Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Patricia on November 4, 2009 at 8:23pm

Hi Kathy, my name is Patricia. I lost my parents within 6 weeks of each other. My father passed of lung cancer first on Oct.27, 2008. My mother passed of a heart attack on Dec.13, 2008. I feel so lost in this world I don't know what to do sometimes. I truly understand the pain you're feeling and I often wonder when it will stop hurting. I have 3 teenagers and the two oldest were very close to them both. They too are having a hard time coping. We try to take it one day at a time and put God first, but it still hurts the same. I wanted to take the time to let you know that you are not alone. I'm searching for the same peace. May God bless you and your family.

Permalink Reply by Maureen Ross on November 8, 2009 at 10:53pm

I lost both of my parents within 19 hours of each other back in 2007. It was, and still is, a blur to me. I was going through the ugliest divorce and even though my parents lived over 200 miles away from me - they were my 'rock.' Just hearing thier voices - I knew I could keep going. In January 2007 the doctor told me that my mom had end-stage liver disease and would probably need hospice by the summer. Calling my dad to tell him that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He said 'we'll bring her home (from rehab) and feed her - she'll get stronger.' My dad had a host of things wrong with him, but like the Energizer bunny, he just kept going and going. He went every day to see my mom in the hospital and then in rehab and it wore him down. My mom came home from rehab on February 7th - not knowing her terminal diagnosis. My dad started with a cold that was getting the best of him by that weekend. I came home to see my mom on the 10th and ended up taking my dad to the ER. He had double pneumonia - something which his doctor said would just take a few days of rest and meds. and he'd be back home. I went back home (to Pennsylvania)on the 12th - talking to each of my parents every day. We were lucky to find a nurse to stay with my mom while my dad was in the hospital. On the 15th of February I talked to my dad a couple of times -he was so bored in the hospital - and worried about my mom. I told him I would be up the next day to get him out of the hospital. My mom started to get a fever that day - nothing too drastic, but it was making her weak again. I spoke to my dad at 4 p.m. and said 'talk to you later pops.' I called back at 6 and no one answered his phone. His doctor called me at 7 and said my dad had died - died in the chair in his hospital room. I had to call my mom and tell her and all I could think about was how was I ever going to get her to a funeral home as weak as she was. The next day at 9:30 a.m. my kids (4 teenagers) and i were on our way up to Long Island when we got stuck behind an accident on the Turnpike. (We had had snow and ice and many roads in Pa. were still closed). They re-routed us all over the place. I got a call from my mom's nurse that she had had a seizure during the night and to please get home as soon as we could. I kept calling home and the nurse kept saying that my mom wasn't doing well - all I could think about was that I was losing both of them at once. At about 1:30 the nurse called and told me to talk to my mom as she didn't think she would last much longer - I had to say good-bye to my mom on the phone while driving home in an ice storm. My kids said I was praying the Hail mary out loud. It ended up taking us 13 hours to get home - 10:30 that night. By then I had lost both of my parents - 19 hours apart. We had a double viewing and burial. I still don't think I will ever get over it - we all know we are going to lose our parents some day - I never thought I would lose both at once. And the thing that still makes me cry is that my dad was alone in the hospital when he died. When my mom died she had the nurse with her, along with her closest friend and a woman form church. I miss them every day of my life.

Permalink Reply by Kathy on November 22, 2009 at 2:39pm

Hi there Patricia. It seems that we both can totally relate to each other's pain, in the loss of both of our parents within a very short time period. It's been more than a year for my losses, yet my emotions are still raw. I do get tired of people saying stuff like "It's been long enough now" ... "Shake it off"... "Get over it"...etc, when some of them still have both of their parents, and the parents are well and healthy. Kinda easy for them to say, right? Just wait until something like that happens to them ... They might not be so quick with those suggestions then. I didn't realize that there was a set time frame regarding grief and mourning. I am very sorry to hear of your losses. You are fortunate that you have children to help you cope with the grief. I have no one ... no spouse or children. I do have a sibling, but he and I are not close, so you might as well say I'm "floating alone", so to speak. That's why these forums and discussions are especially helpful to me.

Patricia said:

Hi Kathy, my name is Patricia. I lost my parents within 6 weeks of each other. My father passed of lung cancer first on Oct.27, 2008. My mother passed of a heart attack on Dec.13, 2008. I feel so lost in this world I don't know what to do sometimes. I truly understand the pain you're feeling and I often wonder when it will stop hurting. I have 3 teenagers and the two oldest were very close to them both. They too are having a hard time coping. We try to take it one day at a time and put God first, but it still hurts the same. I wanted to take the time to let you know that you are not alone. I'm searching for the same peace. May God bless you and your family.

