I lost my brother Michael (Mikey) on November 15, 2009. He committed suicide on our mother's birthday. I am trying to deal with losing him so suddenly and traumaticaly. It's hard to cope and function in every day life. I am married with 4 children and I have a very hard time just getting through the days. I think it's possible that I have become depressed from his loss, but I don't want to talk to a doctor for fear of having to be on meds. Everyone tells me that I have to be strong for my kids and family. I hate that the most. How am I suppose to be like I was before? It has been almost 6 months and I feel worse every day. I thought it would get better with time, but it hasn't. I tried to go to a support group for family members who have lost a loved one to suicide, but all it did was seem to make me more sad, angry, and spiteful. I am going to try this online, and see if it helps.......My brother was a loving, kind, and beautiful person throughout our childhood. He got into drugs around the age of 17-18 and that's when we all started noticing changes in his moods and behaviors. He wasn't suicidal, just reckless. He partied and hung out with his friends all the time. He was very irresponsible and got into a lot of trouble. He had no fear of any drug and tried just about everything. He met a girl while abusing drugs, so you can imagine what type of girl she was also. She had a daughter from a previous relationship, and clung to my brother after they met because she had no one to help her. Just a few short months into their relationship her daughter was already calling him Dad. They both used drugs and fought alot. They finally had to move into our parent's house together because they were kicked out of all the apartments they had lived in. She cheated on my brother with his best friend and that's when his depression started. He became obsessive and wouldn't stay away from her even though she continued sleeping with other people after that. She became pregnant and none of us, including her were 100% sure that it was my brother's child. This was when the depression turned into Bi polar, and my brother became a different person. But he married this girl anyway and tried to reassure himself that she would never cheat on him again. After his son was born, there was no mistake that it was his. They look exactly alike. My brother attempted to hold down a job and try to take care of the family he had started. Wasn't using hard drugs drugs regularly anymore but did smoke a lot of marijuana still. As soon as things were looking up for him, his wife cheated again and was pregnant. Again, not knowing if this was his child also, he became even more depressed and his bi polar soon got very bad. That was when he attempted suicide the first time. He tried to break into our father's gun cabinet and when that was unsuccessful, he tried to poison himself in his car with a hose in the tail pipe. Someone saw him doing this and called the police. He ended up in a physchiatric ward in a hospital. They started him on meds and gave him some counseling. The doctors tried to get him to go to counseling with his wife and stay on anti depressants and anxiety meds. They never went to couseling and he would go on and off his meds all the time. He would feel suicidal and end up back in the hospital. After years of help from my parents, my brother seemed again to have his life under control. They moved out of my parent's basement and into their own apartment again. This was in August of 2009. My brother and all of us thought that things were going great. He was back in school, and spending all his time caring for his children. He was a great dad, and loved his kids so much. They were his world! In the beginning of November 2009, he found his wife was cheating again with one of her co workers. He left this time. He moved back into our parent's basement again, but this time by himself. He would still see his kids everyday, and was still attending school. It seemed to us that he was dealing with this situation better than he ever had. He actually seemed happy to be away from her finally. Saturday, November 14th was the last I saw him. I went to my moms that afternoon and we were discussing what his plans were for the future. We talked about school, kids, and our mom's birthday which was the next day. Everything seemed fine. He said he was going to hang out at his buddy's house that night and watch a boxing match on T.V. I was awoken by a telephone call from my uncle, who is a sherriff, at 3:00 in the morning on November 15th. He said to come to my mom's immediately and that it was an emergency. I jumped in my car and remember praying to god the whole time that Mikey was just hurt, and not dead. I had no doubt in my mind that the emergency was my brother. He had been through way too much lately, and even though he never wanted to ask for help, we could all see through his facade of being "okay." I ran into my mom's house and she was sitting on the couch, curled up into a ball with a blanket wrapped around her. My uncle and my aunt were there with here, and it was silent when I walked in. All I could hear was my mom attempting to control herself from sobbing. I immediately started panicking and saying, "Where's my brother? Where's Mike at, Mom?" She said he was in heaven with my grandma who had passed away just a few months prior. I lost myself in crying. My mom was holding me and we cried together. Then we had to tell the rest of my siblings. I was the oldest child, so it was hard to watch my younger sister and brother's hear the news. I just wanted to protect them from how I was feeling. We learned later that Mike had told his wife that he was going to kill himself and that it was all her fault. He was at their apartment that they had shared for only a few months. He took twine that you would tie a package with, and hung himself from the stairway. Knowing that she would come in and find him there. She also knew what she would find, so sent a friend inside her apartment to check on Mike instead of going in herself. She left the scene and left her friend there alone to talk to the police. She went and met her boyfriend and they took off somewhere to drink. How could she do that? When the police tried calling her phone, she would hang up on them. She didn't attempt to contact the police or us until the next day. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her. She cried oceans at the viewing and funeral, and got her sympathy from a few people but not many, because everyone knew about her and Mike's relationship. After the funeral, she had her new boyfriend sleeping over with her in front of my brother's kids. No time for them to heal from losing their daddy. It has only been 5 1/2 months and she has been through 2 relationships that I know of. This is where the story ends, this where I am today. I am sad for the loss of my little brother, but also angry that he chose to do this. I have gone through many different emotions and feelings. I feel worse day by day. I hope writing about this, even if nobody reads it, will help a little.

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