My Skylie's 1 year anniversary is coming up on Dec, 4th. At this time last year she was sick which we thought was a flu but of course turned out horribly. I have not written anything in a long time because it's so hard for me to do anything. I don't call my friends anymore, I don't do anything, I can't get up on time for work so I always wind up working on Saturdays to make up my time. I don't care about anything, I don't like feeling like this but I can't seem to shake it. I miss Skylie so much the pain is just horrific. Lately I am having so many flashbacks of that night, I don't want to do Thanksgiving. That day everyone was at my house, I put her pj's on and she was so sick. I was very close a few times in taking my own life but something stopped me. My son and daughter-in-law who's baby it was is expecting in March with another girl. I am happy for them although I really believe it is too early.  I am scared to death about everything. One of the kids at an afterschool program I work at was sick for 10 days and I couldn't get it off my mind because I thought he had what Skylie had. My daughter is expecting a boy the same week. I have such mixed emotions about these babies. Not sure how to love them when all I want is Skylie back. Skylie was with me almost every weekend and a few days during the week so I was extremely close with her. I can't sleep, I don't eat right, I am in counseling but having great difficult using the tools I am giving.  My daughter-in-law said she doesn't want to bring the new baby back into my house, my house is up for sale which is going nowhere. Skylie died in my room in her playyard and the mom and I tried giving her CPR but it was too late. More than anything in the world I want her back. I would give my life is she could just be here. It's so hard, I want one more kiss, one more hug, a wave, I just want her back so badly. I don't want to be here with new babies I want her back!

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