On March 4th, 2021, my partner Kyle committed suicide, by shotgun to the head. I found him in his car, and have been feeling incredibly anxious and alone since then. He always struggled with mental health issues, but seemed to be stable when it happened. He was always worried about what everyone else thought about him, and I had reluctantly agreed to keep the appearance of our relationship secret to all but a select few people. I believe now this secret only makes the grieving worse. It takes too much energy and effort to break down the truth to everyone and yet it makes it all the lonelier to deal with this virtually alone. The only thing that has really kept me going through all of this is a fight to pass a new law. My local state Assemblyman and Senator are writing new legislation that would require police and coroners to provide a pamphlet to any grieving persons they have to meet professionally, outlining the services for grief, HazMat cleanup, and other services available in the community that could be beneficial in a time of loss. To make things worse it seems many gay men, seem to run scared at the mention of grief or loss. Others seem to want to take advantage and ask if I want sex.
I am ever so sorry for the loss of your partner and the feeling of being all alone. I lost my partner 5.5 years ago to cancer. I would like to invite you to join a grief support group. Just follow the link, answer a few questions and you will find so many of us that have/are going through exactly what you are going through. I hope you will give this site a try.