Where is the support?

I was so happy when I found this group because I have been having such a hard time with my partner's passing. I know that we are all grieving and still trying to deal with everday life. It would be nice though if there was more communication within the group. You write to people and you never hear back from them. I just thought that there would be more "support" and I guess I was wrong. The group has been a big dissapointment. I still wish everyone well.

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Permalink Reply by Chip English on May 21, 2012 at 3:13pm

Darrell:

I will try to do better. I admit that I took a lot of time off from work and am now catching up with that. But I will try to check this site once every two days at most.

I find Sunday evenings to be extremely tough precisely because that was almost always time we dedicated to spending quality time together. I note this because you wrote Sunday evening. I also find rain to be bad because then I tend to stay indoors with the pain.

Best,

Chip

Permalink Reply by Christopher Ruggles on May 26, 2012 at 3:40pm

Darrell, I'm sorry you have not yet found the support you need from this group. I think we all kind of get caught up in our grief and current life events that we sometimes enter "hermit" mode. I know for me, my current life events have been keeping me very busy and I'm not taking the time that I should to come back here see who's new and what's been going on.

Feel free, at any time, to send me a message here or shoot me an email. I try to return messages within 24 hours.

Christopher

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 26, 2012 at 8:41pm

Hi Christopher, thank you for taking the time to reach out. I feel a little embarassed about that message that i left about the group. I wrote it last Sunday night after a very lonely and depressing weekend. Weekends seem to be the worst for me. I also hate nights. My partner Homer has been gone close to 4 months. everyone tells me that things will get better I don't know about that. I have gotten used to him not being here with me now but that doesn't mean that I miss him any less.. He was a sweet wonderful man and I loved him so much.

Please feel free also to send me a message at any time Christopher. Hope you have a good weekend and holiday.

Darrell

Christopher Ruggles said:

Darrell, I'm sorry you have not yet found the support you need from this group. I think we all kind of get caught up in our grief and current life events that we sometimes enter "hermit" mode. I know for me, my current life events have been keeping me very busy and I'm not taking the time that I should to come back here see who's new and what's been going on.

Feel free, at any time, to send me a message here or shoot me an email. I try to return messages within 24 hours.

Christopher

Permalink Reply by Christopher Ruggles on May 28, 2012 at 12:47pm

Darrell,

One of the most important lessons I learned last year after my Barry died; all those time honored sayings are crap! "Time will heal" is the one that totally sends me over the edge. People mean well by saying these things, but damn do I wish they would come up with something more original and heart-felt! LOL

Never, EVER, let anyone tell you how to grieve, how long to grieve, or what feelings you should be feeling at any given time. Your path is your own and it is completely unique to you. I do however, highly encourage you to talk to Homer whenever you need to. I think it makes the transition a little easier for us. And depending on your spiritual beliefs, it makes the transition easier for them, as well.

How long were you guys together? Barry and I were together almost 10 years. The anniversary of his death is coming up on June 7th. Having a bit of a hard time as it gets closer. Grief is an amazing rollercoaster of emotion and one of the single greatest life-changing experiences any of us can ever have.

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 29, 2012 at 9:51am

Hi Christopher. i certainly do agree with you about all of those sayings being crap. People do mean well like you said and I guess they say these things because they are uncomfortable and don't know what else to say .I do talk to Homer several times a day. I also talk to him at night before I go the sleep. It does help some. Sometimes I think I even feel his presence here with me. Unless it is just my imagination going a little wild.

Homer and and I were together a little over 30 years. We met in October of 1981. Since the day we met we were hardly apart from each other. I have felt so completely lost without him. I know that this iis a cliche but he was not only my partner but my best friend. We could talk about anything with each other. He was the kindest most decent person I have ever known. He also had a terrifc sense of humor. He never failed to make me or any any else laugh.

I notice that you live in Arizona Christopher. Is that where you and Barry met? i originally met Homer in Houston. I moved there after college. We lived there for 5 years. Moved to Seattle for 9. We then moved here to the Atlanta area in 1995.

