lesbian partner loss

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Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 10, 2020 at 9:58am

Hi.. I lost my wife of 25 years  Dec 2020... Coming up to a year, and what a strange year of loss and grief on so many levels between losing Bridgett and  the Covid pandemic.  Someone here wrote something and it reminded me of a Willie Nelson song I love, It's nothing you get over..but it's something you get through". 

Am i "getting through?" sometimes and sometimes i am deep in my grief and I can't do anything...  there are  friends and family who are here for me but there are  many who i feel have "left" me ..somehow my grief  made them uncomfortable. Now in this time of covid connection is hared so I am hoping that  the connections here add to my circle..

Comment by Care Johnson on January 29, 2020 at 10:34am

May, I know I have not monitored this site as frequently as the years have gone by, but I do understand. I lost my wife after 35 years of our being together. That was 11 years ago, but the pain is still very real. If ever you want to chat, please do not hesitate to contact me here or at my personal email of carebear1954 at I am truly sorry for your loss. I know that even breathing is hard to do.

Comment by May on January 28, 2020 at 6:49pm
Is this group still active? I lost my partner of almost 38 years three weeks ago. It would be good to connect with others who could understand best.
Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 15, 2016 at 9:34am

Wow, you can do yard work right now and trim palms! We had -15 F last night! Now it's 12F. There is no being outside. I too love yard work, once the weather gets nice. One of Wen's and my routines was to wander around our yard, looking at our flowers and other plants, how they grow and change, sitting in our matching zero-gravity chairs, sipping ice-tea, looking out into the fields...I don't even know how I'll handle that once I can do that again in the spring. It's going to be so hard not having her be with me for all that.

I love to take photos so I have tons of pics of Wen, Wen and our boys, and Wen and myself. I gave Wen a Nixplay wireless digital frame for our solstice celebration 2014 and it constantly runs showing me so many of our pics and through them the memories. I also have a couple of very short videos (lke 1 min. long) and they are so precious to me because I can see Wen move and hear her voice. The first time I called her cell phone, which I had just gotten her on Black Friday, three weeks before she died, and listened to her voice recording, I burst out in such a terrible crying spell - not just because of hearing her voice but because it already sounded strange and I felt I was forgetting it. I kept calling the phone again and again until I recognized her voice again. Now I watch the videos almost every day - I couldn't do without it, even though it is also incredibly painful. But you WILL NOT FORGET your love. I completely believe that. I do believe the connection we have with our beloved partner, our soulmate, our everything is still different from what we have with our parents. I recently read a book called "Finding my banana bread man" and the author writes about various things that he does to keep the memories and also the spirit of his husband alive. I know for me, photos/videos are so important for that. Have you thought about writing down some of your memories, maybe combining your words with the photos? I'm not ready to do that yet, but hope I'll do that at some point in the future.

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 15, 2016 at 9:23am

Usually I would have stayed in bed until probably noon on the holiday (why get up and prolong another nightmarish day)...but the kitty started meowing from upstairs, I decided to slowly take my new pup up there. Then we all sat on the floor for a while, Kira inching closer and closer to the doggie until she sniffed her. I even managed to feed both of them at the same time at close proximity. Now Kira is on her sunny perch looking down at Kenzie who is staring at her from the floor. Making progress. But the sadness persists that I have a new pup in the first place because Wen is not with me anymore. Plus I just learned yesterday that good friends of ours are going to have a baby in the summer (close to Wen's b'day) and she was so looking forward to becoming the baby's "aunty" (in anticipation that it would happen one day). Emotions running high for me...My heart breaking all over again...

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 15, 2016 at 7:31am

Dear Janet, I'm so sorry too hear that you were having a "fit" and no one checked in with you. With the new pup, I just kind of ignored Wen and I never celebrated it anyway because it's been so commercialized. Did you do anything good for yourself? I know that I often plan on doing something good, like going out with friends or getting a message (I still have 5 gift certificates waiting for me) but then I always back out at the last minute and just can't do it. The pain of doing anything without Wen is just too much. On the other hand, I'm almost envious of you having a crying spell. I feel like I've been crying less this past week - even though I did have my crying spells certainly - but with the new pup and all that stress, I cried less. And it feels weird, kind of wrong, do you know what I mean? It's like it's only been 8 weeks and I'm able to go long stretches without crying. How can that be? But then there's just this silent pain deep deep inside me...Have you had that?

