More than a mother

It's been a week since my mother passed away. I can't stand life without her. She was so much more than the woman that gave me life. She was my best friend, my kindred spirit. My mind will not accept that she's gone. She was such a genuine person. She loved me unconditionally. She was never judgemental. She welcomed strangers with open arms. She listened. She forgave and gave unlimited chances to those who made mistakes, even when everyone else did not. My anger seems to be the worst effect of her death. I am rude and distant to those trying to console me. Nothing comforts me.

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Permalink Reply by Stacey on August 31, 2009 at 10:10pm

Stacey said:

Claire said:
It will be two months on September 11, 2009 since my mom passed away. That was the worst day of my entire life. I took her to the hospital the day before and all they could find was an UTI. When I took her back home she fell asleep from the medicine that they had given her from the hospital. The next day I went to her house to check on her but it was too late. There were no warnings and I still don't know what happened. I am feeling so many emotions each day that I don't know how to deal with them. My mom was my best friend and I loved her so much. We had so many jokes and things that only belonged to us and I miss all of that terribly. I feel so angry that I wasn't there with her - I feel guilty that I should have done something more. I am having a hard time accepting this. I always have heard about loved ones giving signs after they pass away to let us know that they are still with us. I want to experience something so badly, I have not had any dreams of her either and I want to as well. My heart is broken and I know it takes time but I don't want to experience this life without her. I am only 24 years old and she was supposed to be with me at my wedding and the day that I have kids. I feel as though my world has been torn apart. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and see her smiling face again.

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot say within time the pain will get easier... It just whats get me through each and every day.... I miss my mother like crazy. and would give my right arm to see her again. I know this may not be any comfort right now. but let me tell you what my pastor's wife shared with me. I too was very sad becuase my mom was not going to be there on my wedding day. Light a blue candle at the beginning of the ceremony and she will be there spiritually. As far as dreaming of her. please please pray to the Good Lord and let him know that a dream would be comforting to you. I will pray for you.

Permalink Reply by Liria on September 1, 2009 at 8:22pm

Hi Sally, I feel as though I am writting this letter about my mom. She was everything your mom was. It has been 7 months since my mom passed. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer Oct 8th,08 and passed away Jan 23,09. Its very painful and most of the time I am still numb and in shock. I have been very angry person..sick and tired of everyone telling me shes in a better place..it doesn't help!! She was dancing on my nieces b-day Sep8th last yr and working,looked great...called me on the phone everyday...I still find it hard to believe and I am still excpecting her to come back. My dad passed away 18yrs ago from colon cancer..I only have 1 brother left....am definaetly going to see a therapist...maybe will help.

Permalink Reply by Lorna on September 2, 2009 at 10:58pm

I hope you're feeling a little better this week. Just know that you are loved. I was always told that losing your mother is the most difficult thing you will go through. I never really got it until she was gone. And I got it almost immediatley after she passed. It took me by surprise. I was so happy for her that she was free from all the extreme pain she was going through and then bam a few hours later my selfishness for her kicked in. So just know it's ok. Your grief is yours and your the only one that knows what you're going through.

Permalink Reply by jamesDean on September 4, 2009 at 6:20pm

I lost Mom going on three years now. It still feels like yesterday. I lost Dad nine months later. They hadn't been together since I was a kid. The things that happened after losing Mom, I couldn't make up. From my own brother and son. I recently made up with my son. Haven't talked to my big brother in years. I'm 56. I wish I could believe in God. I envy those people. I lost everything else along with my parents and have been virtually suicidal for some time. Just my luck the whole country's economy tanked after I lost my last job for missing too much time out when Mom was dying. I will never regret being with her like I was, no matter what happens to me.

Permalink Reply by Mari on September 5, 2009 at 10:00am

I lost my November 2002...to Cancer. And some times I still cry. I agree with everything everyone has said, and if I could add......

