Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Maureen Ross on December 23, 2009 at 11:42pm

The only way I get through the holidays is to buy a gift or make a donation in their memory. I so enjoyed trying to find little gifts for them - even though they always said they didn't need anything. The first year of not having them to buy for left such a void - so now I put my efforts into buying a gift to give to someone that I know would make them happy. There was a woman in our church who was having a tough time so I put a gift card in an envelope and had the church secretary give it to her to help brighten her holiday. I've donated to the local woman's shelter, bought extra gifts for a family with a lot of kids - it's fun trying to find someone to help that I know would make my parents happy. It's no way near the same BUT at least I can still go through the motions of buying gifts at the holidays. I do this for their birthdays, Valentines Day, Easter, Mothers Day and Fathers Day. There are so many people out there in need of a little extra happiness - it's helps me.
While this is my 3rd Christmas without my parents it is hitting me harder than last year. I have had a rough year parenting 4 teenagers by myself- many many times I wish I could have picked up the phone to talk to them about what was going on in my life. I think that is the worst part - if I didn't have my kids I doubt I would even put a tree up. So when I get really down I just think of some other thing I can do to honor them - puts a little spirit back into the season. Then I get the tears out of the way and try to remember all the wonderful times I had with my parents. Remember their life - not their deaths. That is what they would want.

Maureen Ross said:

Marianne said:

I was lost that first year also. I would go for a drive on the weekends not having anyplace to really go. The first year was really rough. I would leave my phone on thinking Dad would call, and then realizing he is gone. Or going by the nursing home were mom was and remembering when I would stop and see her. I got through it and you all will too. It just takes time and I don't think we ever will stop missing our parents at one time or another. God Belss

Cindy Veatch said:

kathy,
im lost....i too; have lost both of my parents..youngest of 5 children..i took care of both of them; mom passed 2/03 and dad; recently 7/09...both from lung diseases; and well. they divorced when i was 10; so not lots of memories of them together one..and two; dad came back into my life; after mom died; cuz it was so hard too move forward. Him and I got very very close; and now when Im at my home ( i lived w him; for the last 2 months of his life; and worked full time) when I m not working; and not running errands;for this or that;for my family; i dont want too do nothing and I mean nothing; xmas; used to be my favorite time of year and since Im the baker in the house... every year; I would bake; make 25 tins or so too pass out; dont want too; I mean I do; but I dont; no ambition...not allowed too cry; here; it freaks everyone out too much and so I keep it in and well; I hurt so much and never felt so alone in all my life;.

I have 3 children of my own, two of which are grown w their own children;..I try to remain positive ;hopeful...Im running all the time, it seems in circles; just to keep up w bills house; dogs; groceries; and well I just dont care...Ive gotten xmas cards in the mail and even had some; im sure in the attic to fill out and send out; I know what the true meaning of the holiday; and perhaps if I didnt wasnt so selfish; and felt so alone; maybe; just maybe; I could get into the spirit...I spoke to both of them everyday; I got so close to them both; and they were wonderful;unique individuals; I thought; that I -prepared myself for this; but Im such a dumbhead; I didnt and well;its brutal;

cranky; been; Im sure if you listened to my family; almost unbearable to live with; if they could hear me; Im sorry;there isnt going to be dad; to pull me out of this slump...my health is failing;44 and had my period for 8 wks.and im done; in so many ways...and i think to myself you have that bonus baby, (who; is absolutely beautiful; blondie; w blue eyes;10 going on 20 that drives me crazy) i think; focus on her..but shes close to the age; she doesnt want to be around mommy;...its all good; one day at a time; just vent online; and well;pick up yourself; brush yourself off; stand straight; deep breath; its all good; i hold their memories; of me w them; no matter what it is; me w them; shopping;taking them out and about; and well; my father; was a very strong man; and he fought hard..and well; i have quite a many memories; of him and i out and about on my day off; wed; for almost 2 yrs ..him and i together; i hold that dear too my heart ; when i get blue..too all; try and remember were not alone; you pull someone off the street and say hi..cuz one person can make a difference..happy holidays and try to smile...im trying..cindy

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Crockett-Alvarado on January 2, 2010 at 1:40pm

(!) have now lost my mother too. I was just staring to make some peace with the loss of my father, and now my mom is gone? Adult Orphan now I guess. So unexpectedly, she had a stoke Christmas night, I spoke to her on the phone after EMS left, and she assured me she was okay but clearly they missed something, now they think she may have had a stroke! I don't know why she didn't go to hosp with ems! I found her TWO days later barely alive and they were just not able to help her at the hospital- she went into cardiac arrest and there was nothing else they could do... I have so many what if's, and why didn't I ...general guilt issues.
So today and the whole New Years' weekend I'm spending cleaning her apartment and suffering my terrible pain and loss... I just can't make sense of this right now. I managed to write half an obit, but will not make today's deadline at the paper here, I still have to notify her friends... please give me the strength I need for this!
Much too soon to lose antoher parent!

