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Comment by Don Fournier on October 30, 2014 at 3:20am

Lisa

I've kept a journal by my bedside for a year now and every so often I go back and read what I was feeling last year. Its a helpful reminder on how well I've done coping with my loss. It doesn't take the pain away but it is a good outlet for me. My partner's words to me "you'll be fine" always got me through the really tough times and as much as I hate to admit he's right.... well he's right. Everyday I get up and say "ok what am I facing today" and then I tackle it head on. Some days are better than others but I keep pushing myself.

It's only been a year for me and now that my head is finally coming out of the fog I'm starting to remember all the little things he use to do to make me laugh - he was quite the character. He had a great attitude about "laughing through life" and that spirit helps me through my rough days. I miss him terribly but I know he's around me... I feel him. Take care - Don

Comment by Lisa on October 29, 2014 at 7:44pm

Erick and Don,

Appreciate what you've shared and that you reached out. In my relationship with Kelly, of 11+ years, 7 of those were spent worrying about/fighting cancer. Granted it didn't become 'terminal' right away but nevertheless, the "C" word as I've called it sometimes, is a terrible partner in a relationship. It's hard for me to believe it's going on 5 years, next Feb. Very sorry for your losses, both of you. It is so different to be able to talk to others who know what it's like. Early on for me, when I was sobbing, soul crying, in bed at night, someone recommended that I write Kelly. I did this and it helped...then. These days, writing does help me some. I creatively write and paint which are good outlets. I just haven't found someone local to me to connect with who knows what this kind of grief is like, even after years...

Take care, Lisa.

Comment by Don Fournier on October 29, 2014 at 3:52am

Hello Lisa

I just made the 1-year without my partner. I agree with Erick - publicly I put on my best smile and deal with it the best I can. But privately I feel so alone and overwhelmed. Sometimes even the smallest things will stop me in my track. 

I hope you find this group helpful... I have found it to be comforting to know there are others who understand what its like to lose someone you love so much. Don

Comment by Erick Querci on October 28, 2014 at 9:18pm

Hello there Lisa.

Well my road down this path has not been as long as yours but I hope your journey is getting a bit easier for you to get through day by day. My wonderful partner Clark and I were together 31 and a half years before he suddenly passed away July 7, 2013. Years before, I had lost my parents and older brother to a drunk driver that hit them head-on in an automobile accident. At that time I thought I could not have felt more grief than at that time but I was wrong. Losing a partner you truly love has to be, for me, the worst thing to have to go through. For me, every day is still just as hard as that first day. We learn to handle our grief in public but boy... in private, alone in our homes, it is a very different story.  

I was lucky to connect with another member on here. A lovely woman who lost her love of over 30  years. We started emailing and even skyping after a few months. We cry and share our stories with each other and it has helped me a lot. You do need to advance a friendship slowly and carefully though. I believe most of the people who come to this website are genuine and caring but it is the internet after all, so please be careful. Just my two cents... and please know that there are a lot of us that care for you... even though we may be total strangers... our common sorrow brings us close together. Be well. 

Comment by Lisa on October 28, 2014 at 7:00pm

Hello everyone. My name is Lisa. I lost my partner and wife, Kelly, on 14 Feb 2010. Been trying to connect to other folks who know what that's like for years now but just haven't quite made that connection. It's been a tough road. Just thought I'd say hello.

Comment by Nancy Kennedy on October 10, 2014 at 1:29pm

Hello All!

I was so happy to find this site in 2012 when my partner of 28+ years passed. Because she had a heart condition diagnosed for four years prior to her passing, we did talk about what we would do if anything happened to one or another, as I've been in chronic pain since a near-fatal accident in 1979. As I've also been in recovery from alcohol for over 35 years, I knew that I would need to be very careful. The higher power works in mysterious ways as my Mom's Alzheimer's worsened after my partner's death that I had to focus on being the caregiver as my Dad, with the same illness, has been bedridden for a number of years. Taking it, sometimes one minute at a time, enabled me to continue living as my partner wanted me to. I was blessed to meet another retiree whose partner had committed suicide many, many years ago. We're now together, married as the state where we live permits that, & spending the last phase of our life together. I know that my partner would have approved; we both talk about our former partners as they may be gone but they are treasures nonetheless! Nanc

Comment by Don Fournier on October 10, 2014 at 12:56pm

Hi Mary

It goes without saying that you were blessed with 42 years. I only had 17 years and feel so cheated as I'm approaching my first anniversary of his death on October 22. People tell me it gets easier with time but I say BS it does - you just learn to adjust to the pain and keep pushing forward. There are times when I'm so lonely that all I do is cry. But I remember something my Nils always told me.... "Don you'll be fine. Don't be sad because that's now what I want for you. I want you to be happy. Remember our good times. But most importantly... live!" So I take those encouraging words and push myself harder. I used to smile all the time but in the last year I've forgotten how - that's what I'm working on now. You will have good days Mary and you will have bad ones too. But remember you have to live too. Its not easy. Don

Comment by Mary on October 10, 2014 at 10:46am

 It's been 43 days since I lost my wife of 42 yrs  suddenly from a heartattack and as the time goes by it just keeps getting worse. I find myself being strong when people are around but when I'm alone I can't stop crying. It's so exhausting I don't want to do anything. I use to be very active but can't get going anymore. How do you get on with your life when there so much pain? 

Comment by Michael Reikowsky on October 7, 2014 at 7:44pm

Hello everyone. I've been reading all the recent posts as well as re-reading a few of the older ones. Including my own from October 2012 when I lost my Danny to colon cancer.

As with most of us there was the series of "firsts"... First. Halloween, first thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary, etc. I will be honest with you... I was so numb through all those firsts... I don't recall any details. I'm working on my "seconds" now and have made the conscious decision to CELEBRATE Danny's life, to CHERISH the memories we shared for 16 years and to surround myself with true friends that shared in our love.

So on the second anniversary of his passing, October 27th, we will be celebrating in vegas. Halloween (a big "holiday" for Danny) in New Orleans with one if his heroes, Anne a Rice.

Still gave to figure the rest out. But I'm tired of living in a cave. I will always love my Danny, will always miss his presence, and will make it through with a lot of help from my friends.

Thanks for listening and for understanding.

Michael

Comment by Don Fournier on October 7, 2014 at 6:47pm

     Thank you Erick, Eric, and Kathleen for your kind words. It's hard to believe my partner has been gone almost a year. There isn't a day that doesn't go by I don't think of Nils. We did everything together. We had a beautiful farm in Northern Vermont and unfortunately after his passing I had to disperse all the animals. My head was in such a fog that I thought is was best to close up the farm and lock it up. I was so overwhelmed with the large animals and the grief was more than I could handle.

     I know the anniversary will be tough but I'm planning to take the day off and walk the property with our Corgis... our kids. Erick thank you for your wonderful hiking story. I think I will carry Nils picture with me as I take my stroll - funny I just remembered that's what we use to call it when we would venture out. Funny how you remember those little and realize it what you miss the most.

     I have a great support network thru the bereavement group up here - unfortunately I'm the only gay person there but it has made other's in the group that we grieve as well. It's all good.

     I feel this group will help me as well and I'm glad to be a part of it.

     Don

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