Gay and lesbians who have lost partners


Gay and lesbians who have lost partners

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Looking for people who can understand my loss

Started by Amanda. Last reply by Amy Bartola Sep 3. 10 Replies

Hello, my name is Amanda. I lost my partner over 3 years ago. It was a sudden and unexpected loss. I'm still grieving and struggling with it. I came on here hoping to find people who could understand…Continue


Started by April Fiorillo. Last reply by Care Johnson Feb 21. 2 Replies

Lost my ex girlfriend to cancer and a brain aneurysm and it burst. Was with her many years, having a very hard time moving forward. You see she called me and died on the phone while we were talking,…Continue

Another Excellent Group is now on Facebook

Started by Robert Davis. Last reply by Pauline Overton Nov 4, 2018. 2 Replies Last year, one of the folks here, Niel, was looking for a more responsive and easier…Continue

He saved me - now he's gone who will save me now?

Started by robert j crowley. Last reply by Pauline Overton Nov 4, 2018. 20 Replies

I already know the textbook answer is that "I must save myself."  So for me those text book answers seem so impossible.  in June of 2007 I met Richard - and we were never apart until he passed on…Continue

Tags: alone, desperate, Lost

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Comment by Michael Reed on July 19, 2016 at 6:45pm

Hello again ! Thank you charles and thank you don for the words of encouragement. It means alot. Monday was a very difficult day . it was 4 months to the day that I lost Keith.  He was in CCU  for 10 days, for a few days , I was hopeful cause he was responding to my voice and I was thinking to myself, everything will be okay. We will get thru this together , like we always do. but half way thru the 10 days , he took a turn for the worse and stopped responding.  On the 9th day , I had to make the hardest  decision that I thought I would never have to make. I knew what he wanted , cause we had talked about it years before. telling each other that we both didn't want  to live on a machine. But even with talking about it , it still doesn't prepare you to make that decision. After the burial , I beat myself up trying to figure out what I could have done different , see I'm in the medical field and I was thinking that there had to be something that I could have done different or sooner and Keith would still be by my side. But I couldn't . So now life doesn't seem worth going thru. It is like all the enjoyment of living life died with him, and I am left adrift in a boat  on an  ocean that has no end. But I am just taking it day by day and most times minute by minute. Well I better close for now. Just got home from work. Take care. Michael 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 19, 2016 at 9:02am

Hello Michael,

I 'm very sorry for the loss of Keith in March. I lost my husband of 32 years, Larry, in April of 2015. I know how you are feeling this new to your grief, and wish to say that this site has been wonderfully supportive for me in getting through the roughest times. I mostly post on another group, and write many pieces that are attempts to express my feelings in a way that may be interpreted by anyone in light of their own personal journey. I offer this one from a while ago for you, and everyone here, to describe my attempts to keep going through the grief and tears, and how Legacy, and the caring friends I have made here, have become the safe place I turn to when I'm in trouble...



You can feel their eyes on you – from the darkness that surrounds you their whispers sound like wind blowing through dry leaves.


“Will he fall? Look! He’s leaning…oh surely he’s going to fall!”


You carefully place one foot in front of you, feeling the subtle shift of weight as you tell yourself to stay calm, to keep breathing, to avoid sudden moves.


There is a sharp intake of breath from the watchers as you sense your delicate balance start slipping. You freeze, and you wait…until you find your center of gravity delineating the difference between this world and the next.


“How does he stay up there? He must have years of practice!”


No, there is no practicing – no rehearsal – not for this unplanned walk that you perform cold.


“How can he see that tiny wire in this blackness? He must have night vision!”


No, you’re completely blind – you have no idea where you are, or what stretches before you.


“He’s so brave, doing this without a safety net!”


But they’re wrong – there is a safety net – they just can’t see it .You could never do this walk without it – your fear would be paralyzing…you would be stuck here alone in this dark void, powerless to move forward.


So you get ready to take another tentative step, ignoring their skeptical eyes and whispered doubts that you’ll survive this perilous journey.