Permalink Reply by Margaret on November 22, 2009 at 5:38pm

Hi, You are in my thoughts and prayers... We lost my mom 2 years ago and now both parents are with God..... I can relate to your loss, we miss them but never stop thinking of them.... Take Good Care, God Bless, Margaret

Permalink Reply by Debbie on November 30, 2009 at 8:16am

Kathy,
I completely understand how you would feel your parents' deaths were shocking. My mom died Nov 20th after battling cancer for a year. I knew she was going to die, yet when she did I felt it was sudden. I don't think in my heart I ever expected her to go. I'm 54 years old but as my siblings and I go about the "business" of her death, I feel like a child playing an adult. Both of my parents are death, so I'm not anyone's child any longer.

Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 30, 2009 at 3:29pm

Hello,
I just recently lost both my mother and father. Their death was very unexpected. They were both in their mid- Sixties! My mother passed away Dec 30th and my father Aug 12th. My brother and I are still in shock. My mother had a heartattack and my father a stroke. They were with us one day and gone the next. My brother's birthday was in Oct and mine in Nov... we didn't know what to do without our parents here with us when it was our birthday. How do you celebrate your birthday when the people that brought you into this world are suddenedly taken from you? and with Thanksgiving just past and the Christmas holidays my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. They were so young by today's standards. I just didn't expect they would be taken from me so soon and both within a few months apart. I don't know if there are words to express the heartache.

Permalink Reply by Maureen Ross on November 30, 2009 at 9:39pm

Hello - It's 2 years later for me and the holidays are still so rough. All your memories involve them and just the thought of the impending holidays bring back the years when my parents were part of them. For me it's been helpful to 'acknowledge' them by giving a gift to someone else in their memory. I so enjoyed trying to buy them things each year - even though they didn't 'need' anything.
I always sent my mom carnations on St. patrick's Day - I still send them, just now I send them to her best friend. For each of their birthday's I try buy/do something that I know would make them happy. I have donated pet food to an animal shelter, socks and underwear to a men's shelter, given a gift card for food to the church secretary and asked her to give it to someone in need, etc. It still allows me to 'shop' for them - now it's in their memory. I do this for their birthday's and every holiday that i would have normally gotten them something. I try and think of what would make them the happiest and then that's what I do. The year they died my kids and I still 'celebrated' their birthday's. My mom loved Carvel ice cream cakes so I went and bought one and my kids and I sat around talking about grandma and eating ice cream. For my dad's we went to Wendy's (the only fast food he would ever eat!) and I got each of the kids a lottery ticket as he would always do. It seemed to make the day a little easier - took some of the focus off their deaths and put it on their life. I spend some time trying to figure out what to do 'for them' for each holiday. My parents were very giving people and I think this would make them happy - and I know it is putting a smile on some stangers face.
And what you said about your birthday is so true - I so miss the birthday card and call from my parents. I am far from being a kid - but since they're gone I find my birthday to be one of the loneliest days of my year. My friends who stil have their parents, or at least one parent, don't understand how empty a day your birthday becomes. I will say a prayer for you as you go through your 'first' holidays without your parents.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on December 19, 2009 at 3:50pm

