I loss my Grandmother just a month ago. I feel so many different ways. My Grandmother meant sooooo much to me. She's been very active in my life for all of my life. I never wanted to see this day. I just feel like I knew her too well for her to be gone from this earth. It hurts me to know she didn't want to die. She told me that a few times before she actually passed. Some people give up and want to go, but my Grandmother fought all the way to the end. It was an indescribable feeling of pain seeing her on life support, and seeing her pass away!! Just watching her lay there dead was a nightmare. Everyday I wish I'd wake up from this terrible dream but it's not a dream...it's reality. When I left the hospital the night she passed...it felt as if the worldhad stopped. The night air felt so cold and lonely. The week leading up to her homegoing service was almost too much to handle. I cried everyday for about 2 weeks. Just the mere thought of her and our conversations brings tears to my eyes. I felt better about 3 weeks after but now I'm back to feeling so very hurt again. I can't believe she left me. I know she is in heaven, at peace, and totally happy. I just want to see her, talk to her, hear her voice. Another thing that bothers me is how fast she passed. Last year this time, she wasn't the healthiest but she was alive, well, and active. I hate this feeling and I wouldn't wish it on the worst person in the world. Thinking about the memories is painful because they are no more. Knowing that I won't see her in church again hurts so bad. I can still hear her voice loud and clear. She was only 67 and I wish she would have lived so much longer. I had so many plans for her. I wanted her to be at my wedding like she had been at everything else I had. She was so cool and down to earth so for her to not be here is mind-blowing. I get teary-eyed in a matter of seconds at the thought of this whole situation. She is on my mind constantly, no matter how busy I am. I just miss her so much...beyond words. Hearing her favorite song is painful, going to her house is painful, everything is just so painful right now. The only consolation is knowing that she's with Jesus and I'll see her again...But when? We went from seeing each other very often to not knowing when I'll see her again...What a huge adjustment. I'm dreading her birthday and mother's day in a few months. I just want her back.

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