Sudden Loss

I lost my partner in a tragic accident two weeks ago. Though not legally wed, we had exchanged rings, had even started calling each other "husband'. We had not yet combined households, but discussed with excitement the prospect of owning a home together. He was 45, and I am 49. Our paths had criss-crossed our whole lives before finally meeting and falling in love. I had recognized him from the gym at the intermission of WICKED in 2011 and went up to introduce myself. Unbeknownst to me, he had already noticed me in the gym, and when asked if he knew me, had stated to his workout partner, "No, but I am gonna." We had just seen WICKED together this time, holding hands the entire performance only 3 weeks before he died.

We were both in agreement that it was the greatest love we had ever known. Even the littlest thing, like holding hands during a movie was an intense sharing of intimacy.

I had spent the majority of my life alone, and was quite happy to be that way. Now the prospect of spending all the days of my life without his presence is a pain few seem to understand.

I know people mean well, but I find myself feeling anger when people try to tell me that I will experience love again.

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Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 3, 2015 at 9:37am

I have a 15 year old dog that is near his end. Jason was helping me prepare.

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Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 3, 2015 at 9:57am

I have a 15 year old dog that is near his end

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Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 3, 2015 at 9:58am

Jason had been helping me deal with the impending loss of my Champ.

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Permalink Reply by Richard Turner on April 3, 2015 at 10:33am

Wow, you just can't catch a break.... Champ looks like a sweet dog, and perhaps he'll stay around a bit longer than you think. Is that Jason in the picture? Handsome man. And you chose black bands - carbon? We had titanium (not my choice - I would have opted to platinum!!). I hope you kept his, it's a good keepsake.

Perhaps it's time for a second dog - hopefully a rescue one, there are so many who need love. Even Champ may appreciate a new friend. Or even volunteer at a shelter or a rescue, it's rewarding. When my spouse died, in lieu of flowers I asked for donations to the local shelter where most of my pets have come from - we raised a significant amount of money, and shelters are always in need.

I hope you have Easter dinner with some family or friends (doesn't matter if you feel like Debbie Downer, it's therapeutic to get out). Ham, lamb, some scalloped potatoes - comfort food. Take things a day at a time....(but be sure to get leftovers!).

Rich

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 3, 2015 at 11:27am

Yes that's Jason. Pictures taken exactly one year before his death. Jason asked that we buy multiple lesser expensive bands for variety, and so that it would "be like getting married every day" in his words. But the black tungsten bands were the first. Easter has some great memories for us. Thanks for letting me share.

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Permalink Reply by Mark Woolslayer on April 6, 2015 at 2:53am

Tom,

I can so relate to you and some of the feelings that you are experiencing now.

Honestly, people mean well as I have been told. But I understand the feeling "Hey, I just lost the most important person to me in my life, and you people seem to be treating it like I just lost a pencil." At least that is how I am still feeling.

I just lost my fiancee to a sudden heart attack at the beginning of March this year. We were together for 18+ years and last year on my birthday, I got the best wish in the world granted to me. A "yes" we will get married.

I had planned to be with him to death do us part. Little did we know, that death would come so soon. Jim was 56 and I and 48. We had just move from apartment living to a house last year. The house was his Mom's and she had signed to deed over to him. Jim had gotten a home equity to pay off her equity loan and to start repairs on the house. We were planning many projects this spring to get the house and property ready for an August wedding. You get the picture. And less than 2 weeks since his passing I have people asking me. Don't you think that he would want you to continue on an to be happy. My response was, 'that is not the point'.

When asked what was the point. I said that I am still hurting very deeply and I do not even want to think about being with another. I lived before on my own, though it has been quite sometime and when the universe for lack of a better word or God sees fit to place me on that path or to sent someone to me on that path I will be content to live while trying to heal.

My point is that it is more than okay to feel exactly how you are feeling! There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. I learned that too from Jim. I also learned that I am a smart person, and stronger than what I give myself credit for being. You are too! I am learning slowly that again I am good company for me. I still don't like let alone love being independent again. So, if I can't love who and where I am how can I love and respect someone new and special. I guess that for you and me that we are just not there yet.