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my parents 3 1/2 months apart. Mom died first, after being in a nursing home. Dad died about 3 weeks later, after by-pass surgery and on their 55th Wedding Anniversary. I was so glad I got to spend the last 3 weeks of Dad's life with him. Dad was always there for us kids. The week after mom died and I was back at my place, I would come home after work & cry each evening for a week straight. I got nothing done after work except to Grieve for my Mom. I played her video tribute and wrapped myself in her coat. It was the best thing for me, since little did I know about Dad. It has been 3 years since Mom died and Dad will be 3 years in February 2010. I found the grieve that was right for me. I cried in the privacy of my apartment, with my faithful cat by my side (as long as she did not get wet!). I attended a grief workshop, 2 hour grief workshop, grief worship service and read lots of grief books. I also wrote about the time spent with Dad and about Mom. Sometimes my writing would be a letter to them or to God. I know Mom & Dad are with God. I picture Mom & Dad young again and walking through a field of grass, beautiful, hand in hand and happy. It brought me comfort that they were together again. Dad died on their 55th Wedding Anniversary. I believe there was some meaning to that and the time of death of Dad. I found the video tributes that we made of each, helped a lot. I have pictures up and for a long time felt their spirit. Like a part of their spirit became a part of me. I found comfort in my Catholic upbringing - Missals, Rosary. and Also in my faith currently. I attended Gathering that really helped alot even though it really was not geared toward grief, more toward life and visiting. It really came as a surprise to me that the Gathering's I attended was such a help. After this last summer, I just felt really better. Praying the Rosary has helped immensely as well as praying from the Missal from my youth.
Grieve is a personal thing that is tailored to each individual. Each person is unique and has to grieve the path that helps them. What helps one person may not be helpful to others. God was very much an ever present in my life. God answered my thoughts when I least expected it. Personally, sometimes, sitting back & reflecting and talking only when you have a need. I know the need is great. For me I did both at different times. I read in a grief book to never let someone tell me how to grieve. I believe my grieve was helpful because I allowed myself to cry(grieve). We have lots of pictures of Mom & Dad in the coffin. I have pictures of Dad at his Prayer service and at the funeral home right before the funeral mass. Our last goodbye were we could see Dad. I did not care what anybody thought. This was the only & last chance I had of seeing Dad & I was going to take pictures. I can always delete afterwards if I do not want them. I still have all those pictures. For me seeing Dad, even if in a coffin, was very helpful. I know it seems morbid and I should remember Dad for his life and not laying there. However, this is the last time, the last minute, the last second I was to see Dad and touch his hand, his arm and give him a kiss on the forehead. I was going to be settled with myself. I did not care what anybody thought. This was my personal goodbye, my grief. I had to go on & I wanted to say/do what I felt was the proper goodbye for me. I remember Dad & Moms life and have a lot of good memories thatI hold on to. Even though I wanted to pull him out of that coffin, the same with mom-I wanted to pull here up out of that grave. Dad & Mom's life is with God now, no more pain, or suffering, just beautiful green grass of home.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on December 19, 2009 at 3:58pm

Marianne said:

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my parents 3 1/2 months apart. Mom died first, after being in a nursing home. Dad died about 3 weeks later, after by-pass surgery and on their 55th Wedding Anniversary. I was so glad I got to spend the last 3 weeks of Dad's life with him. Dad was always there for us kids. The week after mom died and I was back at my place, I would come home after work & cry each evening for a week straight. I got nothing done after work except to Grieve for my Mom. I played her video tribute and wrapped myself in her coat. It was the best thing for me, since little did I know about Dad. It has been 3 years since Mom died and Dad will be 3 years in February 2010. I found the grieve that was right for me. I cried in the privacy of my apartment, with my faithful cat by my side (as long as she did not get wet!). I attended a grief workshop, 2 hour grief workshop, grief worship service and read lots of grief books. I also wrote about the time spent with Dad and about Mom. Sometimes my writing would be a letter to them or to God. I know Mom & Dad are with God. I picture Mom & Dad young again and walking through a field of grass, beautiful, hand in hand and happy. It brought me comfort that they were together again. Dad died on their 55th Wedding Anniversary. I believe there was some meaning to that and the time of death of Dad. I found the video tributes that we made of each, helped a lot. I have pictures up and for a long time felt their spirit. Like a part of their spirit became a part of me. I found comfort in my Catholic upbringing - Missals, Rosary. and Also in my faith currently. I attended Gathering that really helped alot even though it really was not geared toward grief, more toward life and visiting. It really came as a surprise to me that the Gathering's I attended was such a help. After this last summer, I just felt really better. Praying the Rosary has helped immensely as well as praying from the Missal from my youth.
Grieve is a personal thing that is tailored to each individual. Each person is unique and has to grieve the path that helps them. What helps one person may not be helpful to others. God was very much an ever present in my life. God answered my thoughts when I least expected it. Personally, sometimes, sitting back & reflecting and talking only when you have a need. I know the need is great. For me I did both at different times. I read in a grief book to never let someone tell me how to grieve. I believe my grieve was helpful because I allowed myself to cry(grieve). We have lots of pictures of Mom & Dad in the coffin. I have pictures of Dad at his Prayer service and at the funeral home right before the funeral mass. Our last goodbye were we could see Dad. I did not care what anybody thought. This was the only & last chance I had of seeing Dad & I was going to take pictures. I can always delete afterwards if I do not want them. I still have all those pictures. For me seeing Dad, even if in a coffin, was very helpful. I know it seems morbid and I should remember Dad for his life and not laying there. However, this is the last time, the last minute, the last second I was to see Dad and touch his hand, his arm and give him a kiss on the forehead. I was going to be settled with myself. I did not care what anybody thought. This was my personal goodbye, my grief. I had to go on & I wanted to say/do what I felt was the proper goodbye for me. I remember Dad & Moms life and have a lot of good memories thatI hold on to. Even though I wanted to pull him out of that coffin, the same with mom-I wanted to pull here up out of that grave. Dad & Mom's life is with God now, no more pain, or suffering, just beautiful green grass of home.

