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Comment by JAMES WOODARD on April 26, 2017 at 2:40pm

Hi. My name is James (left in pic). My partner's name was Mark (right in pic). I'm 53 he was 58. He passed away due to complication to heart surgery March 4, 2017.  We had 9 beautiful years together. I am finding it very hard to accept the fact that he is no longer here.  I can't sleep. I'm not eating right. I have these emotional outburst that I can't control. I cry myself to sleep every night and it's really affecting my job. His Mom and my friends are really worried about me and wants me to seek help. We use to do everything together. I know people say it will get better in time. But my heart fills like it has a hole in it. I talk to him some nights. I think about what could I have done different? He wasn't suppose to have surgery until this May 2017 but his symptoms got worse. He got to the point where he couldn't walk up a flight of stairs and could not walk from the office parking lot to his work. They started getting him a wheel chair to and from his car. So the surgery was moved up to this past February.  He was only suppose to be in the hospital for 4 days. It turned into 3 weeks. I will never forget that day when the doctor called me to another room and said he will not make it through the night. I called his family in and made the doctors tell them. 4 hours later he was gone. I stood by his bed side until he took his last breath. My heart was broken. I never thought I would be going through this so soon. I try to remember the great memories we had and there were many. But all I see is him laying in the hospital bed hooked up to that damn machine breathing for him. One time that took him off the ventilator to see if he could breath on his on. And he did! We all knew that was the turn around. I sat at his bed and he looked at me and said you have been crying? He told me not to cry he was gonna be alright. Well the next day breathing issues started again and had to put him back on that machine. 3 days later he was gone. I thought how could this be happening he said he was gonna be fine. Thanks for listening guys.

Comment by Neil Do on September 13, 2016 at 12:52am

I've started an LGBT Facebook grief group to make it easier to post, share & support one another.

www.facebook.com/groups/LGBTgriefsupport/

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 20, 2016 at 9:25am

Hello Michael,

I am glad you are continuing to post here, and I sincerely hope we will be a  source of comfort and community through your most difficult journey.

I was in the hospital, two floors above Larry, who was downstairs unresponsive in the ICU when he passed. I had been admitted two weeks earlier, and there was some debate whether I would survive my critical liver failure that had been progressing rapidly during the last months of Larry's battle. He had been begging me to go the the doctor because it was obvious something was very wrong, but I stubbornly refused, saying we had quite enough doctors in our life, thank you, and we'd worry about my health after his last round of chemo.

We also had prior directives in place, and when I was informed that he had been brought in that morning, I was facing a day fully scheduled with tests and procedures for which I had been thoroughly  prepped. The nurses kept telling me they would keep me informed of his condition, but I never got to see him before 7:00 that evening when he passed.

So I am familiar with how easy it is to beat yourself up over decisions made, actions not taken, and questions of how I might have handled everything differently. Would I somehow have been able to get my own health under better control and then have been there for Larry when he needed me most? Why did he have to spend his final weeks worrying about me, when it should have been the other way around? Michael, I'm sorry to tell you something you already know in your heart...those questions will be with us for the rest of our days.

But please believe me when I tell you this - as trite as it always sounds, time does allow for healing - there is no timetable for everyone, and our paths vary from person to person - but my experience here has been, and continues to be, that sharing our grief, our fears, and especially our tears, brings a relief from the loneliness that seems suffocating for us sometimes.

I pray that you will find each day a small moment of calm to allow that healing to continue - my friend, it has already begun - it started with your first post here.

Wishing everyone here a peaceful day, and sending to all a hug -

Chuck

Comment by Michael Reed on July 19, 2016 at 6:45pm

Hello again ! Thank you charles and thank you don for the words of encouragement. It means alot. Monday was a very difficult day . it was 4 months to the day that I lost Keith.  He was in CCU  for 10 days, for a few days , I was hopeful cause he was responding to my voice and I was thinking to myself, everything will be okay. We will get thru this together , like we always do. but half way thru the 10 days , he took a turn for the worse and stopped responding.  On the 9th day , I had to make the hardest  decision that I thought I would never have to make. I knew what he wanted , cause we had talked about it years before. telling each other that we both didn't want  to live on a machine. But even with talking about it , it still doesn't prepare you to make that decision. After the burial , I beat myself up trying to figure out what I could have done different , see I'm in the medical field and I was thinking that there had to be something that I could have done different or sooner and Keith would still be by my side. But I couldn't . So now life doesn't seem worth going thru. It is like all the enjoyment of living life died with him, and I am left adrift in a boat  on an  ocean that has no end. But I am just taking it day by day and most times minute by minute. Well I better close for now. Just got home from work. Take care. Michael 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 19, 2016 at 9:02am

Hello Michael,

I 'm very sorry for the loss of Keith in March. I lost my husband of 32 years, Larry, in April of 2015. I know how you are feeling this new to your grief, and wish to say that this site has been wonderfully supportive for me in getting through the roughest times. I mostly post on another group, and write many pieces that are attempts to express my feelings in a way that may be interpreted by anyone in light of their own personal journey. I offer this one from a while ago for you, and everyone here, to describe my attempts to keep going through the grief and tears, and how Legacy, and the caring friends I have made here, have become the safe place I turn to when I'm in trouble...