You place one foot in front of you, then the other – knowing that when the balance starts to shift you have your safety net…you can type the words “Hello dear friends…”



 I hope this helps you, and maybe others here, to fell less alone in the struggle to get through our days -

Wishing a peaceful day to all,


Comment by Don Fournier on July 19, 2016 at 4:42am

Hi Michael

I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing your partner so quickly is so devastating and brutal. I feel your struggle. As much as I hate to say this it will get better. I lost my partner of 17 years almost 3 years ago and I now can look back and see how much stronger I've become. This will happen to you. I'm glad to hear you had all your paperwork together because that does make the process much easier. Take comfort in your dogs - they need you. We had 4 corgis and every day they love to see me come home from work. They have been my hope to keep pushing on knowing they needed me to take care of them.

Treasure the memories and know that he will always be with you. I know it sounds cliche but they do come in and out of your life when you least expect it. The love you have with your partner is very special and it will get your through those rough times.

Crying is part of the process. I still do it from time to time. Be kind to yourself. What you're going through is one of the hardest things you'll experience. Some days I still wake up and ask God why do I have to go through this. There is a reason - heck there are many reasons but you'll figure that out in time.

One thing I have realized about myself.... I'm a hell of lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. And hopefully you will say the same to yourself. Give yourself all the time you need. It does get better.

Hang in there - this is a great place to get support. Stay in touch. Don

Comment by Michael Reed on July 18, 2016 at 9:37am

Good Morning. My name is Michael and I am new here. I lost my partner Keith in march of this year after 16 of the most wonderful years of my life. He suffered a massive stroke on March 8 , while we were getting ready to go to work and my life would never be the same. We had prepared for something like this , had our will's made and power of attorney's for each other. Taking care of his parents in their last days helped us prepare(paperwork wise). But nothing prepares you for losing your soul mate and best friend. I have struggled with his passing . going back to work has helped some but it hurts everytime I come home to a empty house. It has been hard with everyday things. I  catch myself waiting on him to come home from work, to hear his voice or to feel his touch but it never happens. I'm crying as I type this , so forgive me if i misspell something. I feel so lost without him. I have no family near me, except his sister and niece , who have been wonderful and who I consider family. But my blood family all live 6 hours away. Our friends where thru him , he never met a stranger. LOL ! We have 3 wonderful dogs and they have kept me going . If it was not for them , I don't know where I would be. I feel like I'm on automatic, some days I have to force myself to do something. I'm just so lost without him. Well I better close for now , I cant stop crying . Thanks for letting me voice somethings here. hoping this site helps, since there are no other groups that I know off. 

Comment by Gregg Yazzie on June 8, 2016 at 11:08am

Thanks for your thoughts Janet. That is a nice pic of you two Which are you?  I am still crying daily (mostly at work). Today, Joe has actually been in heaven for 1 month. I don't know how I should feel. Happy that he has been in heaven for a whole month now or sad because its already been a whole month and I don't feel that its been that long. I'm feeling the latter now. Crying now as I type. I have been attending grief support groups , but have not been to a LGBT one yet. I think it may be beneficial, but I will see. They are not held as frequent as the regular ones. I have finally found a 1:1 grief counselor, but wont see him until June 20th. They are fully booked around here. I am still trying to find "my way". Its been an emotional roller coater to say the least. I've been feeling really down since this past Memorial day holiday.It was then I realized how Joe isn't coming home.   It was a long weekend for me and I dread other weekends alone. His birthday is coming up on July 4 and I don't know what I will do alone. When I pull into the garage after a work day, the first thing I see is Joe's car and I am used to thinking "Oh good, Joe's home". Then a get hit and recall that isn't the case. I just miss him so much and it still hurts so bad. One or two of our friends want to take me out "for drinks", but I don't want to do that . I feel it will depress me further. Joe was the fun guy and he did most of the talking when we did socialize. Most of our friends were through Joe. I have been meaning to write you back earlier Janet and sorry for not doing so. Love and peace to you.    

Comment by Janet Angelone on May 31, 2016 at 8:22pm


I am so sorry for your loss! I know it won't really help any but, I experienced the exact same feelings you are! I really believed I was going to jump out of my skin. That is how anxious, depressed and overwhelmed I was when I lost Judy (21 years) in October (also to cancer). Just like you, I only have a few close friends but, relationships with others change from the loss of a loved one. It has now been almost 6 months and I can actually live with myself. Do I like it? No, not at all. I found a need to go to counseling (which I still do) and ended up joining a grief share support group. The support group has shown me that however I chose to grieve, I am really 'normal'. Besides being a support group, you also get faith based guidance to set you on a wellness path. How I got through the first few months, was to make a list of 3 or 4 things I could get done that day. And, I made myself get those things done. Just small tasks in the beginning. For you, I hope some of this helps you! You really will find your way!