Permalink Reply by Cindy Veatch on December 20, 2009 at 8:30am

kathy,
im lost....i too; have lost both of my parents..youngest of 5 children..i took care of both of them; mom passed 2/03 and dad; recently 7/09...both from lung diseases; and well. they divorced when i was 10; so not lots of memories of them together one..and two; dad came back into my life; after mom died; cuz it was so hard too move forward. Him and I got very very close; and now when Im at my home ( i lived w him; for the last 2 months of his life; and worked full time) when I m not working; and not running errands;for this or that;for my family; i dont want too do nothing and I mean nothing; xmas; used to be my favorite time of year and since Im the baker in the house... every year; I would bake; make 25 tins or so too pass out; dont want too; I mean I do; but I dont; no ambition...not allowed too cry; here; it freaks everyone out too much and so I keep it in and well; I hurt so much and never felt so alone in all my life;.

I have 3 children of my own, two of which are grown w their own children;..I try to remain positive ;hopeful...Im running all the time, it seems in circles; just to keep up w bills house; dogs; groceries; and well I just dont care...Ive gotten xmas cards in the mail and even had some; im sure in the attic to fill out and send out; I know what the true meaning of the holiday; and perhaps if I didnt wasnt so selfish; and felt so alone; maybe; just maybe; I could get into the spirit...I spoke to both of them everyday; I got so close to them both; and they were wonderful;unique individuals; I thought; that I -prepared myself for this; but Im such a dumbhead; I didnt and well;its brutal;

cranky; been; Im sure if you listened to my family; almost unbearable to live with; if they could hear me; Im sorry;there isnt going to be dad; to pull me out of this slump...my health is failing;44 and had my period for 8 wks.and im done; in so many ways...and i think to myself you have that bonus baby, (who; is absolutely beautiful; blondie; w blue eyes;10 going on 20 that drives me crazy) i think; focus on her..but shes close to the age; she doesnt want to be around mommy;...its all good; one day at a time; just vent online; and well;pick up yourself; brush yourself off; stand straight; deep breath; its all good; i hold their memories; of me w them; no matter what it is; me w them; shopping;taking them out and about; and well; my father; was a very strong man; and he fought hard..and well; i have quite a many memories; of him and i out and about on my day off; wed; for almost 2 yrs ..him and i together; i hold that dear too my heart ; when i get blue..too all; try and remember were not alone; you pull someone off the street and say hi..cuz one person can make a difference..happy holidays and try to smile...im trying..cindy

Permalink Reply by Priceless on December 23, 2009 at 10:24pm

I was lost that first year also. I would go for a drive on the weekends not having anyplace to really go. The first year was really rough. I would leave my phone on thinking Dad would call, and then realizing he is gone. Or going by the nursing home were mom was and remembering when I would stop and see her. I got through it and you all will too. It just takes time and I don't think we ever will stop missing our parents at one time or another. God Belss

Cindy Veatch said:

kathy,
im lost....i too; have lost both of my parents..youngest of 5 children..i took care of both of them; mom passed 2/03 and dad; recently 7/09...both from lung diseases; and well. they divorced when i was 10; so not lots of memories of them together one..and two; dad came back into my life; after mom died; cuz it was so hard too move forward. Him and I got very very close; and now when Im at my home ( i lived w him; for the last 2 months of his life; and worked full time) when I m not working; and not running errands;for this or that;for my family; i dont want too do nothing and I mean nothing; xmas; used to be my favorite time of year and since Im the baker in the house... every year; I would bake; make 25 tins or so too pass out; dont want too; I mean I do; but I dont; no ambition...not allowed too cry; here; it freaks everyone out too much and so I keep it in and well; I hurt so much and never felt so alone in all my life;.

