Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Crockett-Alvarado on December 1, 2009 at 5:52pm

Lauran,
So sorry for your loss, look to some bereavement support at your church or through AARP to see if there is someone to help both you and you father cope with your pain. You can't help him unless you take care of yourself and your grief first. The web site "griefcast" (Drs Gloria and Heidi Horsley) may also be helpful, they have information on loss of spouse, as well as loss of parent- (it has helped me as I am hurting from losing my father in October unexpectedly, he was 83 and there are still days that are very emotionally raw)
- peace be with you through this tough time in your lives

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Crockett-Alvarado on December 1, 2009 at 7:12pm

Drs Gloria and Heidi Horsley's website is mistitled here, it is called the GriefBlog- hope this helps

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 1, 2009 at 8:34pm

Jennifer, thank you so much for responding and giving me the information about the GriefBlog. There are times when grief hits me like a brick wall and I physically hurt, other times I feel OK, then feel guilty because I do feel OK. Grief is proving to be very strange for me. I miss my mother so much.... I am glad that she is no longer suffering but I wish I could have her for just 5 more minutes. Just saying that started my tears all over again.

Unlike you, the day my mother was diagnosed with leukemia, (September 24, 2009) I expected that she would die so it came as no surprise, but that it happened so fast, did.

I am so sorry you lost your father, hugs, prayers and good thoughts to you. I wish there were a way we could exchange email addresses without putting them here for all to see.

Again, thank you.
Lauran

Permalink Reply by Kimberly J. Colby on December 8, 2009 at 8:08pm

Hi Lauran
I'm so sorry for your loss. Reading your story touched home. My Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer Feb.2,2009 she passed away Feb.8,2009. On her 62nd birthday. It has been the hardest most emotional rollercoaster I've ever had to handle.
My Mom was my dad's everything they were married almost 40yrs. She did everything for him. When she passed not only was I grieving I had to step up and take care of my dad. I live 30 mins away from him and have a husband and two girls.I felt like I couldn't grieve and take care of him. I tried to act brave for him and one day one of my worst of worst. He was sitting in his chair and we got into alittle spat. We layed it all out on the table. Daddy and I never argued. That day helped me turn around and notice I didn't only lose my mom. My dad lost the love of his life. I sat there for hours and hours listening to him talk and cry. Mind you my father isn't one to cry. That day we cried so much....

I'm sorry to babbling. I'm not one to give suggestion but just listen to him and comfort as much as possible. After that hump it gets alittle easier. Crying together works. I tried to be strong because I thought that was what daddy needed and I wanted him to be okay. The truth was he wanted to remember and have someone just listen. He would say the same thing over and over I felt helplessbut I just listened. Life isn't the same without mom. I guess it never will. I'm still grieving don't know how or when it gets easier. I'm not there yet.

Permalink Reply by jvd on December 21, 2009 at 10:12pm

Lauran , there are No words and there never will be .i lost my mother october 30 she was my everything.my dad is a mess godless drinking fighting with everyone so just remeber it could always be worse ....i know its very hard to imagine but i am in he...!!! i have not lived at home since i was 17 because of his drinking he even is talking to women online i just got moms death cert today !!!! we have had some fights let me tell ya ...
as for you ...live each day to make her proud ...dothe things she expected of you and then some ...whatever it is you make excuses for in your life ....we all do it ...change it ...whatever she wanted most from you ...do it
i never tt anyone about my stuff i keep it bottled up inside ..you cant i started having panic attacks and honestly i was starting to think i was going nuts !!! i am one of the strongest people you could ever meet and me cracking up ...i cut off everyone and everynight after work would barracade myself in my room i thought i was seeing things and maybe i was but if u would have told me that 6 months ago i would have laughed and asked you if you wanted some candy with your harry potter movie .
you have to talk you have to cry you have to be at peace .what gets me thru is thinking she was in pain and how much se loved my grandfather .the hardest thing is de ja vu and i flip .like i said i hold it all in so i only cry when im alone i need to be a rock for my father.
i thought my mom was my dads everything now i am a little sickened i feel like ===angry he would even look at anyone else yet ..he says all the time he will never meet anyone as good looking as my mom let me tell u my mom was alot more then looks .she was everyones savior and she went without for us .im angry with myself for not seeing this comming but im dealing .everyday is a battle and it will continue she is there with you know that i am here if you need a friend mutley74jv@yahoo.com im not on everyday but i try

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 22, 2009 at 9:05am

I want to thank you all for your responses and let you all know how sorry I am that you have also lost a parent.

I don't know what's going on right now, but "things" seem to have gotten worse rather than better with (very) little time. Dad is doing better, I am sinking. I posted yesterday that I am overwhelmed with sadness, not depression but sadness. I think about mom and cry, see a picture and cry.... everything in regards to mom makes me cry. This has been going on for several days.... much worse than before. "Things" in everyday life don't look or feel real, an example is I was at Costco with a friend and while we were headed back to the car I looked at Pat and said that nothing looked real. The crowd, parking lot, everything just looked surreal. Nothing about it felt right... not quite dream like, but definitely not real. I feel empty so i guess things around me look empty too.

I am pulling away from friends, some days I won't even answer my phone because I dread the question "How are you?". Quite frankly, if one more person tells me I'm lucky that mom lived for 90 years and I should be glad, I'll scream. Yes, I was lucky to have mom for all 60 years of my life but I don't think that changes anything, I still lost my mother to a horrible disease and I miss her constantly.

JVD, I added your email address to my contacts, thank you for sharing it and saying I can email you, I will. My email address is sassyass49@gmail.com, any of you are welcome to write any time. Also to jvd, my father was a mean alcoholic, was. The minute hospice came into our home to help with mom's care, he stopped drinking. That, has been a blessing! Please tell your father that he is to make no major decisions for a minimum of 12 months, and yes, this includes looking for a new relationship. Hospice, my minister and a friend that is a therapist have all told my father and I this... it's important for all of us to remember it too. Apparently some pretty poor choices can be made withing the first 12-18 months.

