From the first moment we laid eyes on each other, it was love. 

The first thing he said to me was, "You know I am in love with you?" How crazy! Of course I already knew that! My reply, "And I love you too! So what are we going to do about it?"

And so it began...

He was (is) the love my life; adventurous, wildly mad, demanding, challenging, annoying, adorable, handsome, charming, my best friend and lover.

But my lovely boy, Michel, passed away in April, 2013. We were together for 13 years and for the last two years I cared for him as he battled Motor Neurone Disease. I was with him until the final moment, which will be with me, forever. I thought we would be together forever.

It has been over four years since his death and what an incredible journey it has been. I have grieved of course, and still do; everyday! I sometimes shed a tear or two, and sometimes I bawl like a baby. One important piece of advice which helped me, said I would probably grieve until my own final day, and that was okay. This was helpful because so many people just wanted me to have an end date to grieving, as if that was possible. I will always grieve, it's just that it takes different forms and shapes and sizes and colours and textures. Today is a good day. Last Sunday was a bad day. That's just how it is.

His birthday is coming up in July, his 60th (but he always looked 10 years younger - good French/Spanish genes). He was such a handsome man. I have, of course, started buying presents. I will find a lovely card. I will write a special message. I always buy cards for anniversaries, birthdays, Valentines Day, Christmas. I always buy gifts. It helps! 

I stay at home, alone. I have learned that I have to move through this on my own. It is so intense and powerful and others find it difficult. I don't think I can ever let anyone in again. His loss is so huge that I couldn't survive it again. And also, he has the biggest shoes for someone to fill. I don't think anyone could.

Which brings me to why I am posting here now. I found this site last year but didn't feel ready to write. But now, I guess I just wanted to share. Perhaps it is because his big birthday is coming up. Perhaps for those who have lost recently, so that they see that we do survive. We may not be the same person we were, but we find a new normal. Also, to feel more connected, because for gay people, there is not a lot of support or recognition of our loss. Even though we had a Civil Union, we just missed out on being able to marry (under French Law). So often I feel that if it had been a straight couple, my journey would have been so much easier and more supported.

For now, I just take one day at a time!

 

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Replies to This Discussion

I found this online one night while researching grief, to this day I cannot remember how or where I found it and it no longer matters to me.  This poem offers me an enormous amount of comfort, I lost my one true love Mark William Thomas Cava on November 30th 2014.  Mark lost his battle with a neurological disorder similar to Parkinson's and is hereditary, he was at home when he passed. Mark and I spent 25 years together, he was very smart, playful, never dull and never sad or down.  I have posted to Legacy since February 2015, I found the link for lost spouses before I knew there was one for LGBT, my acceptance by everyone on that discussion site has kept me there.  My faith in humanity was renewed.  I hope you like the poem and my wish for you is that it brings some much needed comfort when you most need it.  Take care, sending you hugs, cause we all need it..

For those who believe:

I wish I could tell you of all that God has planned
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand
But one this is for certain though my life on earth is o’re
I am closer to you now than I was ever before
And to my very many friends, trust God knows what is best
I’m still not far away from you, I’m just beyond the crest
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb
But together we can do it taking one day at a time
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too
That as you give unto the world so the world will give to you
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain
Then you can say to God at night my day was not in vain
And now I am contented that my life was worthwhile
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low
Just lend a hand to pick him/her up as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind
And when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your face
That’s me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace
And when it’s time for you to go from that body to be free
Remember you’re not going you are coming here to me.
I will always love you.

Anonymous

Hi Steve,

Thank you so much for sharing this poem. It is very moving and reflects my philosophy and beliefs so much. I know he  loves me and is nearby all the time. My best wishes to you too!

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