My Aunt/My Mother/My Best Friend

I can relate, and how!! I lost my aunt (mom's sister) on 4/1/2009. My aunt and mother were always interchangeable in my head. I spent my entire childhood and most of my adulthood between these two women. My aunt and I were best friends and confidantes. We buried her 3 weeks and 2 days after our uncle. After my uncle's funeral, my aunt and I sat alone in my apartment and she told me that she wasnt going to "survive this loss". I immediately replied that we would get through it together. She just looked at me and broke down in tears. I was so scared that I was frozen and just watched. She left my home a few hours later to return to Georgia. I hugged her so tight and told her to call me when she got home. Three days later on March 18th , she suffered 4 heart attacks and languished in a coma state for two weeks until her death.

Today, six months later, I am still beset by grief. I keep reliving our last conversation, over and over. Since her death, three more family members have died. At each funeral, I am seeing her in each casket. Although I am still working....I didnt finish my last semester of college. What is the sense, now? I cannot even stay focused on schoolwork. I dont care about graduating because most of the people who I wanted to see me "walk across the stage" are dead....
More than anything, I feel like I failed my best friend/aunt. I didnt hug her when I should have. She was trying to tell me, but I was too stuck in my own grief to be there for her.....I will never forgive myself....and it's killing me, inside.....

Thank God that I saved her last birthday message to me on my cell phone. I am so thankful for that because I can hear her voice, hear her laugh and tell me she loves me.......I dont know what I would do without that or her pictures which are displayed everywhere. People tell me that it's morbid.....but I NEED that crutch of support. It's like she never left as long as I can see her image......but in all honesty, sometimes it's not enough......

I know that I need professional help, too......

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by jen on October 27, 2009 at 1:06pm

I'm so sorry for your loss- how hard it must be to have more family pass so soon after too. that is wonderful that you can hear her voice on your message whenever you want........my kids asked my mom to leave my dads voice on her answering machine so we can hear him, and it is comforting to hear his voice sometimes. My aunt threw a fit when she heard it, and refuses to call my moms home phone number now- whatever. My mom told her that if we wanted it left on, she will leave it as long as we want. Many others who call and hear his voice are touched and happy to hear Grandpas voice too......ignore those who don't understand. We are lucky to live in a time that it is possible to capture those brief moments of a loved one. I have many home movies of my dad from over the years- I havn't been quite ready to watch them yet but know the day will come when those will be such a comfort. last winter my dad was here visiting us , just a few weeks before he died. I walked into the garage and came across my 9 year old son helping grandpa building a rack for his baseball gear. it hit me immediately that this was a moment I needed to grab, and I ran in and got my video camera and taped them. there were few words, just the 2 of them, grandpa guiding Brads hands on the drill, showing him how to make something. It only lasted a few minutes, but what a gift. jen

Permalink Reply by Tori on October 28, 2009 at 12:53pm

jen said:

I'm so sorry for your loss- how hard it must be to have more family pass so soon after too. that is wonderful that you can hear her voice on your message whenever you want........my kids asked my mom to leave my dads voice on her answering machine so we can hear him, and it is comforting to hear his voice sometimes. My aunt threw a fit when she heard it, and refuses to call my moms home phone number now- whatever. My mom told her that if we wanted it left on, she will leave it as long as we want. Many others who call and hear his voice are touched and happy to hear Grandpas voice too......ignore those who don't understand. We are lucky to live in a time that it is possible to capture those brief moments of a loved one. I have many home movies of my dad from over the years- I havn't been quite ready to watch them yet but know the day will come when those will be such a comfort. last winter my dad was here visiting us , just a few weeks before he died. I walked into the garage and came across my 9 year old son helping grandpa building a rack for his baseball gear. it hit me immediately that this was a moment I needed to grab, and I ran in and got my video camera and taped them. there were few words, just the 2 of them, grandpa guiding Brads hands on the drill, showing him how to make something. It only lasted a few minutes, but what a gift. jen

Thanks so much for the reply, Jen. I understand wholehartedly what you are going thru. Let's keep remembering the good times. That's all we have. Take care, Tori

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