Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by J Greene on June 10, 2016 at 2:40am

Sorry for your loss, Don. It is exactly 1year and 5 months today, that Tom passed away. We were together almost 22yrs. We got married 2mos before he passed away. I know the pain can be unbearable at times. Take as long as you need to grieve, and don't let anyone put a time limit on it. Be kind to yourself.

Permalink Reply by Mark Pace on June 10, 2016 at 3:51am

Dear Don, you are not alone here, I could not sleep or eat for two weeks then when I did I ate and drank myself silly and slept hours. The grief gets easier to handle with time, you learn how to cope I promise. Keep breathing, talk to your husband and look at the sky.
My partner and I were 25 years together and three days before our wedding he suddenly collapsed and died. Thankfully I have had some closure as in France marriage posthumously is possible and I was granted it.
Sending you lots of love

Permalink Reply by Scott G. on June 10, 2016 at 5:45am

Dear Don. I am so sorry. I had envisioned that we would marry in the hospital because we were there more than home. It was our other home. I know you feel so many emotions s and NONE ARE WRONG. They are all so normal. It was not supposed to bs this way. My heart goes out to you. Scott

Permalink Reply by Gregg Yazzie on June 10, 2016 at 12:54pm

Don, Trust me, I feel your pain. My lost was slightly over a month now and I'm still in that crying and sadness mode. I don't expect it to go away soon. I am weaning myself from expressing to others because I feel like I may be wearing them out showing my emotions. I usually get the "be strong" and "it'll get better with time" clichés. I find that going to grief support groups helps some although temporarily.  It helps me for that day, but have to start over the next. Professional help is in the works. My Joe departed after 25 plus years of being together on May 8. He died from lung cancer that metastasized to his brain. He was under home hospice care so I cared for him at home with the help of others.  I talk to his ashes daily when I am home. Sometimes I wait for an answer, but know I wont get one. When I am at work, I want to go home. I feel more at peace at home although I know it is good for me to work to keep busy. Please continue visiting this site so that myself and others can console you. Peace. Gregg

Permalink Reply by Arvin Bain on June 10, 2016 at 5:59pm

Dear Don,

My heart goes out to you.  Nothing can replace your husband.  I am so sorry.  I lost my Darren 6 mons. ago.  He died suddenly from an acute allergic reaction to a drug he was prescribed. It was so unexpected that I only had less than 1 minute to comfort him and tell him I loved him and that I would be right by his side before they had to put him on a respirator.  He never woke up from it.  He passed later that evening, calmly as if sleeping.  I sat with him and stroked his head and hands until his last heartbeat registered on the monitors.  I lost it soon after.  It was the most painful thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life.  Like you, everything was left unsaid and undone between us.  I didn't even get to say good-bye.  Since then, I've been on a constant roller coaster with my emotions.  I've dropped 65 pounds from grief alone.  I break down at least once a week still but it helps to scream and cry out the pain.  Anything can still set me off down that road of dread, loneliness, pain and sorrow.

Like Mark & Gregg suggest, continue to talk to him.  Everyday, I light a candle for Darren and I talk to him about everything and anything.  He has become my personal confessor, in a way.  Yes, I might say the same things over and over again but it helps keep my head clear.  I've also picked up jogging.  It helps me organize my thoughts and keeps me busy and out of the house that we shared.  If I stay home, I will sit alone in front of the TV and go through every event leading up to his passing.  I would wonder what we, he, I didn't do?  What could we, he, I have done?  It's a lot self doubting and "what if's" I ask myself.  It's basically overwhelming and not healthy.  So try and talk it out with friends or family.  They may not have a clue to your intimate relationship with your husband but at least you won't be hiding yourself away.  Take all the time you need and yes, don't let anyone tell you when you need to stop grieving.  You will hear all the cliches under the sun so prepare yourself.  I do, however, take each day one at a time now.

I'm not sure if you're religious or spiritual but I pray every morning and before I go to bed.  Yes, I'm a mess but like you, we have to figure out how to handle our loss.  My life has changed completely and I accepted that it will never be the same but I know that I still love Darren and I miss him incessantly.  No one can take what we had and still have from me.  So please Don, be good to yourself and try to remember to accept the good that comes to you.  We are all here on this site and we're here to listen and share.  Again, my heart goes out to you.  Please don't forget to keep your health.  I will say a pray for you and your husband.  Arvin