How is your daily life going? Sometimes it is okay for me. And sometimes it surprises me in ways I couldn't have imagined. I actually have "good days" and there are times I mentally beat myself for actually feeling okay. Most of the time in the beginning I could not tell you how I felt. I just thought I was watching myself going through the motions of daily life.

There are also time that I cry for no reason. I am not sure if any of this is ringing a chord with you. But have found out that sharing our stories is a way that we begin to heal. I hope that if you need to ask anything. Whether it be to be a sounding board or an acknowledgement that I've been there also. You may contact me.

Please take care,

Mark

P.S. The picture of the rings is priceless. :-) !

Permalink Reply by Mark Woolslayer on April 6, 2015 at 3:14am

I saw you post about Champ, again I am sorry that you are going through this. I had to put down one of our cats shortly after Jim's passing. Like I said I've been there.

Thank you again for sharing your story and your courage.

Mark

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 6, 2015 at 2:07pm

I'm so sorry about Jim. When hopes are at their highest, and loss like this occurs, it's just something I cannot put in to words, and so few people seem to really understand. But I can say those, that do, I can see it in their eyes. And they are the same people that knew I was not the kind of person to bounce from relationship to relationship. Some people fall in love and enter a relationship because it's better than being alone. To me that makes a partner or a spouse like a vacancy, that could be filled by the next person that comes along. I was fine being alone before Jason. It's so comforting to know that someone "gets it"

Thank you so much.

Tom

Mark Woolslayer said:

I saw you post about Champ, again I am sorry that you are going through this. I had to put down one of our cats shortly after Jim's passing. Like I said I've been there.

Thank you again for sharing your story and your courage.

Mark

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on April 10, 2015 at 12:51pm

Tomorrow will be four weeks since the accident. I can tell that my friends are "over" my grief, so I've learned to just keep my mouth shut. Even in regular conversation, I've had to replace the words, "Jason and I", with "I", when referring to past events. Instead of "Jason and I used to like that restaurant," or "Jason and I loved that show", I just say, "I used to do this or that." The uncomfortable silence when I include Jason in the statement about something I've done is so awkward, because people feel the need to say something, but don't know what to say in this stage.

Constantly telling them how to respond to every little thing I say is exhausting. People mean well right after the event, but they really are not aware of the long term commitment they make when they say "whenever", or "however long". And I see why in olden times widows were sequestered away for mourning.

Permalink Reply by Steve Feldman on June 10, 2015 at 3:14pm

Dear Tom,

My condolences on your great loss. I am regret that you had so many future dreams with your husband that cannot be fulfilled now. It is not the length of any relationship that is important. It is the deepness of love, commitment and expectations that are important. I was fortunate that my partner of 53 years, and wedded spouse of 3 years, and I achieved ALL of our dreams. We actually wed on the 50th anniversary of the day we first met, when it became legal in NYS in 2011 to do so. It was avery long "engagement". But his sudden loss to Leukemia leaves me feeling cheated out of another 10-15 years of great happiness we should have had. So you and I are now both alone and shall have to find some way to resolve our grief and find a new purpose in life. I wish you well in moving on.

Permalink Reply by Tom Hogshead on June 11, 2015 at 10:47pm

I'm so sorry for your loss, Steve. I once told Jason that there wasn't a thing I did that wasn't better when I did it with him at my side. Thank you for understanding the pain the future lost. I hope my appreciation of your love and the many years you shared and the pain you now face, at least helps you feel less alone.

Permalink Reply by Steve Feldman on June 13, 2015 at 1:27am

Tom,

I fully understand exactly what you mean about nothing better than when you did it with Jason at your side. Since I lost Frankie nothing seems to turn out right. There are always glitches and complications. With him everything I did was with his great love, support and encouragment. Everything seemed to turn out right.Thank you also for your appreciation of our long and devoted relationship and understanding the terrible pain of loneliness.