Missing my Mom

I lost my Mom on February 20, 2010 when she decided that she did not want dialysis treatments any longer. The first year after my Dad passed on February 16, 2008 seemed to go pretty smoothly, but in February of 2009 she suffered a stroke and it was found that she also suffered from congestive heart failure and chronic renal disease. She was started on dialysis during this hospital stay. I had so hoped it would just be temporary, but as the months went by I accepted the fact that it was going to be forever. We hired staff to come in and spend the day with her as she had to be taken to dialysis three times a week and was on home oxygen therapy and needed assistance with cooking and cleaning. She had significant short term memory loss and could no longer take care of herself independently. She had her good days and bad days and my brothers and I came to the realization that she would not be able to stay by herself any longer after her third hospitalization in July of 2009. She was transferred to a nursing home 5 minutes away from her home. She never could accept that was her home now and would constantly ask when she was going to get well enough to go back home. In October of 2009 when I was taking her back to the nursing home after one of her dialysis treatments she told me that she didn't want to have the treatments anymore. I asked her if she understood what that would mean and she said she knew she would die. I pleaded with her to change her mind and after a rather tearful exchange in the parking lot of the nursing home she agreed to continue with the treatments. On February 9, 2010 she had to be admitted to the hospital for mental status changes. Her medications were adjusted and she was sent back the nursing home on February 12th, 2010. On February 16, 2010 she once again had to be admitted to the hospital for mental status changes and a GI Bleed. I knew she was having a hard time because it was the two year anniversary of our Dad's passing. I could tell by talking to her that things were quite different now. She looked so weak and frail and once again demanded to not have dialysis. My brothers and I discussed the situation and decided that we would not fight her on her decision. She had lost her husband of 59 years, lost her health and lost her home all within a 17 month period. I don't know if I could have adjusted to that much change either. Hospice was called in on February 19th and on February 20th she passed away peacefully in her sleep. I went back to work on February 23rd and I seem to either be in the depths of despair or angry, no middle ground. I'm trying to go through all the functions so as not to make anyone uncomfortable at work, but the co-worker that is in the office with me lost her mother the same day that I lost mine and she doesn't seem to understand why I don't want to talk about it. I'm struggling to get through work. It's as if I am working in quick sand. I feel so tired, lost, numb and alone. I find tears rolling down my face while I am working and when I get home I go off by myself so I can cry for as long and hard as I want without upsetting anyone else. I know it is going to just take time to get over this but the pain and loss gets to be too much sometimes. Can anyone suggest what I can do to start feeling like a part of the living society once again?

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Permalink Reply by katlin on March 12, 2010 at 7:56am

Hi Delores,
It is quite commendable that you did what you could for your mom. Your co-worker probably doesn't understand your grief and so she really can't relate to how you feel, so she just doesn't understand and maybe doesn't care to. It will get alittle easier over time, especially as you forgive yourself for things you did not do wrong and focus ahead. Just imagine your mom without any health ailments the next time you see her. "No resident will say, I am sick." (Isaiah 33:24) Imagine the time in the near future when she is living forever near you in a perfect world. "The meek shall inherit the earth, and they shall find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace." (Psalms 37:11) Imagine even all animals living at peace then with humankind. "And the wolf will actually reside for a while with the male lamb, and with the kid the leopard itself will lie down, and the calf and the maned young lion and the well-fed animal all together: and a mere little boy will be leader over them." (Isaiah 11:6,7) There will be no more war. "He (God) is making wars to cease to the extremity of the earth.." (Psalms 46:8,9) These are the conditions that await your mom when Jesus calls her to awaken from her sleep. (John 5:28; John 11:11-14) She will never have to get sick again, grow old, or die next time! (1 Corinthians 15:26)The ransom price Jesus paid for our sins will be applied to all of us serving God! (1 Corinthians 15:20-22) "The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it." (Psalms 37:29) katlin linkatlin@yahoo.com

Permalink Reply by Delores White on March 12, 2010 at 8:28am

Thank you Katlin for your words of encouragement. I do imagine that when we leave this world that we meet with our loved ones in perfect health and our pets will be there to and we will live in perfect harmony for the rest of eternity. I feel a little less sad today and realize that I will always have her in my heart and mind and nothing will take her away from me. The words of comfort I have received from everyone means more than you will ever know.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on March 13, 2010 at 4:10pm

90 Minutes in Heaven book - the chapter where he spents 90 minutes in Heaven, is really heartwarming. I did not read any other part of the book to any extent; this was the smaller book. I found it in the public library. I am not sure if I read that chapter in the book within the first year after Mom and Dad's death that I would have found it so heartwarming! Even though I pictured Dad and Mom together young again walking through a field, happy.
When I had talked about my mom at work, after a while a co-worker started to talk about when she lost her Dad. That is when I realized what I was doing and what my co-workers were listening to. I felt bad. I did not want to bring up anyone else's pain and hurt from their loss. I pretty much backed off talking about my mom after that at work. If someone would of told me it was affecting them, I would have stopped out of respect for my co-worker and their loss. I would of hoped they would of told me. I was always (and still am) one at work who concentrated on my work and not a lot of talking. So it was out of character for me to talk so much about my mom after she died.
God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on March 18, 2010 at 5:48pm

I think my parents knew they raised good children and that even though it would be hard on us to lose them, we could carry on without them on earth. Mom and Dad are precious and I wanted them around forever even though I knew one day they would both pass on, I was just hoping we would have more time with Dad and Mom. Dad and Mom raised us kids to be independent and to be responsible for our life. Dad and Mom saw 3 of their 6 great-grandchildren in person. God Bless.