Permalink Reply by Priceless on January 2, 2010 at 2:09pm

I am sorry for the loss of your mother so soon after your father. Know that your father and mother are in a special glorious place, even though they are not here on earth. Death does not always make sense. It takes time. Hug the memories you have and allow yourself to grieve that will comfort you. God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Maureen Ross on January 2, 2010 at 10:13pm

I am so sorry for your loss. If you have a close friend or relative - reach out to them to help you get through the next few days. A childhood friend of mine came home and helped me made all those hard decisions that must be done. If anyone asks if they can help - let them. I have always been one to do for myself and to help others - it was hard for me to accept help. I am so glad that I DID accept any help offered - it gave me an inner strength that I am not sure I would have had by myself. Take time to stop, be sure to take care of yourself each and every day - let yourself feel every emotion -all of us that have been in your shoes will be praying for you in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Jennifer Crockett-Alvarado said:

(!) have now lost my mother too. I was just staring to make some peace with the loss of my father, and now my mom is gone? Adult Orphan now I guess. So unexpectedly, she had a stoke Christmas night, I spoke to her on the phone after EMS left, and she assured me she was okay but clearly they missed something, now they think she may have had a stroke! I don't know why she didn't go to hosp with ems! I found her TWO days later barely alive and they were just not able to help her at the hospital- she went into cardiac arrest and there was nothing else they could do... I have so many what if's, and why didn't I ...general guilt issues.
So today and the whole New Years' weekend I'm spending cleaning her apartment and suffering my terrible pain and loss... I just can't make sense of this right now. I managed to write half an obit, but will not make today's deadline at the paper here, I still have to notify her friends... please give me the strength I need for this!
Much too soon to lose antoher parent!

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Crockett-Alvarado on January 10, 2010 at 5:34pm

Thank you Marianne and Maureen for your kind responses, I am healing a little bit everyday by remembering joyous times together, and I have found immense comfort writing in the bereavement websites, it has been healing to know that we are not alone in this journey- together we can find hope again, thank you.And to Cindy and Cathy I am comforted by the prayers and blessings of others, hope you too find comfort in your journeys-Jenn

Permalink Reply by gigi on March 27, 2010 at 10:35pm

Kathy, I know the pain you are feeling. I lost my dad, four years ago, and I still miss him soooo much. Now my mother is dying of cancer and her memory is very poor. Sometimes I just cry....because of the grief. I can't even imagine loosing both within 7 weeks. That is almost too much to bare.......Just know you will make it through it. My dad was my very best friend. A two year relationship ended at the same time. I was devastated and a walking zombie for a year. Each year I became stronger. By four years I was stronger than I have ever been in my entire life. I know my dad would be proud of me. Unfortunately I recently found out of my mother's illness. But, I know I will make it through this, too. Good luck. You must and will get through this. Your parents would want you too. With much love and understanding. Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Kathy on March 29, 2010 at 11:41pm

Good evening Jennifer. It still is difficult at times, regarding the one-two punch I experienced losing both of my parents in such a short time span. But taking things one day at a time has helped ease some of the pain, although in my opinion, there is no such thing as "closure". I admit, I don't visit this site as often as I should, but I always appreciate the comments and notes from fellow Legacy.com members who are experiencing the same thing I'm going through. It reinforces my belief that I am not alone. And I am very sorry to hear about your Mom's illness. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family during this very difficult time. Take care of yourself, and I look forward to hearing back from you and any other Legacy.com / Loss of Both Parents members. - KATHY

Kathy, I know the pain you are feeling. I lost my dad, four years ago, and I still miss him soooo much. Now my mother is dying of cancer and her memory is very poor. Sometimes I just cry....because of the grief. I can't even imagine loosing both within 7 weeks. That is almost too much to bare.......Just know you will make it through it. My dad was my very best friend. A two year relationship ended at the same time. I was devastated and a walking zombie for a year. Each year I became stronger. By four years I was stronger than I have ever been in my entire life. I know my dad would be proud of me. Unfortunately I recently found out of my mother's illness. But, I know I will make it through this, too. Good luck. You must and will get through this. Your parents would want you too. With much love and understanding. Jennifer