While driving one day, feeling sad....I was listening to a Man named Dr. Ray (He was a no nonsense dr. who gave advice some times I agreed with him, and sometimes I do not...but mostly he makes me laugh) A caller called in and asked how long is too long to grieve for a parent? He took a deep breath and said (I am para pharasing here) depends on the parent....some parents you get over in a year.....oh said the caller....a women...well.
Dr. Ray asked how long for you? 2 years and my sister says that it is time to stop grieving and living.....said the women. Oh well perhaps your sister is right said Dr.Ray......
Perhaps two years IS enough for your sister.........BUT for you perhaps its not there is no clear answer to this but this is what has helped me......let me ask you a few questions:
Was your mom your friend? Yes said the women......Well good friends are hard to find....I will give you 2 extra years for that.
Was your mom your helper, you know if one of the kids are sick or you need help with a project was she the first person you called, cause you knew she was there? Yes said the women......well good helper friends are hard to find...so two extra years for that....
Now was your mom the person who smiled when you walked in the room, or if she called she could you have you go from a bad day...to a not so bad day in minutes......well that person is REALLY nice to have in your life other than your kids, who love when you walk in the room, ....finding someone who loves you no matter what is really hard to find...so I will give you 5 for that........
then he went on and listed other "jobs" parents have.......
Did she buy a bike, did she bake cookies, did she give you a birthday party, did she make sure you got something special at Christmas, did make you costume for the play, did she let you stir the batter and lick the spoon? Did she clean your room with you, did she listen when your friend broke your heart was she there on your wedding day...did she cry when you got hurt, when you had your children was she one the first ones there?
Is she grandma to your kids, did she listen when you had a fight with your spouse? etc...

Well my friend the good news is you will carry on....but it will be hard, and what is right for you, may not be right for someone else....because your mom/dad...was YOUR mom or dad.....what they did for you they did not do for someone else.....yeah sibblings get it, because they have a list of their own....BUT every one has their own list of what that person means to us....just us.......

By now I was crying and I realize now that although I can not say it as good as him, Dr Ray is so right...what our loss is just for us, perhaps grandma loved you best because you did something different with her, for me my mom was my shopping buddy, my sister worked and she did not get this....but shopping with out my still sucks, I have tried other friends but they don't go at the same pace, they don't get excited.........when we went through some of moms things I could not find any thing I wanted, because I had the same stuff at home because we shopped together...but I look around my home and see all the memories I had with her, having lunch etc...my siblings all worked and they didn't share that.......

I hope this helps you, and go with the anger....lol I have told off two strangers since my mom died.......one was a lady in a store, complaining come on mom go faster......I let her have it, and even asked the older lady if she wanted to shop with me....and the other person was in my dr office and a young lady was yelling at an older gentlemen saying I just told you that....stop asking the same thing over and over........I leaned over and let her have it.......the rest of us in the waiting area just looked at me like I was nut, and I put my head down.....but when I looked up people was making eye contact with me, winking or smiling........all I said was shame on you...dont talk to him like that some day you will not have him in your life....etc.....

so I hope this book was not too long, and I hope I helped you....
Love and prayers Mari

Permalink Reply by Cathy on September 10, 2009 at 5:21am

I know just how you feel.I lost my mom aug.6,2009. She was the best mom in the world and i couldn't of ask for a better mom.She was my best friend to.I also lost my dad in dec. of 2007.I am so greatful for the time i had with them.The last two weeks of watching my mom before she passed away was the worst thing i have ever had to watch.I was with her when she took her last breath, and when that happen my world fell apart. I still can't believe she is gone.I remember all the good times we had together.Since i have lost bot parents i have a big void in my heart.I know they are with God and are not suffering anymore but the selfish part of me wants them here with me.They will be in my heart forever.I loved them both so much.

Permalink Reply by Jent on September 14, 2009 at 10:08pm

Cathy said:

I know just how you feel.I lost my mom aug.6,2009. She was the best mom in the world and i couldn't of ask for a better mom.She was my best friend to.I also lost my dad in dec. of 2007.I am so greatful for the time i had with them.The last two weeks of watching my mom before she passed away was the worst thing i have ever had to watch.I was with her when she took her last breath, and when that happen my world fell apart. I still can't believe she is gone.I remember all the good times we had together.Since i have lost bot parents i have a big void in my heart.I know they are with God and are not suffering anymore but the selfish part of me wants them here with me.They will be in my heart forever.I loved them both so much.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on October 1, 2009 at 5:21am

It's been since April 21, 09 since I lost my Mom, bestfriend..and I need to comment on beautifully you worded what your mom is..more than a mom..You hit the nail on the head,at least for me as I read your discussion . I feel exactly the same way. I guess it's rare to have such a tremendous gift from God as my Mom, I guess I was pretty nieve,as what I've experienced since her passing is that there are very few people who share such a connection with their mom. I'm wondering,...Maybe they just don't know it yet?? (Because they have not experienced such a loss, or are we rare birds??)

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on October 1, 2009 at 10:22am

Mari said:

I lost my November 2002...to Cancer. And some times I still cry. I agree with everything everyone has said, and if I could add......