HIGH WIRE ACT

 

You can feel their eyes on you – from the darkness that surrounds you their whispers sound like wind blowing through dry leaves.

 

“Will he fall? Look! He’s leaning…oh surely he’s going to fall!”

 

You carefully place one foot in front of you, feeling the subtle shift of weight as you tell yourself to stay calm, to keep breathing, to avoid sudden moves.

 

There is a sharp intake of breath from the watchers as you sense your delicate balance start slipping. You freeze, and you wait…until you find your center of gravity delineating the difference between this world and the next.

 

“How does he stay up there? He must have years of practice!”

 

No, there is no practicing – no rehearsal – not for this unplanned walk that you perform cold.

 

“How can he see that tiny wire in this blackness? He must have night vision!”

 

No, you’re completely blind – you have no idea where you are, or what stretches before you.

 

“He’s so brave, doing this without a safety net!”

 

But they’re wrong – there is a safety net – they just can’t see it .You could never do this walk without it – your fear would be paralyzing…you would be stuck here alone in this dark void, powerless to move forward.

 

So you get ready to take another tentative step, ignoring their skeptical eyes and whispered doubts that you’ll survive this perilous journey.

 

You place one foot in front of you, then the other – knowing that when the balance starts to shift you have your safety net…you can type the words “Hello dear friends…”

 

 

 I hope this helps you, and maybe others here, to fell less alone in the struggle to get through our days -

Wishing a peaceful day to all,

Chuck

Comment by Don Fournier on July 19, 2016 at 4:42am

Hi Michael

I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing your partner so quickly is so devastating and brutal. I feel your struggle. As much as I hate to say this it will get better. I lost my partner of 17 years almost 3 years ago and I now can look back and see how much stronger I've become. This will happen to you. I'm glad to hear you had all your paperwork together because that does make the process much easier. Take comfort in your dogs - they need you. We had 4 corgis and every day they love to see me come home from work. They have been my hope to keep pushing on knowing they needed me to take care of them.

Treasure the memories and know that he will always be with you. I know it sounds cliche but they do come in and out of your life when you least expect it. The love you have with your partner is very special and it will get your through those rough times.

Crying is part of the process. I still do it from time to time. Be kind to yourself. What you're going through is one of the hardest things you'll experience. Some days I still wake up and ask God why do I have to go through this. There is a reason - heck there are many reasons but you'll figure that out in time.

One thing I have realized about myself.... I'm a hell of lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. And hopefully you will say the same to yourself. Give yourself all the time you need. It does get better.

Hang in there - this is a great place to get support. Stay in touch. Don

Comment by Michael Reed on July 18, 2016 at 9:37am

Good Morning. My name is Michael and I am new here. I lost my partner Keith in march of this year after 16 of the most wonderful years of my life. He suffered a massive stroke on March 8 , while we were getting ready to go to work and my life would never be the same. We had prepared for something like this , had our will's made and power of attorney's for each other. Taking care of his parents in their last days helped us prepare(paperwork wise). But nothing prepares you for losing your soul mate and best friend. I have struggled with his passing . going back to work has helped some but it hurts everytime I come home to a empty house. It has been hard with everyday things. I  catch myself waiting on him to come home from work, to hear his voice or to feel his touch but it never happens. I'm crying as I type this , so forgive me if i misspell something. I feel so lost without him. I have no family near me, except his sister and niece , who have been wonderful and who I consider family. But my blood family all live 6 hours away. Our friends where thru him , he never met a stranger. LOL ! We have 3 wonderful dogs and they have kept me going . If it was not for them , I don't know where I would be. I feel like I'm on automatic, some days I have to force myself to do something. I'm just so lost without him. Well I better close for now , I cant stop crying . Thanks for letting me voice somethings here. hoping this site helps, since there are no other groups that I know off. 

Comment by Gregg Yazzie on June 8, 2016 at 11:08am

Thanks for your thoughts Janet. That is a nice pic of you two Which are you?  I am still crying daily (mostly at work). Today, Joe has actually been in heaven for 1 month. I don't know how I should feel. Happy that he has been in heaven for a whole month now or sad because its already been a whole month and I don't feel that its been that long. I'm feeling the latter now. Crying now as I type. I have been attending grief support groups , but have not been to a LGBT one yet. I think it may be beneficial, but I will see. They are not held as frequent as the regular ones. I have finally found a 1:1 grief counselor, but wont see him until June 20th. They are fully booked around here. I am still trying to find "my way". Its been an emotional roller coater to say the least. I've been feeling really down since this past Memorial day holiday.It was then I realized how Joe isn't coming home.   It was a long weekend for me and I dread other weekends alone. His birthday is coming up on July 4 and I don't know what I will do alone. When I pull into the garage after a work day, the first thing I see is Joe's car and I am used to thinking "Oh good, Joe's home". Then a get hit and recall that isn't the case. I just miss him so much and it still hurts so bad. One or two of our friends want to take me out "for drinks", but I don't want to do that . I feel it will depress me further. Joe was the fun guy and he did most of the talking when we did socialize. Most of our friends were through Joe. I have been meaning to write you back earlier Janet and sorry for not doing so. Love and peace to you.    

