My granddad went to the hospital 2 weeks ago after I called 911 because he was had a fever and was weak. Soon after he was admitted to ICU and fell into a coma. My family wanted me to visit him, but I just kept saying he'd be okay and would be home soon. 2 days later he recovered and was moved into a regular room with the doctor saying he'd be coming home later that week. On 6/20/12 my fiancee told me he needed to take me to see my granddad, I expected to suprise him and get one of his huge bear hugs, but when I walked into that hospital room I was given a gown and mask. It was then I saw my granddad. It looked as if he were sleeping and I asked the Dr if he'd be okay and she kept staring at me just telling " talk to him, he can still hear you" I lost it I sat there begging him to wake up. It was that day I learned my Nana sign a DNR. I begged him to wake up and take that order back, but he wouldn't open his eyes. I couldn't take it anymore, I  ripped the gown off and ran all the way to my car. The rest of the day I was a walking zombie. The next morning I had a dream..it was my granddad telling me he was leaving now and I kept saying no no no no..then I was woken up by a phone call it was 7:40am my mother on the other end saying "Lins, he's gone" I couldn't believe it. Then all of a sudden I'm ordered to clean the house because family was coming over.. I still couldn't believe everything that was happening or wrap my head around the thought that the man who raised me, my only father-figure, the first man I loved..was gone. The same day as his death is the same day I learned my Nana had chosen cremation. I couldn't stand the thought, I couldn't believe she never told me. I stayed in bed crying, in a trance over the last 6 days..I couldn't talk to my kids about him because I didn't know how to comfort them when I couldn't comfort myself. I couldn't see all his things leave. The funeral was 6/25/12 It was the first day I got out of bed and got dressed...I wasn't going to go at first,but my fiancee convinced me..I knew my grandddad wouldn't be there..just an empty rented casket, I lasted 5 minutes then I lost it. Now here I am grieving. No one else around me is feeling like I am, I feel alone, and weak. My kids need me and all I can think about is my Granddad and all the what ifs..Today is 6/27/12 and my fiancee just left me. He said he thinks this is what's best. I'm empty, numb. I feel to weak to do anything, and now I'm grieving the 2 men who said they'd never leave me. I don't know how to get through this, I don't know who I am anymore..

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