Gay and lesbians who have lost partners


Gay and lesbians who have lost partners

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Looking for people who can understand my loss

Started by Amanda. Last reply by Ellen Kotler Feb 22. 9 Replies

Hello, my name is Amanda. I lost my partner over 3 years ago. It was a sudden and unexpected loss. I'm still grieving and struggling with it. I came on here hoping to find people who could understand…Continue


Started by April Fiorillo. Last reply by Care Johnson Feb 21. 2 Replies

Lost my ex girlfriend to cancer and a brain aneurysm and it burst. Was with her many years, having a very hard time moving forward. You see she called me and died on the phone while we were talking,…Continue

Another Excellent Group is now on Facebook

Started by Robert Davis. Last reply by Pauline Overton Nov 4, 2018. 2 Replies Last year, one of the folks here, Niel, was looking for a more responsive and easier…Continue

He saved me - now he's gone who will save me now?

Started by robert j crowley. Last reply by Pauline Overton Nov 4, 2018. 20 Replies

I already know the textbook answer is that "I must save myself."  So for me those text book answers seem so impossible.  in June of 2007 I met Richard - and we were never apart until he passed on…Continue

Tags: alone, desperate, Lost

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Comment by Richard Straughn on June 13, 2012 at 4:49pm

Not much help here.  I'm moving on to something else.  Thanks to those who have discussed and shared.

Comment by Brian Taylor on April 4, 2012 at 10:01pm
I lost my best friend and husband of 14 years, Eric, suddenly, only one week ago today. The last week has been filled with tears, pain and sadness like I have never known before. He died in our home while I desperately tried to resuscitate him. I have not been able to sleep as I relive the trauma when I close my eyes. I feel hopeless and lost.
Comment by Nancy Kennedy on April 2, 2012 at 9:08pm

I lost my partner of 28.5 years on March 3rd. She had aortic dissection, not an uncommon condition for black women, who are lean & athletic. We lived life "one day at a time," as I just retired & she was counting down until we could retire to our recently purchased house near the beach. Although some days are terribly hard, her spirit pervades me and assists me in dealing with my elderly parents who both have types of dementia and live in a well-run Seniors' facility that still necessitates familial involvement. So, "one day at a time" becomes "one second at a time." The outpouring of love for her transcended so many cultural groups which was a testament that MLK's dream can be achieved "even if the stage is but the merging of all life's contradictions!

Comment by Scott Hankins on March 26, 2012 at 3:41am
I am so sorry for everyone's loss is never easy in whatever form. I lost my finance Don June 10,2011 he was 47. He was the love of my life. He took his own life, it was such a surprise. Most of his life was spent as social worker, untill two years ago when he finished seminary  school. He worked as a pastor at the local prison. At the time of his death we lived apart. He had moved back to his native town for his children which I fully supported. The weekend before he passed his daughter finally agreed to move to AZ where I live. She had already been through so much with a terrible mom. We were so excited to be back under the same roof again. He showed no signs, we spoke daily on the phone and email. Seems like so many after suicide say why did I not see it, but I have searched every conversation for some sign I missed. His 21 year old son found him. That alone kills me to think he will now spend his entire life with that image of his dad. It should have been me to have taken that burden. Don left no note as to why. Leaving us all to wonder everyday as to why. His family allowed me to go to the services, excluding the burial (family only). I tried to find help in therapy but all they did was give me pills to take. I can not seem to get passed anger and the question why. His daughter who I am very close to has stayed in contact, his son does not seem to want anything to do with me. Don was much older than me I am only 27. My family who accepts me very well thinks since we were not living together at the time that the relationship did not exist. I am so frustrated at defending our relationship to people. Everyone just says at least he did not do it at your house. At least if he was home I could have had one last hug and kiss. I miss him so much, how do u deal with such pain?
Comment by Mike Schopp on March 16, 2012 at 10:48pm

I am a gay who has lost a dear friend.  I agree there is little gay bereavement support however, if you are available April 12-15 in Phoenix there is a truly spiritual event that has brought deep solace to those who have lost loved ones:

Comment by Rich on February 12, 2012 at 2:19pm

Karen, my deepest condolences to you, and all the poster's on this group. We are all part of club that we never wanted membership too.

 I lost my boyfriend  of 8.5 years when he died from a car accident driving to work last November.  Since we were not out to our families, or respective co-workers, it made it all the more hard to bear.  Our mutual friends knew and initially supported me, but now nearly 3 months later (with the exception of 1 friend) it's crickets.  It's like I don't even exist anymore and are bad luck.  Part of me thinks that those who are coupled saw me and know that this is what one of them will face, and can't be near me because it makes them think about what is eventually going to happen.    2 books that I read that helped me make some sense of things are:    "I wasn't ready to say goodbye" and "How to go on living when someone you love dies".  

