Lending a Shoulder and an Ear

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Lending a Shoulder and an Ear

I've lost a spouse and would like to help

Location: Holland, Ohio
Members: 37
Latest Conversations: Sep 30, 2016

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loss of my mother

Started by frances elizabeth hedden Oct 30, 2010. 0 Replies

How is everyone doing today?

Started by Graceann. Last reply by BRENDA May 25, 2010. 2 Replies

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Comment by Treva Hunter on February 24, 2010 at 11:16pm
How do I go on my husband died a week ago today I am so sad miss him so much I feel sick inside.Treva
Comment by Janie on February 11, 2010 at 5:39pm
I lost my ex-husband, who I was still dating and don't know why he was my ex really, on October 18, 2009. His funeral was on the 21st, my birthday. He was killed in an auto accident unexpectedly. I am having a hard time dealing with it. He was my best friend and was always there for me no matter when or what it was I needed. He always told me how much he loved me and worshiped me and I see now that he really did. I did not see how much he did before and all he wanted was for us to be married again, but I wouldn't. Why couldn't I see before how much he really loved me? He called me the night of the 17th saying he wanted to see me and talk to me, but I had plans with my kids and the next morning he was killed. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to know what he wanted. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do without him now. I feel so lost and alone and I don't know how to deal with him being gone. I cry everyday and I have become obsessed with making flowers for the cemetery and making sure that there are always nice fresh flowers. I miss him every second of every day and I am so lost without him. I am turning into this person that I don't even know. It is like nothing matters to me any more and I can't be like that. I have 2 boys to think of, but I don't know how to deal with losing him or how to go on now. If you any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I don't know what to do any more.
Comment by Graceann on December 18, 2009 at 12:27pm
Hello Everyone!
Just wanted to say that this can be a very rough time of the year when you are dealing with loss, especially as you view it as the first Christmas without someone. It hurts. I would offer this suggestion..........it helped my daughters and I in moving forward with celebrating the holiday. Change your routine. The first year my husband died we tried to do everything the same as we always had...........it hurt too much! So we changed things up and we celebrate a day sooner and we don't do a big sit down dinner anymore. Then two years ago my Mom passed away, and being the oldest I tried to continue on with our Christmas Eve celebration as we always did with my sisters and their families........but I quickly learned that I couldn't do that either, because I'm not my mother and I can't take her place for the family to keep traditions the same. We all have to grow and change and make new traditions. We still retain our love and our memories but we must change in order to heal and move forward. We always remember our lost loved ones at the holidays. Share stories from the past about them and so they are still here with us for the holidays...and yes we do get teary eyed, and we all still have our melt-downs, but that's okay.........because we've been blessed to have had wonderful people in our lives that meant so much and left us with such wonderful memories. I want to wish you all a blessed Holiday Season and I hold you in prayers for a New Year filled with renewed hope & peace.
Comment by diane adcox on October 8, 2009 at 6:00am
i just found this site last night and i was so glade to have found it i lost my grandma on my father's side i was close to her and she passed away on sept23,2009 i was not able to go and see her in her last days with us but my brother jim did he said she was a child all over again he said it was hard seeing her that way i ask him to just do one thing for me and put his cell phone to her ear so i could say goodbye and tell her how much i loved her but my dad said no so i never got to say goodbye to her i find myself crying and wakeing up in the middle of the night sometimes its feels like my heart will brake but then other times i feel anger and resentment for my dad is this normal to feel this way ? its hard for me to look at pictures right know because i see her smile and remember how she was so happy that her grandkids came to see her that was three years ago i took some video of her and i cry everytime i put it on i hear her saying hi and i love you it makes me cry till i have no more tears left to cry i miss her so much its just so hard to beleave she is relly gone . thats why i was so glade when i found this site just knowing that there are others who have gone throwe this and who are feeling the same way i do . how do i start to deal with all my grief and anger i feel at my dad is this normal to feel this way? i just need someone who understands the way i feel right know.my housband bill says your grandma lived a long life but i guess i just was not ready to let her go yet.
Comment by Graceann on September 15, 2009 at 1:04pm
Hi Sharon,
Well time marches on and I hope with each passing day you become a little stronger, a little more resilient, in time you WILL become the person you used to be. Not entirely.... because your heart will always have a tender spot....BUT you will actually start to live again. I say this with 11 years behind me, and I have to say that with much learning and much grieving I am finally stronger than I was. It takes a lot of soul searching and really reaching within yourself to make your way back. I still haven't put my words, other than the initial ones on my Blog page, but I will share and then I know you will understand what I have survived. Take care and let's keep talking! Hugs, Graceann
Comment by Sharon Stricklen on September 14, 2009 at 6:39am
Good morning Graceann, I was up early and thought I would check the site out and drop you a line. Its Sharon Stricklen here, I usually wake up early these days; anyway I loved what you wrote about the people that we have lost being here with us and I believe that is so true. I talk to Carl everyday and when it comes time for bed at night I always say come on and get in bed with me and hold me and I do believe that he does. I too am going through the guilt right now, who knows probably I will for some time. I do know that it is Gods plan the way things work and I do know for a fact that Carl went off to heaven because I witnessed him going there. I'll tell you I don't think I would be as good as I am right now if I hadn't have seen him pass over with my own eyes. It was quite an amazing thing to watch, I was very sad to see him go but on the other hand he was so sick that I was relieved that he didn't have to hurt anymore. There is nothing worse then watching someone that you love suffering and there is nothing that you can do to make it better. So I hope that you are doing fine today and I am doing shall I say the best that I can. I never know what the day will bring but I try to wake up with a good attitude and a smile, that is what Carl would have wanted...Again thank you for being there
Comment by Graceann on September 10, 2009 at 3:32pm
At 5:29am on September 10th, 2009, Graceann said…
Guilt is part of grieving. Over time you will have thoughts that will come to you where you question yourself. I had them with my husband, I should have made him go to the doctors, I should have made him stick to his diet, I should have made him stop smoking. With my Mom, I've have the What if I'd I've had her come stay with me, maybe I should have pushed for more tests that could have done more to help her................but with time you do realize that their passing was all part of God's plan! Each of us is ultimately responsible for ourselves. I couldn't change my husband, he had to at the end of the day make his own choices for how he took care of himself. Now looking back, he lived his life the way he wanted too. My mom the same. You say, you always called Jen when something was bothering you..........well you can still talk to her, She'll be listening.......She may not be able to answer you as she used to,,,,,but I truly believe that God surrounds us with the ones we love and who have gone on before us. They are our Guardian Angels. Each day will get better Kristin. Always remind yourself that you aren't alone...... Delete Comment Delete Comment At 9:55pm on September 8th, 2009, Kristin Ferris said…
It's strange. Somedays I think that I'm going to be ok & others I'm wondering how I'm continuing to exist. Since losing my friend I have even blamed myself thinking that maybe if I had been a better friend to her then she would still be here. Sometimes when I cry instead of feeling better I'll feel worse. Since this girl & I were both in our 30s I really thought that we would be friends for another 30 or 40 years before this happened. In some strange way I feel like I'm being punished. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this pain. Am I selfish for still wanting her back? Whenever something was bothering me Jen was ALWAYS the FIRST one that I would call. I miss telling her stories about my nephew, hearing her voice, her laugh, & us making smart remarks to each other about something stupid the other one did. Sometimes I think that I sound like a pathetic little girl.