I'm dreading Christmas, mom's favorite holiday.... I wish it were already behind me.

God bless you all.

Lauran

Attachments:

• mom 001.JPG, 35 KB

Permalink Reply by Eda Negron-Oliver on December 22, 2009 at 11:55am

Your Mom looks beautiful in the photo.
Christmas was Dad's favorite too. My yearly ritual was to send him and my Mom a Swiss Colony package. Each year I'd choose a different one. They especially loved the towers because each box felt like a surprise gift. He liked the sweets, she likes the meats and cheese, so it was a good bet they could share. This year I sent one to Mom and my Sis just called to tell me it broke her down. I didn't think about it, I just wanted one thing to be normal for her this first Christmas without him. I feel so bad that I stirred up her memories at a time she was learning to cope. They were married for 52 years and she feels like she has nothing left.
I'm also glad I stumbled upon this site while checking my Dad's guest book. I now have somewhere to go and say how I feel without making my Mom and siblings even sadder than they already are.

We were raised in a way that makes us hide and bury our feelings, so talking to each other about it can sometimes be uncomfortable. I lived the furthest away so it's like I don't have the same right to feel bad because I didn't see him everyday or live close enough to visit often. One of my sisters even told me after the funeral that I needed to "get back in" with the family and learn who they are now as opposed to who they were when I left. I felt like an outsider throughout the ordeal. I call my parents weekly make sure I talk to them and tell them I love them all the time. My only regret was that I never sang for my Dad and doing it at the Service was especially hard.
The one good thing was that it made my siblings remember that being far away has not changed me, I am still the same sister they have always known and I belong.

Lean on your friends and family for support. It helps even when you feel it does not. I have no real friends here but I do have a good friend in Virginia that sends me the funniest text messages. Laughing is the best medicine for a sad heart.

Permalink Reply by laddy on December 22, 2009 at 1:12pm

My mom passed away Dec. 15, 2009. she was 74 I certainly undestand the
numbness. I burried her 7 days before Xmas. The Pain I can't begin to describe.
She was very sick with no chance for recovery. What started out as a sliver peice of bone and an over night obsevation ended very tragic and completley unexpected. Her boyfriend of 14 years and her friend of 53 years saw her out that
is what she would had wanted. My dad passed away on Jan 19 2006 he was 75
he had lung cancer. I wish there was a magic wand to take away the pain there
isn't. I cry at the drop of a hat.

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 22, 2009 at 1:16pm

Eda, thank you, mom was beautiful. =) That photo was taken two weeks before her 90th birthday and just 17 days before mom's death.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father, that said, I want to share my feelings with you about you living away from "home". I moved back home, literally, four years ago... I was sick and nearly died so my parents had me come live with them. It was a blessing in disguise because I got well and they started to fail. I am the only family member that lives anywhere near my parents. Does that make me any more important? NO. Does it mean my sisters, children, grandchildren, don't have the right to feel mom's loss as I do? NO! Mom was all of our mother, grandmother, great grandmother, we all loved her and we all have the exact same right to grieve deeply. Please don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't "part of" the family or that you don't have the right to grieve. It hurts and it hurts all of us! I actually feel that being far away may even make it harder but please never feel guilt, your father would not have wanted that, period.

Your gift.... what can I say? I probably would have done the same so things would feel somewhat normal. Nothing IS normal though but again, don't let anyone make you feel guilt. My guess is that it made your father smile knowing that some things remained the same. This year I did something that is probably stupid but it felt right to me. Dad hates going to bed because after almost 63 years of sleeping with mom, the bed is now empty. He tried letting my two cats sleep with him, that was a disaster! =) Then we tried having my dog sleep with him, another disaster as she is a velcro dog and stuck to me like glue. Soooo... I bought him a sleeping stuffed dog that looks exactly like my dog, it has a blankie and if you touch the top of it's head it sounds like a dog yawn and other dog sounds. I bought dad something to sleep with in hopes that it will help. Like I said, it's probably stupid but it's just an example of how we all react and do things in our own way.

I'm sorry you are alone where you live now. You really need people around you. Please feel free to email me any time. (sassyass49@gmail.com)

Just remember, your grief is equally as real, important and necessary as everyone else in your family. Do not allow anyone to take that from you!

Hugs...
Lauran

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 22, 2009 at 1:19pm

Eda, I just reread your post, please email me. I left my email address in another reply.

Thanks!
Lauran

Permalink Reply by sue on December 22, 2009 at 1:20pm

i know what you mean "physically hurts" i lost my mother dec 3rd and i have cried each and everyday since. i miss her so much i cannot begin to live the rest of my life without her. there is no comfort. i'm an only child with 4 children and 1 grandchild but this does not fill my empty heart. she was everything to me. i cannot cope with my loss. i'm catholic and i know GOD is holding me in his arms but my pain and grief does not let me feel his arms.

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 22, 2009 at 1:23pm

Laddy, big hugs to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Lauran

laddy said:

My mom passed away Dec. 15, 2009. she was 74 I certainly undestand the
numbness. I burried her 7 days before Xmas. The Pain I can't begin to describe.
She was very sick with no chance for recovery. What started out as a sliver peice of bone and an over night obsevation ended very tragic and completley unexpected. Her boyfriend of 14 years and her friend of 53 years saw her out that
is what she would had wanted. My dad passed away on Jan 19 2006 he was 75
he had lung cancer. I wish there was a magic wand to take away the pain there
isn't. I cry at the drop of a hat.