Gay and lesbians who have lost partners

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Gay and lesbians who have lost partners

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Members: 190
Latest Conversations: Jul 22

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Another Excellent Group is now on Facebook

Started by Robert Davis Jul 13. 0 Replies

https://www.facebook.com/groups/LGBTgriefsupport/ Last year, one of the folks here, Niel, was looking for a more responsive and easier…Continue

Still missing him...

Started by Malcolm Alexander. Last reply by Malcolm Alexander Jun 30. 2 Replies

From the first moment we laid eyes on each other, it was love. The first thing he said to me was, "You know I am in love with you?" How crazy! Of course I already knew that! My reply, "And I love you…Continue

Suddenly gone, my Ben

Started by Danny N. Last reply by Rad Jun 1. 11 Replies

Hi Everyone,I'm thankful to have found a space like this where I can share my story.Today marks the second week I've been grieving over my fiancee, Ben. I turned 30 this year and he turned 38. We've…Continue

Tags: sudden, husband, gay

6 months went by and something released in me. Still VERY ANGRY but able to function

Started by robert j crowley. Last reply by H43 Apr 28. 11 Replies

So - yes 6 mos passed on May 4.  A week or so later I did feel something inside me let go in some way - I want to live and enjoy life again.  I can't go back and that part of me that thinks I can is…Continue

Tags: looking, relationship, new, alone, angry

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Comment by JAMES WOODARD on April 27, 2017 at 2:10pm

Thanks to all of you for the heart felt words.  I will definitely visit the FB group.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 26, 2017 at 8:41pm

Hello James,

I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Mark. I lost my husband Larry two years ago April 22. Today I visited the plot where his ashes are interred for the first time in these two years, and was feeling quite emotional and unsettled tonight when I saw your post. It feels as if I was supposed to see it and tell you something - and I feel like this is it...my dearest friend6 months after I lost Larry, said the same thing to me that is being said to you by those who love you, are worried, and just don't know how to help. For them it's that feeling helpless that makes them pray for you to find some peace and support someplace. I believe their prayers were answered when you found Legacy, just the way I did 18 months ago.

There is so much I want to say to try to offer some comfort, but I will keep it simple and simply share that the friendship, understanding, and compassion I have experienced here saved my sanity, and probably my life. I mostly interact with another group, Bereaved Spouses (Larry and I were together 32 years when I lost him to cancer), which ended up being the first group I saw. Even though I later saw this group, I had found a family there who still have my back, and our loving members there are generous and gentle in their comments and stories. 

I do hope this site helps you find some peace as it did for me, and if you allow yourself to think of the place you now find yourself as the beginning of a new path along which you will meet people here who truly understand your grieving because we all are on the very same path. They have walked beside me, held me up when the tears wouldn't stop, and patiently guided me with their experiences and knowledge of my feelings and fears - and deep abiding sadness. Share freely, James, know you are surrounded by a circle here the other group refers to as "angels". and I do believe they are.

Take care of yourself, and don't feel alone in your grief - because we are all here when you need us.

With love,

Chuck

Comment by Gregg Yazzie on April 26, 2017 at 4:30pm

James, I too feel your pain. Your story is loving and heartbreaking. As Janet mentioned, try out the grief support group on FB. There are many who have very similar experiences and it helps to know you are not alone in this journey of grief. Peace, love, and hugs to you. Gregg

Comment by John Arabie on April 26, 2017 at 4:17pm
Not sure if Im responding correctly but I wanted to tell James how sorry I am for his loss. What a handsome couple you are. My heart goes out to you. I find it difficult to talk about my loss. Hugs to you.
Comment by Janet Angelone on April 26, 2017 at 3:08pm

Hi James. So sorry for your loss of Mark. I used to come here to get support but moved to FB.  Go to this link. This is an awesome support group. Please join us. We have members from all over and we ALL understand and support each other.  www.facebook.com/groups/LGBTgriefsupport/

Many hugs James. Hope to see you soon at FB! ❤❤

Comment by JAMES WOODARD on April 26, 2017 at 2:40pm

Hi. My name is James (left in pic). My partner's name was Mark (right in pic). I'm 53 he was 58. He passed away due to complication to heart surgery March 4, 2017.  We had 9 beautiful years together. I am finding it very hard to accept the fact that he is no longer here.  I can't sleep. I'm not eating right. I have these emotional outburst that I can't control. I cry myself to sleep every night and it's really affecting my job. His Mom and my friends are really worried about me and wants me to seek help. We use to do everything together. I know people say it will get better in time. But my heart fills like it has a hole in it. I talk to him some nights. I think about what could I have done different? He wasn't suppose to have surgery until this May 2017 but his symptoms got worse. He got to the point where he couldn't walk up a flight of stairs and could not walk from the office parking lot to his work. They started getting him a wheel chair to and from his car. So the surgery was moved up to this past February.  He was only suppose to be in the hospital for 4 days. It turned into 3 weeks. I will never forget that day when the doctor called me to another room and said he will not make it through the night. I called his family in and made the doctors tell them. 4 hours later he was gone. I stood by his bed side until he took his last breath. My heart was broken. I never thought I would be going through this so soon. I try to remember the great memories we had and there were many. But all I see is him laying in the hospital bed hooked up to that damn machine breathing for him. One time that took him off the ventilator to see if he could breath on his on. And he did! We all knew that was the turn around. I sat at his bed and he looked at me and said you have been crying? He told me not to cry he was gonna be alright. Well the next day breathing issues started again and had to put him back on that machine. 3 days later he was gone. I thought how could this be happening he said he was gonna be fine. Thanks for listening guys.