While driving one day, feeling sad....I was listening to a Man named Dr. Ray (He was a no nonsense dr. who gave advice some times I agreed with him, and sometimes I do not...but mostly he makes me laugh) A caller called in and asked how long is too long to grieve for a parent? He took a deep breath and said (I am para pharasing here) depends on the parent....some parents you get over in a year.....oh said the caller....a women...well.
Dr. Ray asked how long for you? 2 years and my sister says that it is time to stop grieving and living.....said the women. Oh well perhaps your sister is right said Dr.Ray......
Perhaps two years IS enough for your sister.........BUT for you perhaps its not there is no clear answer to this but this is what has helped me......let me ask you a few questions:
Was your mom your friend? Yes said the women......Well good friends are hard to find....I will give you 2 extra years for that.
Was your mom your helper, you know if one of the kids are sick or you need help with a project was she the first person you called, cause you knew she was there? Yes said the women......well good helper friends are hard to find...so two extra years for that....
Now was your mom the person who smiled when you walked in the room, or if she called she could you have you go from a bad day...to a not so bad day in minutes......well that person is REALLY nice to have in your life other than your kids, who love when you walk in the room, ....finding someone who loves you no matter what is really hard to find...so I will give you 5 for that........
then he went on and listed other "jobs" parents have.......
Did she buy a bike, did she bake cookies, did she give you a birthday party, did she make sure you got something special at Christmas, did make you costume for the play, did she let you stir the batter and lick the spoon? Did she clean your room with you, did she listen when your friend broke your heart was she there on your wedding day...did she cry when you got hurt, when you had your children was she one the first ones there?
Is she grandma to your kids, did she listen when you had a fight with your spouse? etc...

Well my friend the good news is you will carry on....but it will be hard, and what is right for you, may not be right for someone else....because your mom/dad...was YOUR mom or dad.....what they did for you they did not do for someone else.....yeah sibblings get it, because they have a list of their own....BUT every one has their own list of what that person means to us....just us.......

By now I was crying and I realize now that although I can not say it as good as him, Dr Ray is so right...what our loss is just for us, perhaps grandma loved you best because you did something different with her, for me my mom was my shopping buddy, my sister worked and she did not get this....but shopping with out my still sucks, I have tried other friends but they don't go at the same pace, they don't get excited.........when we went through some of moms things I could not find any thing I wanted, because I had the same stuff at home because we shopped together...but I look around my home and see all the memories I had with her, having lunch etc...my siblings all worked and they didn't share that.......

I hope this helps you, and go with the anger....lol I have told off two strangers since my mom died.......one was a lady in a store, complaining come on mom go faster......I let her have it, and even asked the older lady if she wanted to shop with me....and the other person was in my dr office and a young lady was yelling at an older gentlemen saying I just told you that....stop asking the same thing over and over........I leaned over and let her have it.......the rest of us in the waiting area just looked at me like I was nut, and I put my head down.....but when I looked up people was making eye contact with me, winking or smiling........all I said was shame on you...dont talk to him like that some day you will not have him in your life....etc.....

so I hope this book was not too long, and I hope I helped you....
Love and prayers Mari

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on October 1, 2009 at 10:33am

Could I be on that GPS as well. Ditto for me. I could not have expressed myself any more precise and accurate as you stated. All of you.. Or I guess US!! My prayers are with each and every one of you. 5 months into this "process" I am finding myself on this site ..Well ....Lots!! Thanks for sharing your stories as they are like you took my thoughts and feelings and you "GET IT"

Permalink Reply by EVELYN on October 20, 2009 at 6:38pm

I UNDERSTAND I JUST LOST MY MOTHER ON JULY 23. IT FILLS AS IF IT WAS YESTERDAY AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FILL BECAUSE SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING, I MISS HER PHONE CALLS AT TWO AND THREE JUST TO TALK AND TO SAY WE LOVED EACH OTHER.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on October 21, 2009 at 11:48pm

Evelyn,
I know exactly what you mean....My mom and I watched the Yankees together religiously and laugh,giggle,like kids. We always were saying/competing as to who loved who more..GOD!! I MISS HER>>Especially with the Yankees in the championships now, I find myself talking to her and laughing like she was right there with me.. And then I stop and Wonder if I am in my right mind??LOL!! But, as silly as it sounds..I make it through yet another day..I know she's OK...In a weird way...it is almost like I feel she is with me watching the game.only in heaven and not next to me. Did that make any sense?? LOL!! Or am I crazy??

EVELYN said:

I UNDERSTAND I JUST LOST MY MOTHER ON JULY 23. IT FILLS AS IF IT WAS YESTERDAY AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FILL BECAUSE SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING, I MISS HER PHONE CALLS AT TWO AND THREE JUST TO TALK AND TO SAY WE LOVED EACH OTHER.