First, I am terribly sorry for your horrible loss. My father died on August 22nd -- and I can honestly share with you that it has been the most incredibly painful experience of my life. My father died suddenly -- and I found myself questioning things I should have done, shouldn't have done, wished I had done... well, I am sure you get the picture. I think death is so final -- so terribly unpredictable -- that we like to think that we somehow have some control of it.
I can share with you something that has helped me -- with the sincere hope that it might help you, too. Whenever I start to go to the truly unhelpful thinking of "what if I had stayed there that night" or "why didn't I make him stay with me" or "why didn't he call me so I could help him" etc... I ask myself this: If I had known that my dad was to die that morning -- would there have been ANYTHING I would NOT have done for him? Anything? Of course not. I would have sat by his side for eternity holding his hand... breathed life into his body... given him years of my own lifespan... anything. We don't get to know when death will take those we love. That is not our fault. That is how I stop the negative "what ifs" that really don't help anything... because if I had known I would have done anything. How could you have known?
I am sorry that money was so tight. It sounds as though you did the very best you could with sincere love for your father and your living mother. No dad could ask anymore from a loving daughter. None of you sound mentally insane... just racked with grief doing the best you can.
It will be six months without my beloved father in a few days... and I still cry every day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My son sees my tears and I tell him honestly that I am sad because my father died. I tell him that I am grieving and that it is normal for someone when they lose a person they really love. I figure that if a person can't cry when they lose their daddy -- when can they cry? My son is only 4-- but he understands and has gained empathy for others sadness. I don't think grieving is self-involved. Rather, it is a healthy outlet for a terrible loss.
Your loss is still so raw. Give yourself time to feel, love and forgive. You sound to me like a wonderfully loving daughter. It doesn't ever go away but in my experience, it does get slightly easier to bear.
Hugs to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. My father passed away July 2, 2009 and I still miss him every day. Since I was a kid I would tell everybody all about how wonderful my father was and now I would rather just keep it to myself because as soon as I start up a conversation about him I get a big lump in my throat and then the tears start. What really did help with the come to terms with his death was a program sponsored by Vitas Hospice thru our church. The program takes you thru the since of "I should have....I could have..." and all of the other guilt associated with death. To the realization there are only so many things in this life we have control over, and death is not one of them. Helps you to realize there is a higher power out there and when it is your turn to go home..no matter what you have not accomplished here, nor how much money you have, or what you do or do not own, when it is time to go there is no negotiating. My father was 79 yrs old and still working everyday, able to take my mom on fantastic vacations and just so full of life. On one of their many trips he came back with Pneumonia went into the hospital and passed away about 6 wks later. Stop kicking yourself over your dads death and appreciate everyone else around you. Tell all the important people in your life how much they mean to you and how your life is wonderful because they are a part of it! Mostly tell your mom how lucky you are to have her. Don't stress over your dads death - you will see him again - if it wasn't for someone going first there would be nobody to meet us when we get there! I will be praying for you and your family.