Comment by Neil Do on September 13, 2016 at 12:52am

I've started an LGBT Facebook grief group to make it easier to post, share & support one another.

www.facebook.com/groups/LGBTgriefsupport/

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 20, 2016 at 9:25am

Hello Michael,

I am glad you are continuing to post here, and I sincerely hope we will be a  source of comfort and community through your most difficult journey.

I was in the hospital, two floors above Larry, who was downstairs unresponsive in the ICU when he passed. I had been admitted two weeks earlier, and there was some debate whether I would survive my critical liver failure that had been progressing rapidly during the last months of Larry's battle. He had been begging me to go the the doctor because it was obvious something was very wrong, but I stubbornly refused, saying we had quite enough doctors in our life, thank you, and we'd worry about my health after his last round of chemo.

We also had prior directives in place, and when I was informed that he had been brought in that morning, I was facing a day fully scheduled with tests and procedures for which I had been thoroughly  prepped. The nurses kept telling me they would keep me informed of his condition, but I never got to see him before 7:00 that evening when he passed.

So I am familiar with how easy it is to beat yourself up over decisions made, actions not taken, and questions of how I might have handled everything differently. Would I somehow have been able to get my own health under better control and then have been there for Larry when he needed me most? Why did he have to spend his final weeks worrying about me, when it should have been the other way around? Michael, I'm sorry to tell you something you already know in your heart...those questions will be with us for the rest of our days.

But please believe me when I tell you this - as trite as it always sounds, time does allow for healing - there is no timetable for everyone, and our paths vary from person to person - but my experience here has been, and continues to be, that sharing our grief, our fears, and especially our tears, brings a relief from the loneliness that seems suffocating for us sometimes.

I pray that you will find each day a small moment of calm to allow that healing to continue - my friend, it has already begun - it started with your first post here.

Wishing everyone here a peaceful day, and sending to all a hug -

Chuck

Comment by Michael Reed on July 19, 2016 at 6:45pm

Hello again ! Thank you charles and thank you don for the words of encouragement. It means alot. Monday was a very difficult day . it was 4 months to the day that I lost Keith.  He was in CCU  for 10 days, for a few days , I was hopeful cause he was responding to my voice and I was thinking to myself, everything will be okay. We will get thru this together , like we always do. but half way thru the 10 days , he took a turn for the worse and stopped responding.  On the 9th day , I had to make the hardest  decision that I thought I would never have to make. I knew what he wanted , cause we had talked about it years before. telling each other that we both didn't want  to live on a machine. But even with talking about it , it still doesn't prepare you to make that decision. After the burial , I beat myself up trying to figure out what I could have done different , see I'm in the medical field and I was thinking that there had to be something that I could have done different or sooner and Keith would still be by my side. But I couldn't . So now life doesn't seem worth going thru. It is like all the enjoyment of living life died with him, and I am left adrift in a boat  on an  ocean that has no end. But I am just taking it day by day and most times minute by minute. Well I better close for now. Just got home from work. Take care. Michael 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 19, 2016 at 9:02am

Hello Michael,

I 'm very sorry for the loss of Keith in March. I lost my husband of 32 years, Larry, in April of 2015. I know how you are feeling this new to your grief, and wish to say that this site has been wonderfully supportive for me in getting through the roughest times. I mostly post on another group, and write many pieces that are attempts to express my feelings in a way that may be interpreted by anyone in light of their own personal journey. I offer this one from a while ago for you, and everyone here, to describe my attempts to keep going through the grief and tears, and how Legacy, and the caring friends I have made here, have become the safe place I turn to when I'm in trouble...

HIGH WIRE ACT

 

You can feel their eyes on you – from the darkness that surrounds you their whispers sound like wind blowing through dry leaves.

 

“Will he fall? Look! He’s leaning…oh surely he’s going to fall!”

 

You carefully place one foot in front of you, feeling the subtle shift of weight as you tell yourself to stay calm, to keep breathing, to avoid sudden moves.

 

There is a sharp intake of breath from the watchers as you sense your delicate balance start slipping. You freeze, and you wait…until you find your center of gravity delineating the difference between this world and the next.

 

“How does he stay up there? He must have years of practice!”

 

No, there is no practicing – no rehearsal – not for this unplanned walk that you perform cold.

 

“How can he see that tiny wire in this blackness? He must have night vision!”

 

No, you’re completely blind – you have no idea where you are, or what stretches before you.

 

“He’s so brave, doing this without a safety net!”

 

But they’re wrong – there is a safety net – they just can’t see it .You could never do this walk without it – your fear would be paralyzing…you would be stuck here alone in this dark void, powerless to move forward.

 

So you get ready to take another tentative step, ignoring their skeptical eyes and whispered doubts that you’ll survive this perilous journey.

 

You place one foot in front of you, then the other – knowing that when the balance starts to shift you have your safety net…you can type the words “Hello dear friends…”

 

 

 I hope this helps you, and maybe others here, to fell less alone in the struggle to get through our days -

Wishing a peaceful day to all,

Chuck

 

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