Permalink Reply by margaret on March 30, 2010 at 11:09am

I lost both of my parents too. They died with a year of each other, I was 17 & 18.
Back in 1977 there was no such thing as grief counseling so I had to wing with my other 12 siblings who were is just as bad shape as myself. It was a major blow to my family and for years I tried to bury the pain. I wish I could say that I handled it well, and did'nt use everything under the sun to try to take the pain away. It has been helpful to call on their spirit ,to give me the strength that I have needed all these years. I'm 50 now and when I look back, they were there with me many times. I still feel robbed and cheated. My older siblings had much more time with my parents then I did. I was just a kid. Know that your parents are at peace, draw on that ,and this will give you hope.
Margaret

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 9, 2010 at 7:44pm

Kathy, I know what you are going through.I lost my Dad Jan.7...it was unexpected.He was 74 but in decent health.My Mom died 44 days later.She was sick but I think she died more of a broken heart that anything else.It is unimaginable having to deal with losing both parents in such a short amount of time.What you are saying makes complete sense.As much as we "prepare" for the inevitable,we can never really prepare for it.Hang in there. Lisa

Permalink Reply by Lisa Stafford on December 16, 2011 at 5:03pm

I just  lost my Mom on 11-9 and my Dad on 11-24. I know your pain.

 

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on December 17, 2011 at 9:21am

Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that.

 

I lost my dad in July of last year and the first anniversary was really hard. I still have a hard time with it. I try to take it one day at a time. He was in his 60's and he was really sick but, it was unexpected and still a shock.

 

Oh, I miss him alot.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Stafford on December 25, 2011 at 11:37pm

Hi Maureen, I lost both mine 2 weeks apart, same sort of circumstances!

Maureen Ross said:

I lost both of my parents within 19 hours of each other back in 2007. It was, and still is, a blur to me. I was going through the ugliest divorce and even though my parents lived over 200 miles away from me - they were my 'rock.' Just hearing thier voices - I knew I could keep going. In January 2007 the doctor told me that my mom had end-stage liver disease and would probably need hospice by the summer. Calling my dad to tell him that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He said 'we'll bring her home (from rehab) and feed her - she'll get stronger.' My dad had a host of things wrong with him, but like the Energizer bunny, he just kept going and going. He went every day to see my mom in the hospital and then in rehab and it wore him down. My mom came home from rehab on February 7th - not knowing her terminal diagnosis. My dad started with a cold that was getting the best of him by that weekend. I came home to see my mom on the 10th and ended up taking my dad to the ER. He had double pneumonia - something which his doctor said would just take a few days of rest and meds. and he'd be back home. I went back home (to Pennsylvania)on the 12th - talking to each of my parents every day. We were lucky to find a nurse to stay with my mom while my dad was in the hospital. On the 15th of February I talked to my dad a couple of times -he was so bored in the hospital - and worried about my mom. I told him I would be up the next day to get him out of the hospital. My mom started to get a fever that day - nothing too drastic, but it was making her weak again. I spoke to my dad at 4 p.m. and said 'talk to you later pops.' I called back at 6 and no one answered his phone. His doctor called me at 7 and said my dad had died - died in the chair in his hospital room. I had to call my mom and tell her and all I could think about was how was I ever going to get her to a funeral home as weak as she was. The next day at 9:30 a.m. my kids (4 teenagers) and i were on our way up to Long Island when we got stuck behind an accident on the Turnpike. (We had had snow and ice and many roads in Pa. were still closed). They re-routed us all over the place. I got a call from my mom's nurse that she had had a seizure during the night and to please get home as soon as we could. I kept calling home and the nurse kept saying that my mom wasn't doing well - all I could think about was that I was losing both of them at once. At about 1:30 the nurse called and told me to talk to my mom as she didn't think she would last much longer - I had to say good-bye to my mom on the phone while driving home in an ice storm. My kids said I was praying the Hail mary out loud. It ended up taking us 13 hours to get home - 10:30 that night. By then I had lost both of my parents - 19 hours apart. We had a double viewing and burial. I still don't think I will ever get over it - we all know we are going to lose our parents some day - I never thought I would lose both at once. And the thing that still makes me cry is that my dad was alone in the hospital when he died. When my mom died she had the nurse with her, along with her closest friend and a woman form church. I miss them every day of my life.

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