Hi my name is Isaac.

I created an account here the other day... I feel like I do not have a lot of resources at my hands currently besides this site. My last several days have been very sad/lonely/angry/depressed... you name it. So while I try to cope with this and also now with figuring out my partners things and my short term life... I am needing help and advice more than ever... from really anyone, specifically someone to hear me out. I have no experience with loosing anyone, let alone someone who was my world.

My partner, died driving home from work on the 11th. He had taken to me on the phone an hour before right before he left. I did not find this out till 8pm the night of from his family. We had been long distance for most of our relationship, but this was soon to be over at the end of August. He was finally moving in with me. So while I lived in the FL he lived up in the North East, where I am from.

This sudden accident has left me in complete shambles because I have really no support that may understand me fully. He was my everything. We did not have many friends, let alone any LGBT friends. I had moved to Florida because of work, and one year prior me and him sat down and said look this was our plan. We were just a few short weeks away...Loosing him was never suppose to happen like this.

I have been having panic attacks, bad dreams, feeling spaced out, body shutting down... etc.

I don't know what to do, and no one can help me. I am scared for my well being and how I am going to cope, how I am going to pull through without any support, but I do recognize this. I recognize that I need support. I do not know where to start... and was wondering if anyone is out there...

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Replies to This Discussion

Issac,
I am so sorry for what you're going through, I know because I lost the only love of my life.
Mark was suffering with seizure from a neurological disorder, he passed away while we were napping Sunday November 30th, 2014.
Our life together lasted 27 years, Mark was 50 when he passed and I am 68. He was my life, my soul mate my and best friend.
We lived in Florida until 2009 when I took a promotion and transfer to Dallas, Tx. Mark's health was slowly getting worse then it seemed to stabilize, with medications he took we decided that he should work from home, since my salary was enough to get by.
No matter how hard we tried we could not get him insured for medical expenses, so we had found a good doctor and we paid what we could when we could, except for his meds, I made sure we always had enough for them.
So now I am sad and lonely and since we moved to TX we stayed home and kept to ourselves. When he was feeling good we would take the train from Dallas to Ft. Worth. So we too did not have friends and his family turned away from him before we met.
Mark did not ever meet a stranger, he was smart, fun and spontaneous. Me, just the opposite.
The day he died, I didn't know what to do who to call, nor was I sure that I would survive this raw grief.
After the police and paramedics left I started crying worse to the point that I truly felt in danger. I called my aunt in Florida, I posted his passing on FB, and got a lot of meaningful calls and posts. Wasn't enough, so I went looking online for support groups, most were church supported, I just didn't feel like meeting strangers, then I found the Legacy site and posted for help both on the one for GLBT, and on a site within legacy for those who had lost a spouse.
I was glad I did, because on the site for loss of spouse, everyone reached out to me in volumes.
I can tell you that what you are feeling is normal for anyone experiencing raw grief, I know because I have felt the very same thing you are going through.
As time goes by we get better, one day at a time sometimes moment to moment.
The thing is there is no time or steps in grief. Each one of us is different, and we all progress differently.
I wish I could ease your pain or say something to make your heartache get better. I will keep you in my prayers thoughts.
Take your time, don't force yourself to hold it in, let it out. I lost count of the number of nights crying myself to sleep.
Looking back over the past 8 months I am better, still have bad days, am stronger and I still get sad, this is Ok, this is our mind helping cope.
Venting you thoughts and feelings helps you and those that read your posts.
For myself I knew that I didn't want to remain lonely and afraid of tomorrow so I set a goal for me to find a church. Finding a GLBT church was the easy part, it took me 7 months to show up.
Please know that you are not alone in this,
I don't have all the answers I am still finding my way through each day. I still go to work, I cry when I want to and I keep moving forward.
Issac, please hang in there it does get better, sending you lots of hugs cause you need them.
You have taken a step forward, stay in touch it helps each of us and you.
Steve
Isaac, you're not alone - you have us : )

