; I get the notification email but I don’t read them. But, and I think it’s important, I never delete them. I have too much respect for all of you, all of us, in pain. And I keep thinking that one day I’ll be able to sit and write here. And then, last night, I don’t know what moved me to read the message from Jesse –just the part you can see in the email; it made me cry for a long time. There was no movie that could catch my attention after that.

And then I knew that my time to tell my story here had come. But it’s still so hard; I have spent 45 minutes writing this, stopping at every line. Not to cry. Just to control the tears. One year, 6 months and 19 days! For goodness sake! Is it ever going to get any better? Or do I have to keep controlling my thoughts forever? It can be very exhausting and as the time passes, more and more difficult. I guess it’s like running: the more you run the closer you get to your goal; but you’re also more and more tired, your whole body hurts more and more. And you wonder if you’re really going to be able to keep going.

Well, I didn’t tell my story after all I realize. I spoke about my feelings but not about what happened. I guess I am not ready after all. And I wonder, does it really matter? Does it really matter what happened and how? Our pain is the same, regardless of the circumstances. Hope to be back and then be able to tell my story.

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Permalink Reply by Steve G. on August 4, 2015 at 6:23pm

It has been 9 months since my partner died. I started posting on this site and it helped, because if you not talk about it stays bottled up inside. I also post on the non GLBT side of Legacy. Thru my postings I got help just by reading other's post on what they were going thru and found out that by doing this we were all helping one another.
My partner and I had 27 years together, he would have been 51 this past January, me I just had my 68th birthday in April. I am still experiencing a lot of firsts.
One day I was surfing the web and I looked up GLBT churches in Dallas. One site I felt good about so I decided to leaves comfort zone and check them out. It literally took me two months to not have an excuse to not go.
What I found was an awesome group of folks that from the moment I entered until I left for home. On my way out one of the members said hold you don't get to leave without a hug. I lost it, I started crying and he hugged me tighter. I said I have to go, he asked me if I had filled out the visitors sheet, I replied yes and ran to my car sobbing and shaking. I hadn't felt that kind of love thru a hug since Mark's passing.
Late in the week I received a call from the co-pastor, asking me if I felt like talking, I said yes and an hour and a half later we hung up.
I went back the following Sunday, and each one thereafter. I have made new friends, I attend bible study each Wednesday and last week one of members that knew my story asked me my partners name and what was he like? Up till then no had asked me that. I cheerfully told him , I felt proud and happy for the fist time in awhile.
Going back to church was the right thing for me, finding the right one for me was a small Miricle. I am not a gay Christian I am a Christian that happens to be gay.
I have an outlet and a place full of love.
I had wandered away from church a long time ago, for me it has saved my sanity and eased the pain.
Each one of us (when we are ready) will find our way along this journey That none of us asked for. Each new day is different, I am different not the same person as before. Was I ready for change, no. All I can tell anyone is what I have gone thru and share my journey. I know it sounds a little preachy and I will leave it as is, I hope and pray for everyone on legacy to find their way, to know that we are not alone and that each one of us has a story to share! My name is Steve Goodwin and I too monitor and read all the posts it really helps and it does really get better one moment at a time, hugs to all!

Permalink Reply by Steve Feldman on August 4, 2015 at 6:39pm

Dear Cesar,

There is no great rush to tell your story. Just know that there are a lot of people in this group and several other Internet bereavement sites that have been, or are, where you are and can give you support in this awful grieving process we must all go through for the loss of our partners.

I lost my partner of 53 years, including spouse of 3, nine months ago. I am so grateful for the perfect, long and happy relationship and life we had together. I still cry myself to sleep every night and find the lonliness unberable. There are just wonderful memories remaining to me now. So in order to hold onto them and to let fiends and family know that our great love did exist I wrote a long history. Our love did not end with my loss but continues on as long as I hold it in my heart and mind. I was able to write down that history so that I can keep for myself, and hope it will inspire and inform others of what we had. Many thanked me but quite a few cut me off. I do not know if I was holding up a mirror to them of everyone's mortality or they are envious or bigoted about same-sex marriage. But that is their loss. If you have trouble writing down your feelings and history now on a web site or in a document to send to friends or family be patient. Perhaps you can soon put something down on paper to to your beloved; a love letter, telling him his is still close to you in heart, thought and spirit and shall remain so forever.

Details and facts are irrelevant right now but expressing your feelings to others is vital. The important thing is to accept support from all of us who are exepriencing what you are and can, perhaps, give you some insight in how to cope with and alleviate your grief. I cannot tell you when or how our pain will lessen. But I send you my sincerest wishes for relief.Steve

Permalink Reply by Don Neal on August 4, 2015 at 9:54pm

What a pity there is not somewhere like that here is Sydney Australia, I lost my partner of 43 years 15 months ago as we never came out there is no one that I can really talk to, thing are coming better now but is still rather hard.

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on August 5, 2015 at 12:34pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take comfort knowing you are not alone in these feelings. There are only certain with whom I can discuss Jason. Speaking about the good memories to them is getting easier. I still have a "social anxiety" and cannot be in social settings. Jason died on March 14, completely unexpectedly. His birthday is a week from Monday. Today am am taking my dog of 15 years to the vet and may be having to put him down today. If not today, it is still only a matter of weeks.

I poured myself into a medical manuscript that may soon be published. When I present, I plan on giving credit for the style of thinking thled me to this breakthrough to Jason. I am scared to death, but there are few things I can still give him. Sharing our story has helped me. I wish I could say some advice, but all I can say is that you are never alone.

Tom

Permalink Reply by Don Neal on August 5, 2015 at 10:37pm

After my partner passed over I looked on the net about grief, it said that the were various stages you go through, on looking back now yes, I went through those, I think im at the stage now that I dont cry at at what I lost, but smile at what I had, would I find another partner? perhaps, but at the same time I do not feel any rush if it happens it happens, I feel now I need friends more than a romantic attachment.

Permalink Reply by Derick Grundyson on February 10, 2016 at 5:40pm

Don, I am very sorry for your loss and wish you nothing but the best. I find myself doing the same things as you do to pass the time...a lot of tinkering with gadgets or games to distract me. I think that is a natural thing. We cannot be emotionally open 24 hours a day. I don't know for sure, but I think everyone deals with loss differently. We share what we can, when we can.

Like you, I am struggling to talk about it, but I know I need to otherwise I will explode. I hope you can find the strength to share your story someday. It's good to know that we aren't alone.

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