Hi Everyone,

I'm thankful to have found a space like this where I can share my story.

Today marks the second week I've been grieving over my fiancee, Ben. I turned 30 this year and he turned 38. We've been together for 7 years, but written to one another months before we started dating. He was my first long-term relationship and the only one I've said "I love you" to.  

He was in a fatal car crash two weeks ago. He was on the other side of the country visiting his mom who he hadn't seen in a few years. I got a call from Ben two weeks ago at night and I asked him what he was doing. He said he was bored and went out for a drive. I told him to drive safely and that I love him. I sort of cut the call short since I was in the middle of cooking and didn't want to burn my food.

That was the last time I spoke to him.

I got the call from his close friend at 4:00AM my time. I knew immediately what the call was about. Ben was supposed to fly back home the following week.

I'm still going through the motions. I know about the five stages and all that. In one day, I honestly think I hit all of the stages. I still find myself in shock and denial about it. I sometimes look at my phone seeing if I have a missed call from him. Then I remember the two pictures of the scene I saw on the local paper website. And I accept it for the time being. 

The two worst parts of my day are waking up and remembering AGAIN that he's gone. The other worst part is walking around our mother-in-law apartment we shared. Little things lying around of his make me miss him so much.

Ben was the kind of guy who got angry when someone he loved got hurt. He did all he could to help anyone out. It sounds like a cliche, but he lived like that. He loved to take walks with me, grill his "secret recipe" chicken, and make people laugh with his brash Boston humor. Every time I'd tell him "I love you", he'd always come back with "I love you more." 

We didn't marry, but I'll always consider Ben my husband. 

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Replies to This Discussion

Dear Danny

I am so sorry to hear of Bens sudden passing. My partner of 26 years passed in 2013 and im here to tell you that although the hurt and emptyness will never fully go away but with time it does get better, Stay strong and keep a close support group of good friends and above all else let your emotions out and let others know how your feeling. there is no right or wrong way to grieve , we all tend to grieve differently so accept that the stage your in is right and your feelings are valid and stay involved in life. with friends, activities. Time will never take away the pain fully but it will ease it. we are here for you if you need anyone to talk to. your friend.

Shane

Thank you Shane and I'm sorry about your loss. I'm normally a very quiet person and seldom reach out to people, even friends and family. I do have a group of friends I can talk to so I'm learning to gradually reach out more. I've let myself just pour out emotions. A small thing can bring back so many memories and I lose it. But I know it's good for me to do that now.

Thank you for reaching out to me.  

I know exactly what you mean, for so long i would pass a specific store and remember us shopping for Christmas lights and ornaments and would have a panic attack or our favorite restaurant. Those feelings are real and raw and thank goodness I had a great support group of friends, mostly professional friends in the medical field who were there for me during all this and especially during planning his memorial service. It was a horrible time in the beginning and i thought things would NEVER be normal again, or close to normal as possible,but although my heart has an empty place, time does ease the pain. So glad you have close friends with you and hope you hang in there and remember we are always here for you!

Shane

Yes, the driving around our area and every store/restaurant has a specific memory. It's little things like this store down our street he loved. He bought a small little canvas placard that says "You're a star.. shine on." He bought that for our bathroom and I just remember how happy a small thing like that meant to him. Every time I go to our bathroom I see it and just cry. Every time I drive by that store I remember him being so excited about this small thing. 

I'm very sorry to hear Danny. Those emotions are going to hit like you said, all at once, and then sometimes in slower stages. Ride the waves when it happens, holding onto that life preserver that is Ben...those things that are good and kind and loving memories you hold dear. He is forever in your heart and he touched you so deeply which is why you miss him so. Whether officially married or not, you guys were each others, partners in life. Be kind to yourself, forget about the should have would have could haves that come up in your mind because they will. And when you are ready, as my doctor told me, watch the movie Rabbit Hole with Nicole Kidman. Only when you are ready though. Keep friends near, reach out when you need to. Be well through this difficult time.

Robert 

Thank you Robert. I'm definitely riding the waves. The past couple of days were the first since Ben passed that I tried to stay busy. It's good for a few hours and then (good) memories strike me and I start crying.

I will look for that movie you mentioned. In my Google search for places like this I came by a video clip of Nate Berkus on Oprah's site. He went through a loss and one thing that struck me was the saying that when a soul finds what it's looking for it can go. Ben found me and made a life with me. I was his "home" to him and he would always tell me that.  

That is a wonderful saying. Thank you for sharing it.  I totally agree with it. I'm very glad you both had each other in the time that you did. Cloud Atlas is another good one too. I hope you have a good Friday. 

So sorry about your loss, Danny.  Words don't really express what you're going through, nor what you will go through.  Shane's right, it does get better; I lost my partner in 2013, and it seemed like the world was on hold; but really I was on hold.  My life is back on-track, although it's a different track and I often reflect on the life I had, and the life I now have, and marvel at how we can come back from something like this and be changed yet be happy, and whole.  The worst part of grieving is you do it alone - which is why this site is so helpful, everybody here has gone through what you're going through.  And everybody has pretty much made it through - though we've all had our points of agony, of anger, and of denial.  As dark as things might seem right now, it really does get better, and in an odd way, you realize you have an appreciation for everything that you never knew was there. 

Thank you Richard and I'm sorry about your loss. I'm hoping to get to the level of living my new normal life without Ben. As much as it hurts now, It is dark right now, but I'm grateful I found a place like this to share his and my story. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. My partner of 10 years also died in a fatal car crash just this year. My life is a struggle. Please respond. Would love to connect with you. 

I lost my partner of 35 years Sept 2017. I surely can relate to your struggle - it hits at certain times of the day, and certain things, little things trigger IT, the grief. And you don't know how in Heaven you can survive it. but I do know in such a relatively short time that it is such a need; it is sooo desperately important to CONNECT. Sometimes it's near impossible, and those times are the "nites"

Bless you,
David

Hi Danny,

Deepest condolences to you and I am truly sorry for your lost. My very first guy I dated died in a fatal car accident too on Dec 3st, 2015. I was so upset and lost, but I know that I have to move on. I still read his messages every morning, and his lovely voicemails. But I still miss him so much. Last new years eve was heavy for me... but I am thankful to have Hiep Liang beside me and made me believe in love again. I am sure that you will be strong and go through this unfortunate event as time goes. But Ben must be very thankful to have you and just remember that there's always someone that you love looking after you from above. God bless you and stay strong!

Love, 

Rad

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