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Delete Comment At 5:08pm on September 8th, 2009, Graceann said…
Kristin,
It's only been 3 months. With my husband I think I cried for 9 months, a song, a commercial, a memory, anything would set me off. I would be driving in the car, at work, it didn't matter. Crying is a release........there is nothing wrong with it, and 3 months is not any length of time at all. My Mom has been gone 2 and 1/2 years now, and my sisters and I all still have moments where we cry because something reminds us how much we miss her. That is love, we are blessed to have the capacity to love someone, but with that love comes great pain when we loose them. Allow yourself the privilege to grieve, to miss her. She will always be in your heart. You were friends for 21 years, that connection and the pain of loss doesn't just go away. I assume you keep busy, work? As long as you go on with routine things you're going to be ok, you will fill detached like you aren't even a part of life. You feel like you are just existing. But you keep on going and you keep on living and little by little, you do come back to life. But it's not going to come quickly. Hugs for you Kristin. Delete Comment
Comment by Graceann on September 7, 2009 at 8:51pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. When we loose someone who has been a consistent presence in our life. It hurts so much and the hole left in our heart with their being gone, doesn't go away quickly. Memories are wonderful things, photos, but sometimes, it's hard to look at photos and familiar things. I couldn't look at pictures for a long time after my husband died. I loved to to read and I loved music. I couldn't stand to listen to music or even read the newspaper or a magazine, let alone a book after he died. It was impossible for me to concentrate. Please be kind to yourself. Don't expect everything to be ok to quickly. People grieve differently and everyone doesn't move forward as quickly as others. It's ok however you feel. I'm here anytime you want to talk. Delete Comment
Comment by Kristin Ferris on September 6, 2009 at 8:23pm
Hello Everyone: I just found this last night. On June 8th of this year my BEST FRIEND of ALMOST 21 years died & I have been having a VERY difficult time with it. When this girl & I met I was 14 & she was 17. Since we're still having trouble finding me a therapist to help me with this I thought that I would give this a try.
Comment by Mary Jane Stark on August 23, 2009 at 7:03am
Where do I find your blog? I just read your comments about how difficult it will be on the first of things that come after his death. My husband and I were married less than 9 months. My first birthday after our marriage marked the one month anniversary of his death. It was such a difficult day for me. It should have been a happy day and my friends and co-workers tried hard to make it a better day for me. His birthday, this coming Thursday, is not only his birthday but the two month anniversary of his death. I am seriously considering not going to work that day. I am afraid that I will be a total mess. He died on my grandson's 6th birthday. That day should be a happy day for me but will always be marred. Our first annivesary will be October 4th and he will not be here to celebrate it with me.
 

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