I have 3 children of my own, two of which are grown w their own children;..I try to remain positive ;hopeful...Im running all the time, it seems in circles; just to keep up w bills house; dogs; groceries; and well I just dont care...Ive gotten xmas cards in the mail and even had some; im sure in the attic to fill out and send out; I know what the true meaning of the holiday; and perhaps if I didnt wasnt so selfish; and felt so alone; maybe; just maybe; I could get into the spirit...I spoke to both of them everyday; I got so close to them both; and they were wonderful;unique individuals; I thought; that I -prepared myself for this; but Im such a dumbhead; I didnt and well;its brutal;

cranky; been; Im sure if you listened to my family; almost unbearable to live with; if they could hear me; Im sorry;there isnt going to be dad; to pull me out of this slump...my health is failing;44 and had my period for 8 wks.and im done; in so many ways...and i think to myself you have that bonus baby, (who; is absolutely beautiful; blondie; w blue eyes;10 going on 20 that drives me crazy) i think; focus on her..but shes close to the age; she doesnt want to be around mommy;...its all good; one day at a time; just vent online; and well;pick up yourself; brush yourself off; stand straight; deep breath; its all good; i hold their memories; of me w them; no matter what it is; me w them; shopping;taking them out and about; and well; my father; was a very strong man; and he fought hard..and well; i have quite a many memories; of him and i out and about on my day off; wed; for almost 2 yrs ..him and i together; i hold that dear too my heart ; when i get blue..too all; try and remember were not alone; you pull someone off the street and say hi..cuz one person can make a difference..happy holidays and try to smile...im trying..cindy

Permalink Reply by Maureen Ross on December 23, 2009 at 11:29pm

Marianne said:

I was lost that first year also. I would go for a drive on the weekends not having anyplace to really go. The first year was really rough. I would leave my phone on thinking Dad would call, and then realizing he is gone. Or going by the nursing home were mom was and remembering when I would stop and see her. I got through it and you all will too. It just takes time and I don't think we ever will stop missing our parents at one time or another. God Belss

Cindy Veatch said:

kathy,
im lost....i too; have lost both of my parents..youngest of 5 children..i took care of both of them; mom passed 2/03 and dad; recently 7/09...both from lung diseases; and well. they divorced when i was 10; so not lots of memories of them together one..and two; dad came back into my life; after mom died; cuz it was so hard too move forward. Him and I got very very close; and now when Im at my home ( i lived w him; for the last 2 months of his life; and worked full time) when I m not working; and not running errands;for this or that;for my family; i dont want too do nothing and I mean nothing; xmas; used to be my favorite time of year and since Im the baker in the house... every year; I would bake; make 25 tins or so too pass out; dont want too; I mean I do; but I dont; no ambition...not allowed too cry; here; it freaks everyone out too much and so I keep it in and well; I hurt so much and never felt so alone in all my life;.

I have 3 children of my own, two of which are grown w their own children;..I try to remain positive ;hopeful...Im running all the time, it seems in circles; just to keep up w bills house; dogs; groceries; and well I just dont care...Ive gotten xmas cards in the mail and even had some; im sure in the attic to fill out and send out; I know what the true meaning of the holiday; and perhaps if I didnt wasnt so selfish; and felt so alone; maybe; just maybe; I could get into the spirit...I spoke to both of them everyday; I got so close to them both; and they were wonderful;unique individuals; I thought; that I -prepared myself for this; but Im such a dumbhead; I didnt and well;its brutal;

cranky; been; Im sure if you listened to my family; almost unbearable to live with; if they could hear me; Im sorry;there isnt going to be dad; to pull me out of this slump...my health is failing;44 and had my period for 8 wks.and im done; in so many ways...and i think to myself you have that bonus baby, (who; is absolutely beautiful; blondie; w blue eyes;10 going on 20 that drives me crazy) i think; focus on her..but shes close to the age; she doesnt want to be around mommy;...its all good; one day at a time; just vent online; and well;pick up yourself; brush yourself off; stand straight; deep breath; its all good; i hold their memories; of me w them; no matter what it is; me w them; shopping;taking them out and about; and well; my father; was a very strong man; and he fought hard..and well; i have quite a many memories; of him and i out and about on my day off; wed; for almost 2 yrs ..him and i together; i hold that dear too my heart ; when i get blue..too all; try and remember were not alone; you pull someone off the street and say hi..cuz one person can make a difference..happy holidays and try to smile...im trying..cindy

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