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 13, 2016 at 8:56am

I'm sorry I haven't responded back this week. So much going on. So many emotions. I've been crying less this week which has made me feel really weird. It's shifted sometimes to just feeling physically sick - Monday I actually had to throw up a bit because the realization that Wen is really gone and that the magic we had is gone forever just punches me so hard in the stomach. On top of that, this week the aloneness and loneliness has really been getting to me. I do turn on the TV to hear voices, even if I'm not really watching anything. I also try to have phone conversations as often as possible - with my two sons (21,23) and friends. Starting next week, a colleague of Wen's is starting a meal train. It made me feel really weird to receive this and my first reaction was to reject it. But Rebecca said that she understands my mixed feelings around that and that people are really looking for a way to support me by actually doing something. It's so hard for them to know what to do and this feels good to them. So, I accepted. I did ask if people could actually stay with me and have dinner with me when they bring me food. (I haven't been able to cook ever since Wen passed because we ALWAYS did that together).

On top of that, call me crazy. Monday evening I started looking at shelter/rescue dogs on the internet. After talking with my sons, colleagues, my therapist and everyone telling me that they think it would be great for me to have a dog to help me with my grief, I put in the adoption application for this sweet, 7-9 year girl pup, mediums-size. A day later the adoption counselor from Big Fluffy Dog Rescue calls me back; I have my phone interview. Half an hour later I get the adoption contract, pay the fee, and tomorrow around 10.30am I'm picking up Delanie in CT. All day I've been kind of walking around in shock and very anxious that this is actually happening. And so fast. But everyone assures me having a dog, especially one who needs so much love like one rescued from a kill shelter, will be good for me.

At some point, I'll share with you Wen's and my story...

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 7, 2016 at 11:41am

Today marks 7 weeks since Wen was ripped from me…1.07pm. 7 weeks ago these were the last 30 minutes of her life, me lying next to her, holding her, assuring her that it would be okay for her to go into the light, to find peace and solace. That she would never be alone because a part of each person who loves her would be with her, forever, wherever she would go. A piece of her being in each of our hearts, multiplying her - not one Wen, but many. Those were my words to ease her passing into another realm. In those moments, holding her in my arms as she took her last breaths, I didn't think about me, just her, trying to relieve her of the guilt she might have felt as she had to leave us. But now I wonder if I will ever find peace and solace again until the day I can finally re-join with her wherever she is. I just want to be with her so badly, miss her more and more, every second every minute of every day and night.

Comment by Care Johnson on February 6, 2016 at 12:17pm

Hi, Kirsten, I'd say "welcome" but in reality none of us ever wanted to be in this position. I've read the thread going on here of feeling so lost...that the "me" is not the real me...that there is the horrible feeling of something devastatingly wrong. My take on this is yes, I felt that way, too...for years! I kept saying "half of ME is gone" and that's exactly the way it felt. My better half was no longer finishing my sentences and reliving those memories we shared. Around friends, I felt awkward and constantly unsure of my own footing. But this, too, unfortunately, is normal. It's not easy to go through. It's not easy to find the solution to. I finally had to make a decision: did I want to live or die? I chose living and now feel more whole than I did after my BJ's passing. We had 35 beautiful years together, but I would have taken another 35, too! I'd say it took about 4 years for me to feel somewhat whole again.

Blessings to you all. Just take each moment and realize that you need to grieve and accept those tears with love.

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 5, 2016 at 7:20pm

Hugs to you, Janet, on this difficult day. Every Sunday is so difficult for me now because it marks another week of being without Wen.

I know that I am not and never will be the same person again that I was with Wen.

It’s not just that my heart is broken. My soul is torn in half and so is my body. The ‘me’ that I was with and through Wen is no longer. The ‘me’ that people see now is only a performance that hides the devastation zone of my inner self.


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