About a year and a half ago a guy that I knew died. I'm not sure what to call him... I truly didn't know him that well. There's more to the story than that though. His name was Eric and we hung out once or twice. He was friends with my older brother. Well Eric wanted to date me but I didn't know how to say no. At the time I was 14 and he was 16. He kept calling me and wouldn't stop asking me out and "sweet talking" me and such. Finally my brother told him to leave me alone. Things got nasty. He said something about my cousin and my brother said somethings. I never talked to him again. He tried to reach out to me but I ignored him. Then a couple of days after my 15th birthday I got a call that told me he had died. I was mean to him... He didn't have any friends. It pains me to think that I could have been his only and last friend. Everyone claims it was an accident, that he had diabetic shock. I kind of think it was suicide though. One day my dad and I were talking and he kind of let it slip that he "killed himself" he caught what he said and tried to correct it. I can't stand the guilt and the pain of wondering if he went to heaven, hell, was reincarnated, or stayed to wander the universe. Well everyone that knows about him is aware of how sensitive I am about the subject. A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with a friend and her new boyfriend and I mentioned him. My friends boyfriend said "You should have dated him you cold, heartless b*tch. I started crying and he started laughing and took it as an accomplishment. I told the guy who I'm in love with about what he said and he's so mad now. My guy tried helping me through most of the pain I had. He was there for most of it. I dated him for a long time and for various reasons we had to break up. All the stress and everything has brought back the memories and pain. I don't know how to cope anymore. The only way I know how is to talk to my guy and I have no contact with him right now... On top of everything on my birthday, the same year Eric died, I was the one to find my favorite kitten with a broken neck. I would see him in the bars for the longest time after that. I don't deal well with loss apparently...

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