Thanks to all of you who post here, it makes me feel like I am not going crazy. 

Comment by Karen Britt on February 11, 2012 at 5:42pm

Hello.  My name is Karen and I lost my partner, Jules, two weeks ago from cancer.  She had a stroke in October and a CT revealed stage 4 cancer.  I miss her so much and have been looking for a group such as this. 

Comment by Stan Dunn on November 22, 2011 at 10:33pm

Thank you, Jeanne, for taking the time to start this site.  When I lost my soulmate nearly 7 years ago there was no group in the Bay Area to turn to.  My friends, family and coworkers were all extremely supportive, but after a few weeks it becomes fairly clear that the subject becomes uncomfortable.  I had a hard time believing that our community had no support groups for grieving widows and widowers of same-sex relationships.  Anyway, this forum was long overdue, and I am grateful to you for bringing it into our lives.

For those who have lost your mate recently, it does get better.  Don't think you have to 'get over it' or 'move on' (two phrases I truly despise) but you can come to terms with the loss and learn to accept these new circumstances. 

I lost my soulmate Steve 7 years ago next month, and there is still a significant sense of loss in my life (that is, a huge gaping hole in my heart).  I hope to give and gain support here.  Thanks again for being around.


Comment by William Kotowski on August 28, 2011 at 7:41pm
My partner died the morning after Thanksgiving 2010, in our bed, unexpectedly.  We met 23 yrs ago when we were both 21. We were together everyday after that day.  I have everything I ever wanted except my best friend and lover.  I tried to find a gay support group for widowers in my area but found nothing. Not even the Gay Crisis Center! Everything & one was about seeing a therapist which I already do, but I want to talk to gay men that have lost their soul mate.
Comment by Christopher Ruggles on July 14, 2011 at 3:29am

Mike, as with everyone here, I am very sorry for your loss.  My husband and I also had a bit of an age difference between us.  We were also home-bodies who enjoyed spending time in the pool reading, cooking, entertaining and just spending time together.  The massage/yoga released so much that I didn't realize I was holding in.


My husband took his own life on June 7th.  He had been depressed off and on over the years that we were together, but I had no idea he was in such a pit of despair.  That fact alone makes this all the more painful.  Not that any of our losses is more than the other; it just makes each one a bit different.  No one can truly understand "exactly" what we're going through.  We do, however, have similarities that we can build upon and help each other.


I read "Good Grief" by Deborah Morris Coryell.  It was a very good book and one I recommend.  In it, she talks about that empty feeling that we suddenly have right at the beginning.  Where it feels like you've been shot through with a cannon.  Her description of the cause of this was very profound to me.  She says that this is caused by the vessel holding our divine spark suddenly shattering and releasing that fire.  Throughout our relationships, that slow-burning fire is our love for that other person.  The sudden loss of that person seems to suddenly release that fire, leaving a completely empty space which is physically felt.


I know that I am going to have a lot of bad days in the coming months.  I know that I am going to have some good days scattered in there too.  The memories of all those times we shared fill the good days.  The finality of the situation feeds the bad days.  Everyone says that it will get better as time goes on.  Right now in my emotional state, as I'm sure you feel as well, I don't believe them.  But there has to be some kernel of truth in there otherwise the saying wouldn't have lasted all these years as it has.


When I was very young, I was a singer.  Not professionally, but I was always in choir and always singing at every opportunity.  In my late teens I stopped altogether because someone in my life told me I wasn't very good.  So I never sang again.  That is until my husband, Barry, heard me singing quietly to myself one day when I was cleaning.  I didn't know he was home.  He pushed me to start singing again.  He would pick songs for me to sing around the house for him.  He encouraged me to go out and sing at karaoke.  I eventually found my voice again thanks to him.  Every song I have sung in the last ten years has been for him.  The day he died I swore I wouldn't sing again.  Then last week, for no apparent reason, a song caught my attention and spoke to the heart of me.  I got home, found an instrumental version on YouTube and recorded it.  I posted it on my YT channel with a message of thanks to Barry.  Each day, there has been another song that has demanded to be heard.  So I record them and post them.  Each one has a message of thanks attached to it.  I finally got his suicide note from the police on Monday.  In the note he thanks me "for the music and the memories."  I know now why these songs keep appearing each day.  It's just another sign from him.


This post has gotten incredibly long, so I'll end it here.


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