I've been to Hawaii just once and it was for work and I wore a hooded parka the whole damn time. I saw nothing of Oahu that wasn't inside a giant seafood processing plant freezer. I learned very little about the islands, saw only the industrial port, a few fish auctioneers and products I was there to get photographed for the company website. A miserable trip and without my Tim. But I learned some local expressions. Ohana is one. It loosely translates to Family, was explained as it's common for someone to piece together their own family, one made up of blood relatives and friends, not limited to lineage. Maybe that's what you found here, maybe that's what you need. We're here for you.

I don't know what to do right now other than take things day-by-day.

My family all knew of us, but all of them are in such different points in their life, they do not fully comprehend me or my feelings. My father, my mother, my sister... all have their own lives...

His family, specifically his brother and his family, have been very close with him, and me.

They are all grieving the same, yet different than me... Some tensions already though.

I keep thinking, why him, why now, why this, why even me... this feeling I am having right now typing this is surreal, its like how can anyone explain how they feel loosing a loved one to such an accident?

How can anyone understand visiting the site where your partner died from a head on collision with another car less than 24 hours from when it happened?

It feels like he was just taken from me and our life... and now here I am...


Brad D said:

Isaac, I'm hearing you and feeling for you. While the details of our losses are different, the results are the same for us both. It was last Nov 6 that I watched his body take its last breath and it took several weeks for the shock to subside and the emotions to take over. The feelings you describe, the thoughts you are having...I know! I live them everyday, and the reality is sinking in that I will never be the same. I don't know what I can say to help you other than your feelings are not unusual. Keep reaching out but don't be surprised if those around you don't understand. I don't care how many books they've read, how many certificates or degrees they have, or how hard they try....nobody that has not experienced this will truly understand, nor can they. It's a human experience. I'm so sorry for your sudden loss. btw....I too am new to this site, and this is my first post.

My partner was 43 years difference than me. I hope I didn't blow anyone's socks off... but I am no longer scared of being who I am. Ive come out in a few ways because of this tragedy.

To be honest, its even a little bit hard to come on here still. But its a ways for me to vent a little.

In the next week, I am planning on moving out of FL back to the north east... I dont want to be there without him in our place anymore... Work has given me a go, even this short notice so that is good. I am glad my work is being supportive (to a degree). No one at work knew I was gay, let alone with someone...



Steve said:

Issac,
I am so sorry for what you're going through, I know because I lost the only love of my life.
Mark was suffering with seizure from a neurological disorder, he passed away while we were napping Sunday November 30th, 2014.
Our life together lasted 27 years, Mark was 50 when he passed and I am 68. He was my life, my soul mate my and best friend.
We lived in Florida until 2009 when I took a promotion and transfer to Dallas, Tx. Mark's health was slowly getting worse then it seemed to stabilize, with medications he took we decided that he should work from home, since my salary was enough to get by.
No matter how hard we tried we could not get him insured for medical expenses, so we had found a good doctor and we paid what we could when we could, except for his meds, I made sure we always had enough for them.
So now I am sad and lonely and since we moved to TX we stayed home and kept to ourselves. When he was feeling good we would take the train from Dallas to Ft. Worth. So we too did not have friends and his family turned away from him before we met.
Mark did not ever meet a stranger, he was smart, fun and spontaneous. Me, just the opposite.
The day he died, I didn't know what to do who to call, nor was I sure that I would survive this raw grief.
After the police and paramedics left I started crying worse to the point that I truly felt in danger. I called my aunt in Florida, I posted his passing on FB, and got a lot of meaningful calls and posts. Wasn't enough, so I went looking online for support groups, most were church supported, I just didn't feel like meeting strangers, then I found the Legacy site and posted for help both on the one for GLBT, and on a site within legacy for those who had lost a spouse.
I was glad I did, because on the site for loss of spouse, everyone reached out to me in volumes.
I can tell you that what you are feeling is normal for anyone experiencing raw grief, I know because I have felt the very same thing you are going through.
As time goes by we get better, one day at a time sometimes moment to moment.
The thing is there is no time or steps in grief. Each one of us is different, and we all progress differently.
I wish I could ease your pain or say something to make your heartache get better. I will keep you in my prayers thoughts.
Take your time, don't force yourself to hold it in, let it out. I lost count of the number of nights crying myself to sleep.
Looking back over the past 8 months I am better, still have bad days, am stronger and I still get sad, this is Ok, this is our mind helping cope.
Venting you thoughts and feelings helps you and those that read your posts.
For myself I knew that I didn't want to remain lonely and afraid of tomorrow so I set a goal for me to find a church. Finding a GLBT church was the easy part, it took me 7 months to show up.
Please know that you are not alone in this,
I don't have all the answers I am still finding my way through each day. I still go to work, I cry when I want to and I keep moving forward.
Issac, please hang in there it does get better, sending you lots of hugs cause you need them.
You have taken a step forward, stay in touch it helps each of us and you.
Steve