Permalink Reply by jerry massey on May 29, 2012 at 9:49pm

Darrell, you are right, I think we reach out to know there are others like us, but I think we still try to handle things ourselves. We don't really know how to reach out as if we were in a room together. Nothing has changed with me, I have emotional ambushes daily even after 6 months. I know I am guilty of not using this site like it probably was set up but, it just doesn't work for me or I don't know how to use it to my advantage or even help some one else out. If I have not been a help I am sorry and I understand your feelings. Jerry

Permalink Reply by Christopher Ruggles on May 30, 2012 at 1:03am

Darrell,

Barry and I actually met over the internet. I was living here (born and raised) and Barry was living in Palm Springs. We met in person a few weeks after meeting online. From the moment we looked into each others eyes, we both knew were supposed to be together. We, more often than not, finished each others sentences. Like you and Homer, I can count the number of days we were apart on one hand.

It's not at all unusual to feel him near you. Those we've physically lost, remain to help us through the transition. At least I think so. Barry has been with me a lot since he died. I've had some amazing experiences lately.

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 30, 2012 at 8:43pm

Hi Christopher,

It sounds like you and Barry had a special bond and a very close relationship. He must have been a great guy. I like what you said about Homer being with me and Barry being with you to help us through the transition. It comforts me to know that Homer is watching out for me. He would have done anything possible for me when he was alive. It makes sense that he is still looking out for me now. I still continue to talk to him several times a day. Take care Christopher.

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 30, 2012 at 8:58pm

Hi Jerry, I am sorry that i wrote that message now. I wrote it on a Sunday night after a very depressing weekend where I was really missing my parther Homer.It certainly wasn't my intention to make anyone feel bad. We are all going through enough. I miss Homer all of the time but weekends and nights are the worst. I am still having a pretty hard time I don't forsee that changing anytime soon. It has helped me some though to share with Christopher, Chip and some of the others. They have really been kind. I'm still here if you ever want to talk. Take care Jerry.
jerry massey said:

Darrell, you are right, I think we reach out to know there are others like us, but I think we still try to handle things ourselves. We don't really know how to reach out as if we were in a room together. Nothing has changed with me, I have emotional ambushes daily even after 6 months. I know I am guilty of not using this site like it probably was set up but, it just doesn't work for me or I don't know how to use it to my advantage or even help some one else out. If I have not been a help I am sorry and I understand your feelings. Jerry

Permalink Reply by Darrell Sours on May 30, 2012 at 9:00pm

Darrell,

Barry and I actually met over the internet. I was living here (born and raised) and Barry was living in Palm Springs. We met in person a few weeks after meeting online. From the moment we looked into each others eyes, we both knew were supposed to be together. We, more often than not, finished each others sentences. Like you and Homer, I can count the number of days we were apart on one hand.

It's not at all unusual to feel him near you. Those we've physically lost, remain to help us through the transition. At least I think so. Barry has been with me a lot since he died. I've had some amazing experiences lately.

Permalink Reply by Chip English on May 31, 2012 at 8:34pm

Christopher and Darrell:

I trust that Brent is here somewhere guiding me, but I also hope that he is at rest and no longer in pain from his month long hospital stay. I, like Darrell, find weekends and some nights tougher than other times. I genuinely wish that there was a way to deal with the grief without simply reliving the bad time that unfortunately overwhelms the 12 years of good.

Respectfully,

Chip

Darrell Sours said:

It sounds like you and Barry had a special bond and a very close relationship. He must have been a great guy. I like what you said about Homer being with me and Barry being with you to help us through the transition. It comforts me to know that Homer is watching out for me. He would have done anything possible for me when he was alive. It makes sense that he is still looking out for me now. I still continue to talk to him several times a day. Take care Christopher.

Christopher Ruggles said:

Darrell,

Barry and I actually met over the internet. I was living here (born and raised) and Barry was living in Palm Springs. We met in person a few weeks after meeting online. From the moment we looked into each others eyes, we both knew were supposed to be together. We, more often than not, finished each others sentences. Like you and Homer, I can count the number of days we were apart on one hand.

It's not at all unusual to feel him near you. Those we've physically lost, remain to help us through the transition. At least I think so. Barry has been with me a lot since he died. I've had some amazing experiences lately.

Permalink Reply by jerry massey on June 4, 2012 at 9:40pm

Guys, I truly beleive that our parterns remain with us, no sure how long, but I believe that Bill , my partner now looks after me. I talk to him all the time, sometimes I break down and cry but you are right talking to that person does help somewhat. Bill and I were together for 34 years, he was my first and will be my only. I met him across a crowded room (just like the song). Love at first sight. Soul mates forever. I was the only person in his life that ever understood him. He was an adopted child. Such great personality he could charm the world. Now he is charming the angels. Jer