Comment by Gregg Yazzie on May 31, 2016 at 5:11pm

In AZ too Rad and Arvin. It’s been a little over 3 weeks (May 8, 2016) since I lost Joe to cancer and it really, really hurts. My heart/chest ache constantly and I feel nervous all the time. I am on Zoloft, but I can’t tell if that is helping me or not. His cremains are in my living room next to his picture and I talk to him in that way daily. I miss him so much. We went through the hospice home care for the last 2 weeks of his life and I saw him slowly and then quickly decline in health in our home. I know from him and others that he did not want me to hurt. He told me before that he was worried about me and wondered who would take care of me.  I thought I could handle it and I told him that I would be okay. I’m not. The only comfort I get is when I think that he is no longer always tired, or sick, or in pain. He is now with God and his passed relatives. I now live alone in a house that was already too big for us and it feels so empty. He used to cook meals for me while I worked. Now, I don’t even cook for myself and have problems keeping up with chores and daily life. We really didn’t establish a friendship network, so I don’t have many close friends to confide in and my siblings all live far away. I did have friends over this weekend to keep me company and it just was not the same.  I have lost my parents and others, but this far outweighs the sadness, loneliness, and desperation I am feeling now. I am used to calling Joe every day for whatever reason, just to hear his voice. I now cry a lot when I want to do just that. There’s no one at the other end now. Please someone, tell me what you may have done to lessen the pain. I do still work, but it only preoccupies part of my days and I find I don’t talk as much at work because I am not “out” at work. Bless you all.

Comment by Rad on February 17, 2016 at 8:08am
Hello, I'm living in Arizona; originally from Malaysia. It has been close to 2 months now since I lost my soul mate, 'Akota Summer-Ray Bochenclinii (February 5, 1997- December 31, 2015)...My story starts like this:

I know 'Akota through school, he was my close friend. We were just friends for a year and nothing more than that. I was straight at that time, and had never explored my sexual orientation. We were so close in school and we talked about every and anything to each other. One day, he said that he liked me, I said that I like him a lot as a friend too and I just changed topic. Somewhere in November 2015, 'Ako was selected by the school PI to go perform some research back in NM, where he was originally from. I was a little sad that he will be leaving and he will only be back on January 19th 2016.

While he was driving to NM, I called him and talked to him on the phone to keep him from sleeping all the way, he was on Bluetooth wireless so I'm ok with that. It was so nice talking to him. I feel really weird as I really miss his presence. I started texting him daily and talked to him everyday while he was in NM. One day, I just feel that he is really special and I popped the question saying that I do not like him, but I love him so so much and he will be the first guy and last I'll ever love. He was so shocked, yet was so happy and cried on the phone as he was waiting for this day so badly and he is really happy that we are officially boyfriends. I broke my rule #1 - no relationship till graduate with a bachelors; but that was the best rule I had ever broken!

We talked every night, everything was so sweet. Thanksgiving past, Christmas came and we talked so much more and every conversation we had day by day just made our relationship grew stronger. He even told his mom about me and he wanted me to meet them in the summer after I graduate in my associates at SCC. I'm so excited! We have the most random topics for every conversations and they all lasted for more than 2 hours.

I was in LA during New Year's Eve with my friend from Malaysia. He will driving to CO from NM to celebrate with some of his family members. I called him on 12/29/2015 and spoke to him for almost 1 hour and he will be back to his second house in NM which has no signal. "I'll call you when I'm in CO during New Year's Eve babe, I love you!" He said.

New Year's Eve night, I did not hear anything from him, not a text or phone call. I was super worried. I kept calling his phone and there's no answer! Day by day passed... It was then 01/04/2016! I finally got a text from his number:

"Mr. Rad. Hi, I'm Martin, 'Ako's uncle. 'Akota was in a vehicle accident while on the way to Denver on New Year's Eve. And I'm sorry to let you know that he is no longer with us. We had his funeral this morning. Again, we are sorry... Best."