Thank you Andrew... 

Andrew McCullough said:

Isaac, you're not alone - you have us : )

I've been to Hawaii just once and it was for work and I wore a hooded parka the whole damn time. I saw nothing of Oahu that wasn't inside a giant seafood processing plant freezer. I learned very little about the islands, saw only the industrial port, a few fish auctioneers and products I was there to get photographed for the company website. A miserable trip and without my Tim. But I learned some local expressions. Ohana is one. It loosely translates to Family, was explained as it's common for someone to piece together their own family, one made up of blood relatives and friends, not limited to lineage. Maybe that's what you found here, maybe that's what you need. We're here for you.

Hello Issac

The responses that you have received from here have been spot on. There is nothing you can do but take it one day at a time. However - the best thing you are doing for yourself is reaching out to others for help. Shortly after my partner died in October of 2013 I told myself that "I was not going to go thru this alone". I found an excellent grief counselor and a wonderful bereavement support group sponsored by Home Health. Since this was the first gay death in the family I couldn't turn to my family for support because they had no idea how to handle this situation. Although I do have to admit most of my relatives did show up at the funeral which was a shocker.

I'm approaching the 2-year mark and I wish I could tell you that it will get easier... but I can't. The pain never goes away - you just learn to live with it. Just last week when I was riding my lawn mower I burst into tears because all I could think of was seeing him sitting on the porch in his favorite chair waving and smiling at me. I'm just now into my "anger phase" of my grief. It's not a fun phase as I didn't realize how angry I was that he left me, our 4 dogs and a farm to take of all by myself. One thing that I learned very quickly is when your partner dies your job description changes - everything is 100% your responsibility... and it sucks!

My advice to you is to keep reaching out to other people - you'll never know who's life you're going to touch or who will be the biggest help to you.

Hang in there - you do have support right here.

Don

How are you, Isaac?
That good, huh?

Sounds like you have a lot of plates to keep spinning while you pack them at the same time.
No not very good Andrew.

Still having lots of mood shifts. Lots of pacing, getting nervous. Today we finished cleaning his apartment. I had been there almost daily since. It smells just like him. It was hard leaving and being there today. Many memories brought back. Me and his favorite nephew. We shared some tears and stories.

Work has been very hard to focus.I had been working remotely this week, but my bosses understand my situation.

Leaving and now starting my move tomorrow.... I miss my man.

I hear ya.  Exhausting, isn't it?  Your body crashes but you don't really sleep.  For the first couple months I was out-of-body, could see me doing things and hear myself speak but it was as though I were floating a little above and behind my physical being.  Creepy. 

And disappointing - I never knew my butt was that big.

I've sent you a friend thingy from this site - can privately message contact info that way if you choose, especially during your long schlep back up the coast.

Lift with your knees,

Andrew

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