I'm thankful to have found a space like this where I can share my story.
Today marks the second week I've been grieving over my fiancee, Ben. I turned 30 this year and he turned 38. We've been together for 7 years, but written to one another months before we started dating. He was my first long-term relationship and the only one I've said "I love you" to.
He was in a fatal car crash two weeks ago. He was on the other side of the country visiting his mom who he hadn't seen in a few years. I got a call from Ben two weeks ago at night and I asked him what he was doing. He said he was bored and went out for a drive. I told him to drive safely and that I love him. I sort of cut the call short since I was in the middle of cooking and didn't want to burn my food.
That was the last time I spoke to him.
I got the call from his close friend at 4:00AM my time. I knew immediately what the call was about. Ben was supposed to fly back home the following week.
I'm still going through the motions. I know about the five stages and all that. In one day, I honestly think I hit all of the stages. I still find myself in shock and denial about it. I sometimes look at my phone seeing if I have a missed call from him. Then I remember the two pictures of the scene I saw on the local paper website. And I accept it for the time being.
The two worst parts of my day are waking up and remembering AGAIN that he's gone. The other worst part is walking around our mother-in-law apartment we shared. Little things lying around of his make me miss him so much.
Ben was the kind of guy who got angry when someone he loved got hurt. He did all he could to help anyone out. It sounds like a cliche, but he lived like that. He loved to take walks with me, grill his "secret recipe" chicken, and make people laugh with his brash Boston humor. Every time I'd tell him "I love you", he'd always come back with "I love you more."
We didn't marry, but I'll always consider Ben my husband.
I am so sorry for your loss, Rad. I'm glad that you can read his messages and listen to his voicemail and have moved along and rediscovered a belief in love. It's only been a few months since my lost. Your journey gives me hope.
I understand: I miss my loved one every moment I am awake - yes esp in the morning when I have to realize yet again that he is gone - I don't want to go to sleep. He would always say that he loved me before he went to bed. and I would respond that I loved him too - had I known that it would be our last night together would I have done anything differently? It reels over and over in my head, but I have to say no. in the real world of life we do what we can, and some things are simply out of reach for us, they are in Gods realm - do I feel that? - no, I feel forsaken. I can only pray.
Bless you on your journey. I understand that there is a light, but we just can.t see it yet.