Comment by Gregg Yazzie on May 31, 2016 at 5:11pm

In AZ too Rad and Arvin. It’s been a little over 3 weeks (May 8, 2016) since I lost Joe to cancer and it really, really hurts. My heart/chest ache constantly and I feel nervous all the time. I am on Zoloft, but I can’t tell if that is helping me or not. His cremains are in my living room next to his picture and I talk to him in that way daily. I miss him so much. We went through the hospice home care for the last 2 weeks of his life and I saw him slowly and then quickly decline in health in our home. I know from him and others that he did not want me to hurt. He told me before that he was worried about me and wondered who would take care of me.  I thought I could handle it and I told him that I would be okay. I’m not. The only comfort I get is when I think that he is no longer always tired, or sick, or in pain. He is now with God and his passed relatives. I now live alone in a house that was already too big for us and it feels so empty. He used to cook meals for me while I worked. Now, I don’t even cook for myself and have problems keeping up with chores and daily life. We really didn’t establish a friendship network, so I don’t have many close friends to confide in and my siblings all live far away. I did have friends over this weekend to keep me company and it just was not the same.  I have lost my parents and others, but this far outweighs the sadness, loneliness, and desperation I am feeling now. I am used to calling Joe every day for whatever reason, just to hear his voice. I now cry a lot when I want to do just that. There’s no one at the other end now. Please someone, tell me what you may have done to lessen the pain. I do still work, but it only preoccupies part of my days and I find I don’t talk as much at work because I am not “out” at work. Bless you all.

Comment by Rad on February 17, 2016 at 8:08am

Hello, I'm living in Arizona; originally from Malaysia. It has been close to 2 months now since I lost my soul mate, 'Akota Summer-Ray Bochenclinii (February 5, 1997- December 31, 2015)...My story starts like this:

I know 'Akota through school, he was my close friend. We were just friends for a year and nothing more than that. I was straight at that time, and had never explored my sexual orientation. We were so close in school and we talked about every and anything to each other. One day, he said that he liked me, I said that I like him a lot as a friend too and I just changed topic. Somewhere in November 2015, 'Ako was selected by the school PI to go perform some research back in NM, where he was originally from. I was a little sad that he will be leaving and he will only be back on January 19th 2016.

While he was driving to NM, I called him and talked to him on the phone to keep him from sleeping all the way, he was on Bluetooth wireless so I'm ok with that. It was so nice talking to him. I feel really weird as I really miss his presence. I started texting him daily and talked to him everyday while he was in NM. One day, I just feel that he is really special and I popped the question saying that I do not like him, but I love him so so much and he will be the first guy and last I'll ever love. He was so shocked, yet was so happy and cried on the phone as he was waiting for this day so badly and he is really happy that we are officially boyfriends. I broke my rule #1 - no relationship till graduate with a bachelors; but that was the best rule I had ever broken!

We talked every night, everything was so sweet. Thanksgiving past, Christmas came and we talked so much more and every conversation we had day by day just made our relationship grew stronger. He even told his mom about me and he wanted me to meet them in the summer after I graduate in my associates at SCC. I'm so excited! We have the most random topics for every conversations and they all lasted for more than 2 hours.

I was in LA during New Year's Eve with my friend from Malaysia. He will driving to CO from NM to celebrate with some of his family members. I called him on 12/29/2015 and spoke to him for almost 1 hour and he will be back to his second house in NM which has no signal. "I'll call you when I'm in CO during New Year's Eve babe, I love you!" He said.

New Year's Eve night, I did not hear anything from him, not a text or phone call. I was super worried. I kept calling his phone and there's no answer! Day by day passed... It was then 01/04/2016! I finally got a text from his number:

"Mr. Rad. Hi, I'm Martin, 'Ako's uncle. 'Akota was in a vehicle accident while on the way to Denver on New Year's Eve. And I'm sorry to let you know that he is no longer with us. We had his funeral this morning. Again, we are sorry... Best."

I was shocked, I almost fainted, I tried to grasp for air, and I just started balling! I can't believe that my boyfriend is dead. I will never be able to see him as my boyfriend in person, never get to hold his hand, never get to give him his first kiss. My boyfriend died a virgin. I tried to contact his family members but they did not reply my texts as they are mourning deeply. Shortly, his phone number was cut off. I was never able to see his family members or his grave. I only have few pictures of him. I will never see him again. Luckily, he did left me quite a few voicemails when I missed his calls and I still listen to them daily.

I know that he is in a better place right now but I still miss him dearly. I talk to him every night. And I tell him that I love him everyday like I used to. It is the 7th week now.... All the plans for the future we had, is now cancelled. But the memories of him and our relationship will always be in my mind. I love you 'Akota.

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