I was shocked, I almost fainted, I tried to grasp for air, and I just started balling! I can't believe that my boyfriend is dead. I will never be able to see him as my boyfriend in person, never get to hold his hand, never get to give him his first kiss. My boyfriend died a virgin. I tried to contact his family members but they did not reply my texts as they are mourning deeply. Shortly, his phone number was cut off. I was never able to see his family members or his grave. I only have few pictures of him. I will never see him again. Luckily, he did left me quite a few voicemails when I missed his calls and I still listen to them daily.

I know that he is in a better place right now but I still miss him dearly. I talk to him every night. And I tell him that I love him everyday like I used to. It is the 7th week now.... All the plans for the future we had, is now cancelled. But the memories of him and our relationship will always be in my mind. I love you 'Akota.
Comment by Steve G. on February 3, 2016 at 11:23pm
You have my deepest sympathies for what you are going thru. Words cannot begin to describe the pain we feel about our lost loved one.
I would like to tell you that over time we don't really get over it, our mind and body takes over so that we learn to live and cope with our loss. We are changed from who we were to someone different.
It has been 1 year and 2 months sine I lost my Mark. We were together for 27 wonderful years. He to passed away in his sleep while we were napping.
What you are experiencing is raw grief, let it out and do not be ashamed, remember all the good things and live one day at a time.
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Comment by Arvin Bain on February 3, 2016 at 1:06pm

Good Morning Group.  My name is Arvin & I live in Arizona.  I found this group & this forum in an effort to cope & maybe understand or come to terms with my loss.  I lost my partner, the love of my life, of 10 yrs on December 4, 2015.  He had health issues with his liver & a medicine he was inadvertently prescribed took his life on Nov. 12, 2015, He had a serious negative reactions to it that eventually took his life after 2 ½ wks in the hospital.  He spent his last days in ICU's in 2 hospitals & I was right there at his side all the time.  It's very emotional for me to write this out because it becomes all too real again so please bear with me. I was fortunate to have been with him every day at the 1st hospital but when they transferred him out to a specialist hospital hundreds of miles away, I was only able to get to him in the nick of time to see the medical staff put him on a respirator.  I had only reached the hospital by car and made it to the hospital ward with no more than 30 seconds to spear.  I was only able to tell him, "I'm here now.  I'm here.  Be strong.  Don't be scared. I love you.  You know I love you... I love you.  I'm here.  I'll be right here."  He replied, "Okay Arv, let them put this stuff on me then you can all come back in."  That was it.  I was then escorted and ask to leave the room while they put him under for the procedure. The rest of the day, his vitals declined until there was no more hope left but to prepare for the obvious.  His parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, several cousins and uncles who were fortunate were able to be with us that morning.  Unlike me, they got to spend a whole evening & night with him.  I'm being told that he shared things with them which probably gave them better closure but I was only given a short time to say those last words to him.  The doctors gave us no options for his recovery & eventually they started asking his parents what they would like to do.  In his failing condition, it was either leave him in his coma & wait for him to eventually go into cardiac arrest or pull life support & allow him to "pass peacefully."  His parents asked me what I thought we should do but I was not going to let him go so easily.  I felt like even though they were his parents and family, I somehow had more vested in this decision because I was his partner & they knew this.  However, after several hours of discussions & more doctors’ interruptions, I had to finally let them make their decision as mom & dad.  As the evening progressed, his parents finally made the decision to remove him from life support & he drifted out 10 mins. later.  I was there to the very end holding his hand, rubbing his forehead & stroking his hair, trying my best to comfort him as he passed.  I'm not sure if he knew I was there but that's one of the things that kills me the most about this.  I don't know if he knew what was happening to him.  We all cried and broke down.  It was literally, the saddest thing & day in my ENTIRE life.  It's been 2 months exactly since he left & I'm on a continuous roller coaster of dread, panic/anxiety, grief, loneliness, heartache & depression.  I've been talking to people & some understand but others are only being nice.  Most people knew of our relationship & the amount of time we spent together.  Still I cry almost daily & I just can't seem to find a way to feel OK anymore.


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